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macktrac has 4 Friends

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to lose another ten pounds prior to surgery!!

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Where do I begin?  I have always been heavy.  Always!  I even wondered why God would allow such a thing for a person to go through, but I have a greater understanding now.  After years of diets, lifestyle changes (temporary), exercising, torments, anxiety at parties with small chairs, and short belts in cars, planes, and everywhere else, I am tired.  I have decided that surgery is an option for me and I have learned through this process that I do not owe anyone an explanation for my decision.  God and I are good.  It is still taking some therapy and soul searching to deal with decision making and understanding why the choices are made.  At any rate, I am glad that you are here with me OH to provide a community without judgement and condemnation.  I finally feel like I can see the light at the end of a very dark, lonely, and misunderstood tunnel......................  As a result, I feel strange.  All that is common or familiar is about to change!  Thank you God!!!!
macktrac's Blog
macktrac's Blog


Need help!
on March 27, 2011 5:17 am
I wish I was a few months out of surgery again!  It was so much easier then.  I like support group, but we need a support group that addresses the challenges after being years out.  I feel like all we talk about is preparing for surgery and helping those who are feeling anxiety about surgery.  I am all for helping others, but I need for support group to be focused on more than one phase of this journey. 
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Support Needed
on July 3, 2010 9:48 pm
Well it has been a long time since I posted.  I have learned a valuable lesson.  Never underestimate the value of a support network.  It is so easy to fall back into bad habits.  However, I am still maintaining somewhere around 120 lbs lost, but would like to move beyong here.  I would like to lose about 40 more pounds.  I just feeling like I am failing daily.  Support needed!  Thanks!
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Finally 100 lbs.
on January 28, 2009 7:16 pm

Friday will be 6 months since surgery.  I cannot believe it has been 6 months already.  I have had some ups and downs in this process, but I would do it all again if I had to.  I realized that my scale at home and my scale at the doctor's office were not in agreement.  I found the trick to using my scale at home.  Finally, last weekend, I made 100 lbs. lost.  I am amazed at the transformation.  If I could just get my brain to not be "fat", that would be great.  At any rate, I wear about an 18W which is a far cry from 32W-34W six months ago.  Many people have their opinions about surgery, but they have no idea what it is like to carry so much weight around on our bodies.  We must do what is best for us.  I am learning what my style is and that is the most fun in this process.  I visit Dr. Moe tomorrow.  I will update to see if our scales agree.  Peace!

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I can't believe the change that has come!
on December 31, 2008 4:46 am
It is hard to believe that this time last year, surgery was something that I was hoping for.  All of the anxiousness is passed and now it is really an event that has already taken place.  I feel like there is life before 7/30/08 and life after 7/30/08.  I like the life afterwards so much better. Maybe that was my new year!  There are still challenges, but they are nothing like the challenges that I had.  I am so thankful to God for this surgery.  I am not implying that I could not have dieted and exercised.  I just know myself and I needed the help to get this done.  I always tell people who are considering it or who are against it; one must know himself and what is for him and what is not.  I am thankful that I love myself so much more now and I can love others so much better without apprehension and fear.  If they do not recieve it, then I pray for them and I no longer allow their negativity to be placed on my shoulders as though it is my fault.  This surgery has allowed me to see the world with brand new eyes.  I am just so thankful.  My husband is so enjoying a wife that he has never seen before and that is really exciting! I feel like I am an example to so many others who are struggling with their weight.  Not that surgery may be for them, but more that there are options if you have tried for years like I did to lose the weight.  Furthermore, there is no shame in making a concious decision that will save your life and the quality of it.  To God be the glory for the great things that He has done.  Keep praying for me please.  Happy New Year.
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Still going strong
on November 8, 2008 12:34 am
Hey all,
      Time is moving so quickly.  I cannot believe that I am three months out of surgery already.  I have had some good and bad days, but the good has outweighed the bad.  Bad days are usually because I did not follow directions.  So I learn the lesson and keep on moving.  I am down almost 75 pounds.  It is amazing.  I do a lot of walking.  Sometimes, I ride bikes at the gym or some weight training.  One of the biggest lessons that I am learning is that you cannot worry about what people think.  They are always thinking of something.  However, you and I must know that we did what we needed to do for ourselves.  I am learning to love myself and it is amazing.  I feel like I am being transformed from the inside out and the outside in.  I am now excited about shopping (though I still use the second hand stores) because now I can wear some of the trendy outfits that are out now.  I pray for so many people who are where I was.  It is so easy to judge, but we must pray that others will be free from the pain, weight, and prison of obesity.  I do not know how I made it so long.  It must have been the Lord carrying me like the poem Footsteps says.  I am so thankful for this second chance at life.  I hope that this message inspires someone because after all that I have been through, I want someone else to benefit from the steps that you and I have taken to make life sweeter for ourselves.  Never doubt, we deserve it!!!!
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My Story

I am currently 38 years old.  I am married to a wonderful, supportive husband of 11 years.  We have an 18 year old son who is a blessing (most days).  I am a teacher in the Baltimore City Public School System.  My life has not been as exciting as others, but I can see how I got here.  My parents had me when they were about 17 years old.  They were still yound and therefore we grew up together.  As expected, I spent most of my time with my maternal grandparents.  Not because my parents were horrible, but because my grandparents were more stable and I felt very secure with them.  Our family, especially my grandmother, celebrated everything with food.  Boy, she used to really cook!  Food was the center of many days.  As I look now, it was a crutch for my grandmother.  I found that I was part of a wonderful family, who also happened to be emotional eaters.   My relationship with my parents, especially my father, took a nose dive when they began using drugs.  Luckily, I was about 17 and about to graduate from school.  I had other family members that I could lean on like my maternal great grandmother and my maternal uncle (who was like a best freind).  I did not know what it was like to receive a great deal of affection or attention from my dad.  I was overweight and did not really have a boyfriend.  I thought none of them would want me because that was what I was told (because I was fat).  Therefore, the first time a guy paid any mind to me, I took what he offered (good, bad, or indifferent).  As you would know it, I became pregnant and a mother at 19.  My relationship with my parents was very estranged and complicated.  I know that they loved my brother and I, but they were very careless at this time.  So I clung to my uncle and grandparents for protection and security.  Needless to say, I did not marry my son's father, but soon found that he was not someone that I wanted to be with.  Not long after that my great grandmother passed from Cancer in 1995 while I was a student in college.  I had to find a place to go considering the circumstances.  I had to provide for myself.  Not long after, my grandfather died from Cancer as well in 2000.  My security blanket was shrinking.  He was like a dad to me for many years.  He was stern, but loving,  giving, and tender in his own way.  I really loved he and great grandmother greatly.  I met my husband in 1994 and after dating for a while, we married in 1997.  We have had some rough places, but we made it by the grace of God.  We had a wonderful wedding organized and coordinated by my Uncle Tommy who was like no other uncle in the world to me!  He was also about 600 lbs. (my mother's brother).  He was the greatest uncle ever.  He died also in 2002 on my wedding anniversary!  The security blanket was getting smaller and smaller.  I miss my family.  Food became my better and better friend with every death.  I did not know if I could make it without them, but God is a keeper.  Since then, my own son has graduated school, I have obtained my Master's Degree, my marriage is intact, our home is intact, and I am hanging in there.  So you see my story is not full of sexual abuse, physical abuse, or even emotinal abuse, but it is loaded with uncertainty, grief, anxiety, low self esteem, and depression.  Sorting through so may challenges made me reclusive and distant.  Therefore, I knew that food would not talk back.  Food would not judge me and would not leave, die, or hurt me.