Dear Christine:

I miss you.  You never know what you had until it's gone, and for me, that was my friendship with you.  I didn't realize how much I cared until you weren't there anymore.  I was devastated by your death.  Tears well up whenever I think of what happened or hear 'your' song.  I think of you daily.  I either see something that reminds me of you or something we did, or I wear something of yours.  Sometimes, it's just a flash of "Chris would've loved that!"  I can't believe it's been 2 years since I've heard your laughter.

I saw your mom the other day for the first time since your funeral.  It was wonderful to see her.  I could see your face in hers and it made me smile but sad.  She misses you so much.  I envied you for having such a loving mother and I still do.  She's a wonderful person and I'm glad I still have that connection to you through her.  She doesn't replace you, but helps to keep your spirit and memory alive for me.  To remind me that it was you who lead me down this path to health.  A journey that I now take for both of us.

It's so unfair, Chris.  You should be here with me, sharing protein shake recipes and badgering each other to get our daily water intakes in.  I can see you Chris.  I can see what you would be now had you lived.  2 years out from surgery, you would have been half your size and so happy.  I know it.  I feel it.  Because I'm living it.  It's only been a year out for me, but the changes are there that you should have had the chance to have.  I feel guilty for surviving.  I know it's not rational.  I know you would be happy for me.  But my happiness is bittersweet.

You will always be a part of my life.  My journey is yours now Christine.  It will always be so.  I will never forget what lead me to this place and will always remember the sacrifice you made in the name of better health.  I light a candle in your memory.  Both virtually and in real life today.  This is your day Christine.  Today and for always.  I hope that one day, we will see each other again, and I can tell you what a difference you made in my life.  I hope you see me Christine.  I hope you are my guardian angel now.  I want to believe that.  Yes, me, the staunch atheist, wants to believe in angels.

I hope you are at peace.  Please be in peace.  I cannot think of you being truly gone and will not let your spirit die.  Your life mattered, my friend.  You made a difference.

Love,

Mallory