But life will get in the way of updating my blog :)

Let’s see- I’m now 21.5 mos post-op, and my weight is pretty stable. I hover around 125-127 or so and I’m still in a size 2 pant/S or XS shirt. I will be the first to admit that I eat junk (albeit not a lot) and I snack/graze too much still. I (but with permission from my doc) still eat/drink at the same time, and it does a pretty decent job of keeping the weight on me. I don’t even track calories anymore most days, because I’m stable and usually about where I’m supposed to be. Vitamins I’m actually on a vitamin regimen for depression and it seems to be helping a tiny bit.

 

Mentally, I still suffer from depression, low self-esteem, occasional crying fits, etc. Part of it is stress, part of it is the volatile relationship I have with my boyfriend (I fully admit we are like oil and water and it’s been a rough 14 mos with him!), part of it is the difficult grad program I am in… it’s hard being me, most days. I can’t always say I’m coping that well, but I AM coping, I’m still maintaining my weight, and running when I can (which is never very often, sadly enough).

I’m taking a little break at work (shhh don’t tell my boss! :) ) to update my blog, since I try to do 1x/month…

 

My weight is fluctuating but not going any lower- still anywhere from 114-118 depending on the day… I am, however, physically getting smaller. My sz 2s are big and I had to move down to a sz 0 womens/sz 1 juniors. I’m in a S or XS shirt and I am struggling not to try and lose down to 109 (because I’ve never seen a 10- anything in my weight before)- how sick is that? My BF tells me I’m too thin and it’s like being intimate with a 13 yr old, everyone tells me how tired I look, I feel sick most of the time, but I STILL somewhere in my crazy brain think I’m not small enough. Plus I still have a lot of skin, so I know damn well that losing anymore is insane, but yet… sometimes that voice in the back of my head just WILL NOT be quiet. I feel like I could be an advertisement for post-WLS eating disorders :( I’m in therapy with an ED counselor 1x/week, see a shrink 1x/month, and am in the middle of undergoing intense vitamin therapy, plus I started regularly going back to my church and attending bible study, all in a vain effort to get some kind of peace. Some days I think it’s helping me and other days I am utterly convinced that I’m a lost cause.

 

But at least school is going well for me- I have a 4.0 in my MBA program, which I should wrap up next August. I was accepted into an Audiology 4 yr program, which starts Sep 2011 and will end May 2015. Then I will be Dr. Heather! (Well, I’ll have an Au.D, which isn’t the same as an M.D. but still…) I’m also still trying to finish this M.A. that I started awhile ago, but I submitted my thesis so that should be done by January. And then I am FOR SURE done with school- no more for me!

 

Operation “Fix my finances” is going well- I have almost everyone paid back and only owe $1310 including CC and paying remaining people back. After that’s paid I have some miscellaneous stuff to pay to get it off my credit report, but… I can breathe easier a bit. I should be done with that in about 6 weeks from now and I will be able to start the new year off without debt (other than my Jeep pay)! I am also taking a trip to Serbia for 11 days to see my family and friends and meet my BF’s parents (eek! Talk about nerve-wracking!) This is the first time a lot of my extended family over there has seen me in about 5+ yrs and they’ve NEVER seen me this thin. I think we’re leaving Oct 30^th but we’ll see…  

Just a mini update on me since I try to at least do one monthly on here… I’ve lost more weight since my last blog and can wear anything from a sz 0-sz 3, primarily 1 and 2. My surgeon is telling me to GAIN back about 10-12 lb and stop losing right now. I am so screwed in the head from my body dysmorphia that this makes me upset. I truly look sick/unwell and could stand to gain, absolutely, but I’m struggling with that thought. I have a psych appt next Sat with a new therapist specializing in eating disorders… and it cannot come soon enough!  

Payday today and I’m back to being broke :( I paid car pay, electric, cell, credit card, and my autosavings. I have to leave $ for Nora’s vet and my psych appt.   I am taking steps (albeit small ones) to take my life back. I have a 12 month plan to get everything kosher and where I want everything to be. In 13 months (eek!!!!!!!!) I’ll be 30 and I am looking forward to starting that part of my life with everything the way I want it. I read Suze O. finance books and finally implemented her plan for women- I increased my 401k, started a Roth IRA, and am doing autosavings into an ING account that I don’t have easy access to. I’m also working on paying down my one credit card and paying off medical bills. THANK GOD I just found out I got a large raise at work so that begins next check, plus I get retroactive pay for the last month. I will finish my MBA right around my 30^th bday (Oct-Nov 2011, depending on class schedule). I have a kitten named Lenora that I just got to try and help fill the void from when my dog died last March. I have not been running as much as I would have liked, but I will start that back again soon.

I made 3 batches of protein bars last night (ended up with 15 net). Flavors this time were Choc PB, Choc Rasp, and White Choc-Banana (SO good!), cleaned my apartment, and did a hell of a lot of schoolwork.

