Lucky2talk2
It is December and this is 3 years post RNY this month!!
Dec 21, 2013
It is so mind blowing to be out 3 years from my Gastric Bypass (RNY) surgery! On 12-15-10 I was taken into the operating room ... so scared and not knowing what to expect for myself... I had the general idea from others that have had the surgery and read so many different articles and blogs... but for me I was just so scared. Would I die in the operation, would I lose the weight that I wanted and so desperately needed to lose, would I regain it all back faster than I could blink if I did lose a lot of weight (since every time I lost 100's of pounds they always came back on me faster than I was able to lose them). There were so many many many other thoughts of wonder and fear that ran through my mind.
Going through the surgery was the best decision that I could have made for myself!! I still feel this way and will always feel this way. It has given me quality to my life. It has opened doors that were closed or closing very fast. I know today at even 3 years out that I have so many more doors waiting for me! I know that there will be no end to my fight for a healthier me but certainly I have gained a lot of tools and knowledge that will allow me to keep moving forward and keep my success in this life long journey. I am aware and try to stay in focus. Not to overly obsess on it but keep it in thought, when I am in places that I know I could over indulge or get lost in old paths or habits. I also realize that I am not perfect and a failure will not doom me for life. I just need to jump back onto the right ways and keep on going. I stay going to my support group at the University of Washington medical center once per month! There are always new people pre surgery and then post ops that are farther out from their surgery date than I am. All of the people that attend are understanding and very kind. It is a great group and has continued to motivate, encourage, and help me when I am needing the help. Advice even this far out! I strongly believe in attending these and plan to do so the rest of my life or as long as I am able!
So, as I have said, I am not perfect. I strive to do the right things and be good. But as I get further out from surgery it does get easier to eat some of the things that I should not be eating so easily. This means it is even more work to stay on the right paths... and I have to accept mistakes or imperfections and move on to do right the next time. Sometimes it means, in the midsts of my doing this that I stop and spit out the food and give it to the big silver garbage gut! (that is right the garbage can)!! I know it will look better in it that it will on me and then I find that I am almost giddy inside to know that I took this step! It does not happen to often that I have to do this, but when it does..... OH What a JOY it is to me to have MADE THAT CHOICE!! I have had continuous surgeries since my WLS 0n 12-15-10. About every 6 months I have under went another surgery. They have been major. With each one it has brought on going back into the Operating Room 2 and 3 times each. Due to my Genetic Bleeding disorders that I found out about after also having a bleed in brain in 2011. My most recent surgery was on 8-16-13. I was just released about 3 weeks ago from the wound clinic regarding that surgery. It was a grueling ordeal but was a necessity. I spent a total of 28 days in the hospital and countless moments of uncertainty and pain. I was so ready to never ever have another surgery ever!! However, I still had this bad knee. I had however decided that I was done and that I would just continue to put my knee back into place and deal with that pain forever! I just want to go to work and was so done with surgery.
Moving on to 10-06-13.... My knee has gone out completely. The surgeon says there is no other fix than total knee replacement due to the torn parts of it and the arthritis with bone spurs. So bringing this forward.... they knew then how afraid I was of surgery. They said well we could fix one of the tears but that I would continue to have my knee go out. They told me that it involved surgery to repair one of the tears... so surgery was going to be needed at any rate. Bringing you to where I am at today with this.
12-21-13....
I have decided in thinking this through. If I am having to go through with surgery then I may as well get the total knee replacement done. I will have to heal and go through all of the possible blood clots, infections and hematoma's.... so I may as well get it taken care of. He told me at some point down the road, the knee will have to be replaced. Again, this brings me to my quality of live and what I want to be able to do and live. I have went to orientations and had numerous medical appointments, been to the dentist and have made sure my body is ready for this surgery. I am scheduled for 01-13-14 in Seattle's Virginia Mason Hospital. I was really very scared to go through with this decision at first. But, I tell you, the longer I am on these crutches the more I can't wait for that day to get here. I am non weight baring on this right leg of mine as it just buckles. My shoulder blades just ache at times. I am thankful that I am able to ambulate on them though cause I was not able to when I was larger. So I am blessed for sure. I have to think about that when I want to complain and then I just take a deep breathe and suck it up and trudge on because I CAN!
