On plastics backlash and 'keeping what is useful'

Sep 21, 2011

"You're marginally more attractive and substantially less interesting."

These words devastated me when they came from someone whose opinion I value, someone who I consider to be an exceedingly intelligent and insightful individual. He said it to me last night as we were chatting online. I was talking about my breast lift/augmentation recovery, the swelling, the pills, the doubts, the joy, the pain, all of it. I had it done 2 weeks ago. I'm still stuck at home, still tired, still have too much time to stand naked in front of my mirror and alternately agonize/celebrate.

I was so stunned that I couldn't even ask for him to elaborate immediately. I didn't really want to. I knew he wasn't talking in the short term, as in, you're less interesting to talk to right now because you're so focused on the state of your nipple progress.

He did go on to explain that he thinks I've lost a certain degree of uniqueness and depth. He said, "You're so intensely focused on the fine details of yourself under your personal microscope that you're completely out of focus with everything outside of that field of view. You don't see or listen to other people anymore."

A large part of me really respects him for saying it. Because I can see where he's coming from. This whole process has been all about ME. My body, my insecurities, my dreams, my desires, my take on what I need to be. I do have the tendency to talk about myself a lot. I would say yes, I'm self-centered, but not in the egotistical sense. In the sense that, I'm constantly thinking about all aspects of myself and it is reflected in my dialogues with others.

But after our conversation I laid awake in bed for hours, turning it all over in my mind. A random phrase from some long-forgotten self-help book popped into my head. It was something along the lines of "Keep only what is useful, move on from the rest."

There are parts of his feedback that I can use. I can recognize that I am extremely focused on myself, and that I have developed a tendency to not listen as carefully to other people, because I'm obsessing in my head about ME ME ME. This is not a fun realization. But I can change it, if I'm aware of it.

Now that I've had to time to digest and regain my equilibrium, I've decided that I will not let him make me feel bad, or inferior, or shallow for having plastic surgery.

I admit that I used to look down on people with breast implants. They're shallow. They're insecure. They don't have the internal fortitude to value themselves for what they're already worth. But I'm in a completely different place now. I get it.

You can value yourself and still yearn for improvement. I actually believe that the more you value yourself, the more you will WANT to improve. Intellectually, emotionally, physically, financially, everything.

Plastic surgery. People always understand when someone has 30 pounds of flesh hanging down to their knees after a 300lb weight loss. That's clearly a medical issue. But I'm not one of those cases. I don't get rashes from skin folds. I just think my body looks bad with the extra skin. I hated my breasts. They made me feel so unfeminine.

He was always saying, you're already beautiful, you're already more than adequate, you're already great. You're just buying into a predetermined version of beauty perpetuated by a dumbed-down society. YES, I'm using society's template for beauty as my basis for what I want in myself physically.

But what are you asking from me? I'm human. We're innately, biologically, at our very cores, social creatures. We evolved to observe our peers and emulate them, because our very survival once hinged upon our ability to form and maintain social connections. I won't apologize for being unable to transcend one of the most basic tenets of my social existence.

It also made me realize that I HAVE gotten lazy in my observation of others. Because when he said those words to me, I immediately accepted them as truth, simply because they came from him, a smart insightful person who I trust and respect.

He's right, and he's wrong. I'm not the same person as the one he wants me to be or thinks I used to be. But I'm no less valuable, and I have a fire in my chest that sometimes feels like it will consume me, a need to learn and explore and help and improve.

I am having plastic surgery not because I feel worthless without it, but because I feel I am worth it.

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