that is my new coping skill seems like. Getting overwhelmed and exploding with tears. I totally just blew up upset at my mom just recently for no good reason really. It's just i can't eat for feeling anymore. Its not that I want to. I just never really realized how much I used it to numb my feelings until now. It's scary how much I "didn't feel". I didn't think it was possible to do that without drugs. To numb out everything but it is. I hope that I find something else healthy to use to cope with soon. this is getting really hard. On a happier note. I'm down to 14s!!! yay!! I stepped on the scale yesterday and it said 213. when I get that 199 I am taking a picture. Onederland is going to make my life!! I cannot remember the last time I had a 1 as the first number. I can't wait for that day to come. Well im off to do errands.

I had my three month check-up today. My surgeon says im right on the average for my bmi weight loss at 33%. which is good. I've lost 53 lbs. I talked to him about all my nausea that I have been having. He said it could be acid, it could be a stricture or it could be an ulcer. I don't want have any of those things. I hope the antacid presciption he gave me will help. I don't want to have to get an endoscopy. I sort of do because then atleast i would know whats wrong with me. I just have so much going on with school and everything its just hard.

I just made it to 50 lbs. I can't believe it. I keep looking in the mirror longer every time because I don't believe that its really me looking back at me. 2 and a half months ago. I was worrying about the rest of my life and how it was going to be fat or if I was ever going to know what it was like to shop where I wanted and to go to the beach in a two piece and be proud. I am now 50 lbs. lighter and working my way there. I am out of plus sized stores. Layne Bryant you had cute clothes but I don't need you ANYMORE!!! I can fit in my bath tub. Everytime I turn around I have to buy new pants. Its awesome!! I have my down moments when I eat something that I thought would be ok and isn't but I am happy. I am glad I did what I did. I wouldn't go back.

I got my drain out today. I was so nervous. Geez I thought I was shaking in the chair. My surgeon said most ppl are just uncomfortable he took mine out and I just started seeing pretty colors and the room kept getting less clear and i couldn't hear and my mom and my surgeon where getting less and less visable. I just started sipping water and closing my eyes. I thought I was dying im like this is it. My worst nightmare. I'm going to die right here and have time to do what I want to do. It was like that for 7 mins. Then it started to get better. So after 6 oz. of water and a lot of slow breathing I came back. It scared the shit out of me. I cried afterwards b/c I had been so scared. I had talked myself into that is wasn't going to be so bad and it was the worst. I couldn't believe it. I finally got to go home after I was calm and alert. But I couldn't believe what happend. Well I'm going to go do my fave take a shower. I hate those they take so much out of me. But so far im down 24 lbs. YAY!!

I am so glad 2 be home. I enjoyed the hospital b/c they had the pain killers but its so nice to be home. Everything we so smoothly. I was really nervous but all the nurses and everyone made me feel at ease. I had a really rough first few hours till the groggyness from the anesthesia wore off. The first nurse I had was my favorite her name was Stacey. She was amazing, funny and cheerful. I had a lot of visitors the first afternoon. I wasn't awake for most of it but I was glad they came. I got a lot of flowers. I got two dozen roses from my gf she is amazing like that. I got a yellow rose bush from my aunt, uncle and cousins, I also got flowers from my friends and my dad brought me back a simba b/c he was in orlando during my surgery. It has been the worst pain I have ever experienced but it is all worth it. I am so happy to be on my way to my new life. Well I'm going to go zone out for a while. Write more later.