Changes, new viewpoints and Life!!!

Sep 29, 2011

So It's been quite some time since I last updated here! havent had a computer! Lots of stuff going on in life, lots of changes! April 1st my husband had RNY and has done remarkable! Other than a stricture he was complication free and recovered VERY well! He had to really adjust to slowing down and making sure he chewed his food well. I think we get so used to just shoveling food in and not even really tasting what we're eating. Those habits tend to be hard to break! He's now down 100 lbs and I'm so proud of him and everything he's accomplished! Making the choice to get healthy has been the best choice we've made together.
For me it was VERY different seeing him go through surgery! I'm so used to being the patient and him always taking care of me! I wasn't sure how I would respond to that role switching! It was to say the least very difficult but I know it's something I had to experience! Waiting for him to come out of surgery was hard, thank God I had two very good friends there to keep me as calm as possible! I thought I'd be ok and for the most part I was....until they brought him into his room!!! WOW, I wasn't expecting to react the way I did to seeing him white as the sheets on the bed, helpless, and barely awake! They assured me he was fine but my mind went to instant worry! He's never been through surgery before so I didn't know how it would affect him. He got sick and was throwing up mucus and some old blood which scared me even more! Even in this state he was trying to get me to go to the hall so I didn't have to see him throw up because he knows I have a weak stomach. I'll admit it, seeing him like this when for the last 8+ years he's always been the strong one so to see him vulnerable and weak broke my heart! There were several times I had to leave the room because I didn't want him to see me so upset. I finally realized how he's felt for so many years as he's watched me go through so much medically! I finally got how helpless he feels when he sees me hurting and helpless! It's hard to watch the person you love most go through that! Makes you want to take away their pain and fix them! It was something I needed to experience!
As the frist night went on his color became more normal and he was more awake and starting to get back to his sarcastic self! He rebounded very quickly and wasn't in to much pain!
After things settled and he came home and began recovery I had just passed my one year mark and decided to talk to my Dr. about our goal of trying to get pregnant! My husband and I had talked about it for a while and we've wanted to become parents for many years but because of my weight, PCOS, and fertility issues I was told it would probably never happen! One of my main reasons for having weight loss surgery was to be able to have children! It wasn't just something we could do without much thought! I have to deal with a lot of medical issues and mental health issues that complicBate things and the choice to get pregnant wasn't going to be an easy one! Once I talked to my surgeon and had his ok to go ahead and start trying I had to discuss with my other Drs about the safest way to go about this. I was on serious psych meds that I had to get off of BEFORE getting pregnant. It wouldn't be safe to get pregnant then come off the meds as that would more than likely cause a spiral and wouldn't be safe for me or baby! So I made the choice to wean off of most of the psych meds I was taking. I was left on the antidepressant and the anxiety medications for the time being.
I've learned that even the best laid plans sometimes just don't go the way you think they should/will! We try so hard to have control over a situation, trying to make it happen when we want it to happen and make it the way we want it to be! Ummm....life doesn't work like that! Our plans mean nothing in the grand scheme of life! I've realized that God's plans are always bigger than my own and don't always happen when I think they should! I got into tracking my cycles, making sure I timed everything right and it became stressful and every negative test would break my heart and it would make me feel like a failure! I began to wonder why I should expect anything more than what I've gotten for years! Old negative self talk kicked in and really messed with my head! I love that I have people in my life who will bring me back into reality and get me to see things in a different way. I decided that we shouldn't try so hard to make something happen and just let things be what they are! I had gotten to a place where I HATED with every fiber of my being, taking a pregnancy test! I was thinking why waste the money because every time I got one, one of two things would ALWAYS happen! Either it would be negative or my period would start so I put it off as long as I could because it was just that awful! 
Woke up one morning and hung my head as a moped my way to the bathroom, did what I had to do and waited for the obvious! As I washed my hands I glanced over and to my amazement I saw TWO very clear lines!! I just stood there waiting for one to go away then screamed for my husband! Poor guy thought I was hurt so he comes running down the stairs and all I could say was "what is that?" pointing to the bathroom counter! Both of us were speechless and I don't think it really set in. We were about to leave and I remember a friend asking me if I was ok because he said I looked like someone had just given me the most shocking news.....um YEA!! 4 positive pregnancy tests later it started to sink in that this was really happening! 
It's now been 4 1/2 months and things have been very chaotic! I'm high risk because of the blood clot I had after WLS and because of my medical history. I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I had no idea just how hard it was going to be! My first appointment was good. I'll never forget the moment I saw the baby for the first time and in the middle of this little mass was a flickering, then she turned on the sound!! The most amazing sound I've ever heard! At that moment it became very real and my husband was wrapped! We had a scare at 12 weeks with bleeding and weren't sure if baby was going to make it but all turned out fine. Just when I started to relax I get a call telling me that I have a rare blood clotting disorder! It's scary and can be dangerous but I'm glad it was caught and there's something that can be done to ensure I have a healthy pregnancy! I've lost some weight but not to much and have remained the same weight for most of the pregnancy so far. I am battling the self image monster who wants to try to convince me that I'm regaining all the weight I've lost and I'm getting bigger! I have to keep reminding myself...it's baby, not fat!! I think it's something most women who've had WLS and go on to get pregnant deal with! The fear that they'll lose all the progress they made. I wish it wasn't such an issue for so many because it's not healthy! Other than elevated pain, not being able to keep much of anything down and bouts of intense anxiety and depression We're very excited!
WLS has given me my life back, given me the chance to be healthy and given me the greatest gift of all...the chance to become a mother! That alone makes this whole journey worth as I wanted kids for so many years, looking back I can't imagine going through pregnancy being as sick as I was! 450+ lbs with extremely high blood pressure, severe pain, sleep apnea, gerd, headed straight for diabetes and heart disease...there's NO way that would've resulted in a healthy pregnancy or baby! I'm very grateful that I allowed myself the chance to be as healthy as possible before bringing a child into the world! I couldn't take care of myself, how would I have been able to care for an infant?
I look forward to the future and what this journey brings next! It's always interesting and I'm always experiencing things now that I never thought I would be! 

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About Me
Tallahassee, FL
Location
31.9
BMI
RNY
Surgery
03/26/2010
Surgery Date
Sep 29, 2008
Member Since

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