I’m depressed and in a funk right now, in general, and not sure how to pull out of it. In a lot of ways, my life is WORSE after WLS and I wasn’t prepared for and/or expecting that reality, so I’m having a hard time dealing with it. I feel like the “red headed stepchild” of WLS and it’s very isolating sometimes. My support group isn’t a support, my friends are jealous, etc.
 

I’ve lost a lot of weight and in 4 days it’ll have been 14 mos. I went from a sz 22/24 to a sz 2. My bra went from a 44H to a 32DD/34D. In that time I also threw my husband out, started an MBA program, got a new BF, ran 3 races, and so much has changed that I feel helpless. My finances are screwed, because I really do not make very good $. I owe people $, which bothers/scares/depresses me. The divorce (well and living with a financial idiot prior to it) ruined my credit and my bills. I just keep getting sadder and sadder. My personality is fucked- I’m constantly crabby and angry and irritated and now I cry all the time. Literally, almost every day. And I am not a crier. I think I am coming to the conclusion that I need to find a very good therapist, now. As in, right this second. And not just one who specializes in ED. I’m starting to feel panic attacks coming on and I feel trapped like a caged rat. All I do is shake, or cry, or both. I feel like I never get any time to myself, to relax. Even exercise isn’t helping me calm down. I am downright miserable, and I have NO ONE I can talk to about it, no one. Everyone just tells me I’m being “negative all the time” and I feel like I’m in a waking hell most days. I have no one to lean on and no one to be strong for me, and I’m cracking. I went from fat but functional and married so $ was ok to thin and neurotically miserable with no $. What exactly did WLS do for me, other than lower my blood pressure and all that?

With the preface that this will sound egotistical, here goes:

 

1)      I am funny. Not just “kinda sorta” funny, but hilarious. People call me when they need a good laugh. I can make a joke out of anything. I look at it as my job to make people laugh. I love it.

2)      I am determined. If I want something badly enough, I WILL do/get it. I don’t destroy others to achieve my goals, but I don’t let anyone stop me, either. Obstacles don’t ever concern me; I simply see the bigger picture instead.

3)      I am smart. I learn quickly, I grasp concepts much faster than most other people do, and I love to use my brain. I belong to MENSA (which I usually don’t tell ppl, but hey, it’s my blog and I’m braggin on myself here!) and I read nerdy history books for fun. And I am learning that it is OK to be smart.

4)      I am extremely intuitive. I just KNOW THINGS. Doesn’t mean I always listen, or pay attention to what I dream about, or hell, even acknowledge that I know things, but I do. I have a lot of insight into people and situations. Even when I was a little girl, I just knew stuff I really had no way of knowing. That little voice in the back of my head? Yeah it has never ONCE been wrong. I just don’t listen to it often enough.

5)      I am tough, both mentally and physically. I get knocked down (often, unfortunately) and I always get right back up to do it again. Some of the things that I have been through would have broken most people, but I’m still here. I can take a beating and withstand just about anything. My body is such an amazing machine that I am in awe of it. I push it harder and harder and it always responds and asks, “What next?”

6)      I have an almost endless capacity to love. Seriously, I love people who don’t even deserve it. And when I love, I give everything I have in return, even if it is a foregone conclusion that I won’t get as much back. I love people I don’t even know. I have a bleeding heart for animals that aren’t even mine. If I care for someone, I care deeply, insanely, passionately, and it does not waiver or falter or change, ever. I don’t give up on the people who need my love the most, even when I get screwed for it.

7)      I haven’t lost my child-like sense of wonder and magic, or my endless curiosity about the world. The world and everything in it fascinates me. I can stare at the stars for hours. I can watch documentaries all day on places I have never even heard of. I want to see every country in the world, try new foods, learn about ten languages. I want to see the sun rise in Morocco and set in Nairobi. I still dream of all the incredible things I will do when I grow up. And I believe I WILL do them, because the world is a magical place.

8)      I am immensely spiritual. I don’t talk about it much because the US is a hard, cold place, but I believe with all my heart in the spirit and the soul and that people are never gone.  Not in an Earthly body? Sure, but never gone. And what you put out will come back to you, the world is once circle and so people are never really as different from one another as they imagine. I believe we are all connected, and there is a bigger plan for all of us, something much bigger than THIS.

9)       I am a very good writer. I am not naïve enough to think that there is a market for a short story/fiction writer who is NOT Stephen King or doesn’t write Chick Lit, but I am good. And I love it. It makes me happy just to keep a journal. The very act of writing is cathartic and the endless scratching of the pen soothes me. I like the idea that I could write something that someone will one day read and think, “No one ever explained it like that. Someone else thought exactly like I did” and maybe they will feel a little less alone.

10)  I am most at home outdoors. I connect with the outdoors in a way that I can’t even describe (and that’s difficult to do; I have words for everything). I am happiest on the water, or in the woods, or running on the side of the road.