Lisa H.

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05-01-04

Hey everyone,
I am back yet again...lol.  I don't have a whole lot to say, but I did get weighed yesterday and I am down another pound, so I am officially 120lbs down and weighing in at 219. I wonder if I will make it to 140lbs.  I am trying very hard not to base my feelings on my weight or my looks. I know that it is a strange concept, at least for me. But I am working in this workbook on cognitive therapy and I am identifiying negative thought patterns and I know what is at the center of my depression and inability to get anything done. It is because I am setteling in my life. I am setteling for a relationship that isn't all that I need it to be. I am not saying that I am looking for perfection, far from it, but I am tired of spending so much time alone and never having someone to go places with and to grow old with.  I have settled for my current relationship and even though I love my boyfriend, if he cannot make a change i am going to have to do what is in my best interest and move on. This is going to be so hard. It is something that I have struggled with for a long time. Years, in fact. But I will never become the person who I can be if I don't start doing things to make me happy and to start taking care of myself.  See if I continue to settle for what is less than what I need, then I am continuing to tell myself that I am not worth more. I am continuing denying my inner self and not allowing who I really am to be voiced. I am realizing that this is not a dress rehearsal, that this is really my one chance at life, I don't get a second go round and I am already 41. So I have to listen intently to my inner voice and follow my dreams and find some happiness or my life would have been a waste.  I don't want to waste anymore time. I am done crying (well I know that there are more tears in my future, but I want to make some of them happy tears).  I am tired of hating and denying myself. I am learning that if I don't love myself noone will. If I don't stand up for myself, noone will. I also am learning that the only person that can make me happy is myself and that I can't rely on someone else to do it. (I do however need God in my life).  So it is about time that I am growing up, this look into myself started before my wls, but i dont think that I would have realized how much I meant to myself if I didn't come to that place that I was willing to give my life to save my life. Now that I have made it to the other side I can't waste what I have learned. So this is going to be a whole lot more of a journey than what I originally thought. But boy will it be worth it.
I wish you all much peace and happiness. I am going to search for my joy.
I will talk to you all later.
I will keep all of you pre and post ops in my prayers as well as everyone who suffers from this disease of obesity.
Lisa
postop lap/rny 10-23-03
339/219/???

5-13-04

Hello Everyone,
I know it has been a little while since I have updated. I am on a plateau right now and it is driving me crazy...lol...I am trying not to think about it since I have lost so much so fast. But I have so much left to lose.
The past week has been so very stressful, my sister has been back in the hospital. She had a valve replacement in december (she had heart damage from taking diet pills). Well she had a couple of ministrokes and we took her to the hospital and she has a bacteria in her blood. It attacked the valve and damaged it. She had to have open heart surgery again night before last to replace the valve because it had an explosion of some sort. She made it through surgery and they have her on antibiotics to fight the infection because it spread to her brain. But she is doing okay. I hope you will all keep her in your prayers.
I have not been able to use my usual coping mechanism of food. I realized when I went to see her last night that I wanted to eat very badly after we left her room. I looked at all the stuff in the junk machine and I couldn't eat one of them. Not one. Geez, how much crap did I used to stuff in my body without thinking.
It is an eyeopener.
I am so afraid that I am going to eat too much and not lose weight that I know I probably do not eat enough. I do drink protein shakes and have protein bars to try and get my protein in and I take my supps and drink my fluids. I have started swimming at the Y and I just got a treadmill.  I am moving around alot more. So why am I not losing weight?  uuuggghhhh.
Okay now that that is over. I know that I am losing inches. At least people tell me I am looking like I am getting smaller. I don't think that I have changed that much over the last 50lb loss. I know that sounds crazy, but I don't see it. I guess it will take a while for my mind to catch up with my body. I hope that this plateau breaks, I'm gonna try and up my food today and for the next couple of days and see what happens.Okay I gotta run and see my sis at the hospital.
I'll keep all of you pre and post ops in my prayers.
Love ya's,
Lisa postop lap/rny 10-23-03
339/217/???