Well I am so looking forward to the new year!! My husband and I have a new tradition that we started 3 years ago. We are going to the Space Needle in Seattle WA. You see all of my younger years when everyone around me... like brothers and friends were able to go the needle I was just to big and not mobile enough to do that. It was a lot of walking and lack of seating so I was not welcomed. When I started to lose the weight I got to where I felt that I could do this and I JUST WAS NOT GOING TO MISS OUT ANY LONGER ON THINGS LIKE THIS!!! Well, we found our place that year to watch the fireworks. We came to find out that King 5 TV did part of their live air broadcasting from right there. So we go to meet Jim Dever from Evening Magazine!! Not only that, we found out that we were seen on live tv!! They had talked to my husband and I and then at one point in the live coverage they "interviewed" us. My husband had just proposed to me 6 month prior 07-04-11. So we were ringing in the new year knowing that we were going to be married on 07-04-12!! So now every year we go to that same spot. This year seems discouraging with going to the needle and being on crutches or possible my husband will push me on my oversized 4 wheel walker. (rated for 650 lbs it now is like a wheel chair for me). It will work. I have only had to fight my own inner demons with this thought. You see, my mind says that it is a set back and how people will wonder why I am on that darn walker or why I am on crutches like I am a failure. But in reality, no one at random will know my story and where I have come from. I know that I am working this as well and best as I can.
So with every surgery I have been able to maintain and stay between 211 and 230. My flex range has always been easily 15 lbs on any given day... overnight! However since Thanksgiving I have noticed that I have put on some weight. now bouncing between 230 and 244! Yes, this pisses me off. I am not as active and the food just seems easier to eat. The holidays suck when it comes to food! Again, realizing I am not perfect. Last night I decided with pain at 1 AM that I was going to get up and take pain meds. I then decided that I was going to go eat something... grabbing a bagel and mandarin orange I sat at the kitchen table. My husband come out there and asked what I was doing... I said going to eat. He turn around... made a rude noise of disgust and said he was going back to bed. I thought for a moment, then got up and went to my silver friend and opened it up... spit out the bite I put in my mouth and discarded the plate and food! I have done this on a few occasions... but when my husband did this... I was at upmost embarrassment and disgust with myself and also aimed it at my husband. I went back to bed and was just angry at him! I then laid there thinking... eventually told him I loved him and drifted off to sleep.
So, it is hard for me to accept others throwing comments at me that are negative. It may make me angry but it sure did make me stop and think about things. I know that he was doing it out of love.
That brings me to yesterday also. I went to a gathering at out rental office. There was another tenant there that has rented longer than we have here and she remembers me in my power chair at my biggest. She has always told me how great I look and how great I am doing. When she saw me come I was being pushed on the walker to the club house because of the distance and being on crutches. (you know how I have the demon thoughts using a mobile assistance device). Well she was sitting amongst several people.... got up and loudly gave me a hug and blurted out how I must be on steroids or something as I have gained weight.... she was loudly saying that I look so good and that I should not lose any more weight. I was slightly embarrassed and slightly irritated. I realize that she meant well, but come on. I already feel like I frustrated at moments... because I have not yet hit my final goal. I feel great, but just knowing that I have not yet hit that final number on the scale. I am comfortable but WILL and still WANT to go lower. I am not accepting comments from persons that tell me to stay where I am at!!!
This brings me to this: Where is the stopping point? I feel like this. I will have a point where I may want to stay at weight wise (the number on the scale) but that I will be the judge of. I know that when I get there I will know. Ideally looking more like 175 but just not sure at this moment. I wanted to see 154 on the scale, but may not be realistic because as much skin that has been removed from my body I still have a lot of it. I work with my doctors.
So for now, I am going to close this blog and will be back sooner.... or later! I never forget about Obesityhelp.com. I mention to a lot of people that are fighting weight battles or are considering or have had WLS that this is a great website! I will always be back in here and the forum I feel most comfortable in is still the Over 50 BMI. I know that you all have that understanding of being over 300 lbs and trying to hang in there for the long haul. It takes us generally longer to get to goal and can be very frustrating for us to constantly see people at goal with in the "one year" time frame. Please, do not get me wrong... any weight issue is and can be tough to tackle and so I say "WAY TO GO TO EVERYONE THAT CAN CONQUER THEIR BATTLE'!!!!!
HUGS,
Sherrie Wilbanks Willynck
