My life has changed so much in the past year. I have lost a total of 151 pounds (including my pre-surgery weight loss). That is an entire adult person with a somewhat normal BMI depending on their height of course. WOW!

It is interesting the changes you go through mentally. I was thinking about the person I lost and for the first time I truly saw how empty and eaten up with sadness she was. I am so sorry that she carried over 200 pounds of guilt, pain and sadness for so many years. No one should be stuck in that place, no one should be left there for that many years. No one should live in such darkness.

I see now that I used all those layers of fat to insulate myself away from losing people. It hurt me to lose my son, my mother, and my sister. It hurt me that I couldn't keep my marriage intact during my son's illness. I felt like such a failure, truth is I actually felt defective and unworthy of love. I shut my husband out because all I could do was focus on my son. He left me because I was isolated away from everything because I knew my son would die and I didn't have a clue how I would live. I ate  the guilt of being a failure as a mother and a wife for over 30 years! It made me feel so guilty the thought of enjoying life when my son could not so I ate. 

I felt guilty when my mom and sister died, I was in the car and I lived. I walked away with only a few scrapes and bruises. They both died horribly. Year after year I silently questioned myself, "why didn't you just grab Sherry's hand?" I did not because I was afraid. The noise of the metal being ripped away from the car was so loud and alien. The car was spinning and all I could do was close my eyes and wrap my arms across my chest and pray for the car to stop. I clung to myself, I didn't reach out because I was afraid. I am sorry sister, I could not save you.  Today I realize I wanted to live too! I paid 25 years of my life out for the guilt of living after surviving a car accident I didn't even cause.

Today I no longer see myself as the perpetrator of some horrible crime like living. I actually laugh at the stupidity of such a thought.  I have said my apologizes as well as my goodbyes to those I lost, I have forgiven myself for things I had no control over. I understand I miss these people who were such a vital part of my existence and I don't have to hide from life to do this. I believe I am normal and important. I have a right to live my life joyously and without guilt or feelings of overwhelming inadequacy. I am human after all and allowed to make many mistakes and to move forward.  

I am no longer a slave to food although it does try to call me back. I am much stronger and am learning to say "no I don't need you, I am okay being exposed to life." I am learning to cope with emotions. This has not been an easy year but it is one of my richer years. I am hopeful for a much brighter, fulfilling life.