March 25, 2007
Hello Everyone,
I know that it has been awhile. I have felt there wasn't a whole lot to contribute on my journey.  But I wanted to stop back in and post, I still do read alot on this site and everyday I read the Q+A.  I have gained 10 to 12 lbs total from my lowest weight (which lasted like 1 day...lol).  I am going back to basics, my problem is that I am eating too many carbs.  I am going to cut back and the weight will come off. I am so grateful for this surgery still. I don't think I would be here if it weren't for this surgery.  I still can't eat as much as pre-surgery, nor would I want too. I still have a problem balancing my eating because I can't eat alot of veggies or food with too much vitamin K or vitamin E...everything it seems interacts with the coumadin I am on.  I never miss taking my supplements, and my bloodwork is always good.  I don't even feel like I have had the surgery now.  I wish in a way that feeling from the first year would come back, when I could be so strict because I was scared and because my body couldn't handle much. 
I am still trying to cope with some head games, the fears that returned after the weight and fat have come off. I really don't feel as safe anymore, and it keeps me trapped in my house and my mind.  The weight I felt used to protect me, who could want to do anything to such a heavy person, let alone people noticing me, alot of people kind of blank out the overweight.  Now the panic sets in, like before I gained the weight as an adult, the panic because I was attacked, I thought I had overcome it, but it is back.  It makes it hard for me to leave my house.  So I sometimes feel like I traded one prison for another. I am working on these issues though...I want so badly to have a life.  I force myself to go outside and do things...small things and I am gaining more of a sense of safety with myself....silly I know. I am more prepared now, am better able to recognize unsafe situations, and be totally aware of my surroundings. 

I am trying to get back into cognitive therapy, ptsd sucks...lol.
Now that you all think I am crazy, I am sorry for rambling.
I have made a big step towards exercising again, to tone up this body and lose the little that I have gained.  I bought an exercise ball and will try to strengthen my core muscles, and try to strengthen my mind as well.  I will keep you all posted on my progress.
I do feel sometimes like you's are the only friends that I have not to make anyone feel bad or bust on anyone, but I know I need to develop "real" people relationships...lol.

Okay, I've got to go for now. I'll talk to you's later.
Email me if you need someone to talk to.
Lisa H.  340/180/???  -160lbs  post lap/rny 10-23-03
Dr. Williams