Last night my husband took a picture of me and my toddler on the couch. I can not believe how I looked. I can not believe that this is what my outsides look like. I can't imagine how my insides look! I feel horrible healthwise. I can't regulate my thyroid or my periods or anything. Looking at my face and my weight...sitting next to my little toddler who depends on me............. it's sad. There is no excuse. All the cupcakes and the candy bars and the mashed potatoes and the coca colas and the sugar and the starch...... I feed my food addiction and there is my little toddler that needs my help and needs me to be a good mother.

 

It stops now. It stops now! I can not live another day like this. I can not keep feeding the beast. My sugar addiction can not rule my life. I have lived worse before and struggled through that. I am going to have to fight like hell to keep this sugar beast at bay. Looking at the picture of me and my son...... that will forever stain my mind.   How fucking selfish am I? How incredibly selfish. I have made a choice to feed my addiction rather than be healthy and present for my son.

 

My father did the same exact thing. But with alcohol. And i resented the hell out of him.  My child turns 3 soon. And I will not show up to his birthday at 375 plus pounds. He deserves better.  I had a child and then chose to feed my food addiction. How freaking selfish is that. It is unacceptable.

 

I have a choice. My father chose the bottle and philandering around instead of staying home and being a father. I won't put my son through my bad choices in life.

 

This is it. Period.

So it's the end of 2012 and I think I have gained 25 more pounds putting me around 375 or so. I'm glad that I have this page to look back at my empty promises to myself.

 

My mother told me today that she and my father worry day and night that i'm going to have a stroke or a heart attack. I may not have obvious symptoms of this or that now but they think it could be a silent killer for me. That scared the living hell out of me. I went to smoke a cigarette at my friend's house and immediately put it out thinking- what the hell am I doing. (I don't even smoke).

 

I know what I need to do. I know what works. I think I've done enough destruction to myself. I've taken over the job for the people in the past that hurt me. It's time to move on. I have to be a good example for my son. My parent's comments scared the shit out of me.

stats:

5'8"
355 pounds
age: 40

size 3x pants
size 4x shirt
size 46 G bra
size 11 shoe

I am really excited to start this process. The before/after pictures on this site are amazing!! Everyone has really beautiful stories of defeating obesity!