So on Thursday I got some good and bad news. For the last 1 1/2 years, I have been attending a Community College to finish my undergrad coursework in the hopes of transferring to a University and finishing my degree and then going on to law school. Fortunately, I have completed enough units at a community college for the last year and half to transfer to a University soon. So, I applied last year to the University of my #1 choice and waited for Fall Semester grades from my Community College and sent my transcripts over to the prospective school that I had applied to. Everything was going smoothly and I really wanted to start U in Spring 2012 (February). One thing though is that before I entered the CC to finish my general ed units, I went to a College fresh out of High School and bombed out miserably. It was a culture shock and the first time I had been away from home so at the end of the year, I dropped out and took a break from school. Luckily, a few years later I went back to college full-time at a Community College while working full-time in order to finish my degree. Fast forward to this year and I have finished all of my credits at this community college, so I applied for acceptance to a University I have loved and been eyeing for 2 years now. I called them on Friday because it seemed to be taking them longer than usual to go over my application which they told me once they received my transcripts, I would be accepted in about 2-3 days. I had already gone to the U for an informal advising where they look at all your past schools and units etc. and judge whether you'll be a good fit for the school. That session went off without a hitch and they were excited to have me become a student soon. Well that dream turned awfully wrong but in perspective in a good way. So I call the U on Friday and they kept transferring my call. Finally the Director of Admissions gets on the phone and I hear the word "UNFORTUNATELY" thats when I froze. Basically, they can't accept me! I was dumfounded. My current GPA is very good but when they factored the old College I went to straight out of HS, it lowered my GPA below the accpeted standard for the University requirements. So bottom line, they couldn't accept me at this point but said they are glad to accept me when I get my GPA up .20 points. Can you believe it? I was only .20 away from the GPA requirement and only because my old ass College grades came back to haunt me. It was so unfair considering I was on the Dean's List at my current school and I have worked my ass of. Now I need to do another semester of about 2 bullshit classes to get my GPA up slightly. I was crying to my mom and aunt about it and they reminded me about something important. They told me that maybe this was meant to happen because I am meant to get my surgery soon, in March or April. They said this was a sign from above that I was meant to change into a better person and that God knows I need to be focused on just my weight right now and not cloud my attention with starting a U and beginning upper-level courses. At least the 2 classes I have to do at my CC are lower-division electives that I am doing online, so it won't be at all stressful during the time I should be focusing most of my energy on my weight loss. What do you all think? After taking everything in, I think it's a sign that my dream is coming true soon! This way I can start college as a normal-sized person and not have to worry about the fears that go along with being fat in College... 

I can't eat anything anymore without this terrible sense of guilt over me. I know in my heart that this is my moment, that 2012 is my year to finally reach my dream of getting RNY GB. I am definitely a food addict and should have been dieting regularly for the past 6 months but I am human and I have had slip ups. I am hungry right now, physically and although I really want to eat a breakfast burrito I have this horrible feeling over me called GUILT. I prayed last night for Jesus to give me strength to lose this weight and I think this horrendous guilt I am feeling is helping me at every meal. I want a burrito but I need fruit and some oatmeal. I refuse to do this to myself any longer. Today is the day I change for good. Not only that but being called a "fat bitch" by your soon-to-be EX-husband helps with the way you look at food too. LOL! On to bigger and better things for me...in more ways than one! XOXOXO

So tomorrow I officially have 20 days to lose 20 pounds. Well if I can get at least 15 pounds down, I will be a happy lady. I need to do this by February 10, 2012 in order to have my surgeon finally submit authorization for approval of my RNY. I am taking it easy today as far as eating goes and yesterday I ate very light as well. But tomorrow, I am starting a "soft" diet. I am planning to drink protein shakes and eat only full liquids and soft foods like creamy soups, mashed vegetables/potatoes, yogurt, broths, jello, popsicles, etc. I want to do this to jumpstart my weight loss and definitely to get that weight loss going. This is my last stab at it. If I don't lose this required pre-op weight and my surgeon decides to reschedule my pre-op appointment again in order to give me more time to lose it, then regretfully I feel like I am going to give up on trying to get the RNY. So please, keep me in your prayers everyone and please pray that I lose at least 1/2 if not more of this weight. Thank you! 

So for the past two days I have been feeling terrified. I have this little countdown ticker on my Home Screen when I unlock my Android and everyday it ticks down to the proposed week of surgery. I don't know the date for sure yet but to think surgery could be as soon as 68 days away really scares me. I have waited almost 2 years for this and finally its becoming too real for me. I keep freaking out about going under and what if I wake up during surgery but I stay paralyzed? I am so frightened so I started praying because these bad thoughs came to my mind that maybe I would never be ready to do this surgery. So I started praying and went on YouTube cuz I was bored. I started searching Gastric Bypass Anesthesia and I ended up finding this random girl's YouTube channel and her WLS transformation. She was also afraid of the same things I am right now but it really gave me hope that she still went through with it and turned out more than fine! This girl looks so good now because of all the weight loss and reminded me a lot of myself. I really took finding her videos as a sign that this RNY is meant to be for me. I really teared up and started to have this sense of calm and carefree feelings over me. I really don't know why but now I feel much better about the whole anxiety I was feeling and just know that 2012 is my year, the year for my life to take a total turnaround in the best way. XOXO.