It has been over a month since I have posted on this blog.  In that month I have run myself past the breaking point of fatigue and exhaustion - mental, physical, emotional.  And I don't know how to slow down.  I am terrified of slowing down.

Today I have had FOUR ice cream bars. About 900 calories of garbage. And for the most part that is how my days go.  I manage pretty well throughout the day and then in the evening or late night I binge.  I don't know how much longer my gym routine will hold off the inevitable weight gain, and I don't know how much more I can handle cramming into my schedule.

 

Some days I just want to quit.

 

Ok... been a while.... :)

Staying insanely busy and tired. Working out with the trainer, my department at work changed locations and I have a longer drive. My team is performing horribly.  I have more "hawngry" days than I do "normal" (even by my standards!).  Tomorrow morning I have bloodwork at 8am, trainer at 11, gym at 1215, work until 2330.  Tuesday class 0800 - noon, then tilt table test at 1400 (dreading it).  I am exhausted and it just gets worse as the week wears on.

 

I did a 5k yesterday ... new PR 32:23 vs 33:33.  It was sooo cold and the last mile I was coughing like a lifetime smoker.   The last half mile my legs wore out as well,,, but according to Runkeeper I was doing about 5.8mph.... 10m mile!! WOot

 

depression is knocking on my door. I"m not answering.

I am finding just how much of my life is made up of habit.  Coming here is (was?) a habit and I have gotten out of it. I am thinking that is not necessarily a good thing.  Another habit is my eating compulsively - not a good thing.

I weighed at the gym today and I lost my extra 10lbs.  Then had a "HAWNGRY" day and probably regained it all just today.  I really really need to get out of the HABIT of having protein shakes more than 1 or 2x a day.

My truck is broke down (still? again?) and I need to finish cleaning it out before I take it to the shop tomorrow morning, so I will have a late night (in the pouring rain most likely) and then an early morning to finish up.  Dealership at 1030, trainer at 1100, spin at 12 and then work.  I need to get the bloodwork done for the cardiologist, but it will probably be Wednesday morning or maybe even Friday before I do that.  I need to call and see when my appointment with Dr. Friedman is because I think it is next week... and I have a training class at work that is mandatory.

This Saturday is a 5k on the beach, 3/16 is a 10k downtown on the hills. I am supposed to run 2 miles tonight because I decided to do the half marathon plan my trainer developed for me. I figure I can go through the plan then just start over when I reach the end. Hopefully I will work up my nerve to register for a half marathon - maybe the one in San Antonio in November?

 

Just randomness... hoping I will get back into coming here and maybe it will help with accountability.

I spent all of my high school / adult life as an obese person using food as comfort, punishment and anger management.  There were no expectations placed upon me, so I didn't live up to anything.  I did try to be active and do stuff for my niece and nephews - nearly every summer I took them to the water park. We did Sea World, camping, fishing and trips to the river. I never really participated, just financed and chauffeured.

Then, I decided to have surgery. Immediately I changed my lifestyle and started trying to monitor my food. I started working out and a month before surgery I worked up nerve to start with a fitness trainer.  Over the past 18mths I have busted my ass to prove I was serious about surgery and my new life.  Training for an hour 2x a week with the trainer, doing group exercise classes, attending triathlon training sessions, swimming, biking, running on my own.  I monitored my food intake and obsessed over calories and carbs.  I have never ever experienced the freedom and confidence that came with losing 185lbs.  I went to the water park and rode the rides (much to my 17yr old nephew's delight! I thought it would embarrass him but he loved it). I bought a horse and rode him (some).  I bought clothes off the rack - some of them size SMALL but mostly MEDIUMs. Crazy.  I sat comfortably in chairs even the ones with arms on them.  I was told by people I was a "machine" in the gym.  I LOVED MY LIFE>

 

So what happened?  Why has hunger / compulsion / lack of control over taken me?  I didn't think I was getting careless? I still workout with the trainer.  My food has just gotten crazy.  And my life in general is so out of control I feel panicky and claustrophobic to even think of trying to get some sort of recognizable structure.  In my OCD mind, in order to do the right foods I ahve to buy them, and in order to buy them I need room in my fridge and cabinets to keep them - but my fridge and cabinets have food in them. Not necessarily "bad" foods, so I definitely don't want to just toss them and toss the money I spent on them.

Here's what I am hoping :   starting next Thursday I will be in a different work location so I won't be going to my parent's house for my meal break as much.  When I get there is when I tend to start really hogging on some food. Like tonight. There is no way I should be able to eat all I do.  I am going to ask Dr. Friedman about the validity of requesting a scope to see what my pouch is like.  Real proud moment to be looking at a revision before I am 2yrs out.  sigh

anyway - back to hope.   At the new location I am next to the break room so I can put my lunch in the fridge that way it isn't right at my desk, easy to grab.  I am also going to limit my protein shakes.  As much as I love them, they are just liquid calories. The days I try to do just shakes end horribly because I have no control over my hunger.  Maybe that is what I need... to go somewhere that shakes are all I have access to. Or maybe if Dr. Friedman put me on shakes only I would do it. Something has to give, before it is me that gives.

 I saw the cardiologist today.   It wasn't as bad as I expected.  They made efforts to make up for the last experience.  Instead of the tech coming in and doing my history and vitals, the nurse did (weighed 183 with my shoes / jacket on  :(   ). She took my blood pressure laying down, sitting up and standing - all responded normal but were "low"  (100/72 - 104/76). My pulse was 48.  She asked if I had scheduled my tilt table test yet and when it was - then wrote it in 2 or 3 different places on my chart.