5-15-04

Hey everyone,
I have had a few weightloss revelation moments the past week or so.  I can drive with the seat all the way forward (I am short, so this makes it way easier), I can wear a bathing suit again without looking like a whale stuffed into elastic.  I can fit into smaller areas, like passing by stuff and not getting stuck, not having to turn sideways and hold my breath (like that used to make me alot smaller...lol).  I can wear a size 7 underwear, they look so small..lol..can't wait to be smaller.  I can wear some of my sons shirts (and he is only 9 going on 10) and I can wear some of my daughters pants and skorts.  I still feel so big when I am not wearing anything, and my skin is getting looser, I can squish it into clothes..lol....I hope that I can tolerate plastic reconstructive surgery, because I am gonna need some. My tummy and arms.  I am able to carry alot of things into the house and even run without getting out of breath.  I carried some fans and even a treadmill into the house by myself the other day and it didn't even phase me. that was awesome. considering I couldn't sit up without being breathless 6.5mths ago. I am still working on getting my head to accept that I can be more active without suffering, I still suffer from couch potatoe syndrome, but it is getting better, especially since I have the treadmill now and joined the y.
Another head issue is food. I am still working on the idea that I need to eat to lose, that is a hard one to overcome. Years of starving myself and binge eating have messed me up pretty badly.If i didn't eat before then that equaled weightloss, of course this totally screwed up my metabolism. I hope that I have a possibility of straightening it out. I want to be able to eat normally and not have to worry about gaining weight (and at this point I still need to lose quite a bit).
I hate that I am stuck on a plateau....uuuurrrrggghhhh.
I guess what I hate even more is that numbers still are defining my selfworth. I need to break that. that thought pattern is definitely one of the things that have got to go. It is not easy.I think that now I have come to terms with the permanency of the surgery though. I thought I had accepted that prior to having surgery, but then I started freaking out about it a couple of months post op, but now I can say it doesn't freak me out anymore. I know that I have to take care of myself, but that would be true anyway, so it isn't that scary anymore.well i just wanted to jump on and update alittle.
Oh I want to thank everyone who has been praying for my little sister, she is doing better. She had emergency surgery on tuesday to replace the mechanical valve that got messed up and they have her on an antibiotic that is fighting the bacteria on her brain and in her blood. I will keep you all posted on her. Oh, I also found out that I do not have a clotting disorder, which is strange considering that I have had blood clots 2 times now, but that is good news about not having a disorder. I may be able to have reconstructive surgery after all. I don't want to have it, but I am having problems.
okay, I am going to go. I will keep all of you pre and post ops in my prayers, as well as everyone suffering from this horrible disease of obesity.
Love ya's,
Lisa  postop lap/rny 10-23-03
339/217/???

5-20-04

Hey everyone,
It has been a few days since I updated. I have been spending alot of time at the hospital with my little sister. I have been stuck on this plateau...uuggghhhh....won't it ever break.  It makes me worry that I may not lose anymore and will be stuck at this weight. I still need to lose 76lbs. i'll be working out more, hopefully that will help.
My girlfriend esther had a revision done a couple of weeks ago to go from a vbg to an rny, she ended up in the hospital day before yesterday with complications. But I think she will pull through fine. I was so worried.
I can't believe that I will be 7 months out in 3 days!
What is even harder for me to believe is that I have only lost 2.5lbs in the past month. I've been losing at least 10lbs per month for the past 5 mths and now only 2.5lbs....isn't this too soon for this to be happening. It's gotta start again, the losing. I can't be done losing yet. If I can speed it up again I can get to goal by christmas.  I need to get over the numbers, can you tell?  okay well i gotta go, life is very hectic right now.If you have any questions or suggestions email me.
I want to keep everyone who is pre or post op in my prayers as well as anyone who is suffering from this horrible disease of obesity.
love ya's
Lisa  postop lap/rny 10-23-03
339/216.5/???   -122.5lbs

5-24-04

Hey Everyone,
I haven't checked in in a couple of days. I am down another 2.5lbs!! Yippee!! I am trying so hard to lose. I am more than halfway to goal! I needed to lose 200lbs to weigh 139, and I have lost 125 lbs. I started at 339 and am now at 214lbs. So this leaves 75lbs to lose. I hope I can do this by the time I am a year and a half out. I am now 7 mths out and I am so glad for how far I have come.
Okay I will keep all of you pre and post ops in my prayers as well as everyone suffering from this horrible disease of obesity.
Lisa