  Then someone else came in and just asked about my sodium intake and hydration, and the doctor came in after her. He told me what we already knew - the Holter Monitor results were fine. He said it isn't heart rhythm causing the dizziness and he thinks it is blood pressure. I held back from saying "NO!?!? Really?!?"    He told me again to continue to increase my sodium and water intake until my blood pressure top number is 110 or 120. I don't know how compliant I can be with that, and I told him, because my legs swell with too much salt. He said that is most likely a result of the years I spent so overweight and my body doesn't move fluids from lower extremities as well.   As I was leaving he told me he will see me in 3 months (last time it was a year) and gave me some labs to have run (thyroid and cortisol). He said if I don't hear back results of my tests in what I feel is a reasonable time for me to call his nurse directly.  Then if I still feel things are not moving the way they need to, he gave me a contact number where he personally will return my call.   The nurse, doctor and receptionist were all talking and joking with me as I checked out - my mom goes there so we had a common topic.  Then, this afternoon, the other cardiologist office called to confirm my appointment - the one the original nurse said she would take care of canceling for me.   Good grief.   As I was leaving the medical building I stopped by my surgeon's office and the nurse gave me my B1 injection. I sure hope it helps. I haven't been compliant with my vitamins either - another one of those "structure" things.  

I am so glad I have Dr. Friedman and his staff watching over me.  Even though my B1 numbers come back fine consistently, they had me start supplementing with B1 injections and oral B1 because of my drastic memory changes (as in I have no memory!!).  It helps so much! I can definitely tell when I miss - and I have missed for a couple of weeks now.  Hopefully Monday morning, after the cardiologist office, I can stop in and get the injection. I started back on the B1 tablet a couple of days ago.

Thursday night I got off work at 0100 instead of 0000.  After going home, changing clothes, helping my mom, feeding the horses, tending to chicks / rabbits, looking for my wandering rooster, feeding the dogs and a hot shower, it was 0300.  My alarm was set for 0500 and I went to my 0600 Spinnerval class.  It was a great class - I was so tired lol.  As the class ended and I was helping to carry some equipment back to storage, a young very buff guy said "You are a machine in there!".   yeah baby!  :)

When I got out to the very cold parking lot (ok, no smart comments from Northerners here!), my truck wouldn't start.  Security came over to try to jump start it - no joy.   My dad came and gave me a ride home while he went to a doctor appointment.  My friend sent her hubby to help me.  He picked me up from my folk's house and when we got to my job he had me try to start the truck -  first turn of the key it cranked!  He said he still thought from the sound of it that there is a fuel filter problem.   I had already called and canceled my counseling appointment, so I made a quick trip to the feed store, home to help my mom and then home for a short nap. I really REALLY wanted to just keep on sleeping, but I got up and went to my youngest nephew's baseball game. I had planned to go to my older nephew's game, but he rarely plays (high school politics :(  ) , it was cold and my mom was home alone because my dad had gone to the game. SO I went to their house.  After my dad got home and we helped my mom to bed, I tended my animals and went to bed. I think I slept pretty well.

This morning my phone battery went dead and therefore my alarm didn't go off  - Riley dog missed the first day of school!  It was just as well, since I would have had to leave early to make my rescheduled counseling appointment.  After counseling I took Lucy to Petsmart for an adoption event. She was her sweet self, waggy tail and saying hi - but everybody patted her and then went to the puppies. I'll have to teach her some tricks or something to up our game  :).

I had some lunch (Bubba burger w/ lettuce, tomato, pickle, cheese on 100 cal sandwich thin), helped my mom and went to work.  My friend the photographer called and said she had the most recent canvas I had ordered so I was going to meet her at my parent's house.  My truck wouldn't start.  She brought the canvas to me at work (it is beautiful!) along with a smaller canvas she had made with the quote "Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole".  She spoils me!    My dad came at my meal time to give me a ride to their house, then I would drive his truck back to work.  When he got here he had me try the truck - it started.    *sigh*  

The truck did stall out driving down the road, and after I shut off all the lights etc it finally started back and ran long enough to get home.  I helped my mom, ate a ton of food and used my dad's truck to get back to work.  I will have to get up early tomorrow in order to have time to clean out my truck (there is no back seat, it is "stuff" and garbage and cases of water, etc).  I for sure can't take it to a mechanic Monday, but maybe Tuesday I can drop it off somewhere and get it on Wednesday.   Nissan must know I got my work bonus Thursday night.

In other news -  In the coming week I have

Monday -  a cardiology appointment, getting my B1 injection, a vet appointment to have 2 cats microchipped, and a 12hr shift.

Tuesday - Trainer workout at 11, Spin class at 12,  11hr shift

Wednesday - Trainer workout at 1030, then take some gift boxes across town to our new work location. I want to have "goodies" on my Team desks when they come in for their first day there

Thursday - my team starts working at the new location but I will be in an all day class at the current location. I'll head over for a few hours to make sure everyone gets settled in ok. 

Friday - Spinnerval, Counseling,  check on Team at new location

Saturday - RIley to school, then Lucy and maybe Riley or Rio to "Bark to Remember"  - dog friendly Alzheimer's fundraiser at the baseball stadium.

I have a tilt table test on March 5, to check on my dizziness.   March is also the dread time of year for my yearly check up with theGYN.  I also have an appointment to follow up with Dr. Friedman and the dietitian for my 18mth check up and labs.  I hope and pray I have lost this 10lbs by then.

Actually... I need to do more than hope and stop treating prayer like Santa Claus. I need to stop feeding my dang face garbage all the time.