I has been 2 years and 7 months post weight loss surgery (RN). As I drove in to work this morning I could not help but wonder …when did the steering wheel got to be so far from my lap the I have to pull my seat so much closer to it each time .. as a matter of fact the seat could not move any closer this morning and still I was stretching my legs to get to the gas pedals and I am 5'5.5" tall…. I remembered the days that that very same steering wheel cut into my gut …. and I remembered the numerous times yanking at a seat belt in mine or even a friend's car and just holding it in place because it definitely wouldn’t make it all the way to close.
I rubbed my knees remembering my then hurting knees that settled into a dull achy pain that I carried with me all the time 24-7… no need to mention the raw chafing of my inner thighs ... the rubbing so intense it ripped my stockings and made my skin raw and burning and itchy each and every day. I remembered waking in the mornings with my body so stiff I had to drag my feet across the floor for a few minutes before I could really take a step …. I can remember my puffy swollen ankles … the everlasting ankle edema that never really left me but only got worse by the end of the day …. I remember supersizing my shoes at the store to fit the width .... and mostly I remembered dragging myself to work each and every day no matter how bad I felt because I was the caretaker of the family both my husband's kidneys having shut down and setting him off on a course of 8 years of dialysis before being blessed with a kidney transplant as currently we battle with rounds of rejections and amputations …
Through it all I worked … I remembered the shortness of breath and trying to hold my breath so as not to breathe too heavy in an assembly of people upon my arrival and then going into fits of cough because of doing so …..I remember going off to meetings at the main building and trying to keep up with my otherwise trim and fit colleagues who seem to be walking, no running and rushing faster than ever, my lungs hurt sooooooooo bad I could not catch my breath but I kept the pace with them all the while on the inside I was yelling (HOLD UP YOU ARE KILLING ME)...and want to cry when I remember that ... me tagging along barely making it but pressing on ... it breaks my heart when I think about it...
I remember the people who got up out of their seats when I sat next to them on the train heading into the City ... I was perfectly coiffed and dressed and I always took extreme measures with my personal hygiene but my girth did not allow for that to be seen...
I remember the pain of being beaten and abandoned by the ex and being called a fat so and so and out of my name ... I remember being told that I would make a wet dream go bad .. I remember being hurt so bad I had to eat... and keep on eating...
I remember insatiable hunger …. I remember no hunger but the need to eat …. I remember the pleasure of just eating … the comfort of chewing on something … that feeling of never ever being full … I remember aches and pains …. I remember happy moments celebrated with dinners, and luncheons and food …. I remember sad and hurtful moments where I cried or sucked by my tears and comforted myself with food that I swallowed over the lump in my throat … that was me … that was my life … those I the feelings that I can no longer rehash but I still do remember and when I look back I can’t help but keep the focus because it feels soooooooo good where I am at …. I asked for health and mobility and I got it 2 years and 7 months post weight loss surgery … I remember sitting at my desk doing outreach not ever even imagining the possibility of WLS .... feeling ill but moving on .. pressing on... unable to help my insatiable appetite .... chewing and eating felt so good and gave such comfort...
THAT WAS ME THEN....
BUT today I can sit just about anywhere I want and fit in any space that I want and what is more I can stick to my life post WLS and take each day as part of a wonderful transformation and an exhilarating journey that I want to be on for the rest of my life ….
I don't need to tag along anymore ... I can walk along and by far outrun those that walked so fast when I was not able to ... but I won't do that .... because it did not feel good when it happened to me ....
Today, I swim, I run, I jog, I go hot yoga, I dance, I kick box .... the sky is the limit .... because throughout my entire journey I REMEMBER ME THE ONE I STILL AM IN A SMALLER FRAME AND I AM DOING IT IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME .... BECAUSE I ONCE LOST CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND ABUSED MY HEALTH AND THANKS TO MY TOOL I AM BACK ON TRACK OF ME ... AND I LOVE THE FEELING ... OF MY TODAY...
2 years, 7 months and 200 pounds behind me ... I am healthy and I am free .... and I thank my former self that resides very much in me ... I cannot and will not go back because I always bring her into remembrance .... that beautiful fat woman that was tagging along is me .... her deliverance is my release and my deliverance is her release .... I SHALL NEVER EVER FORGET WHERE I CAME FROM ....
REMEMBRANCE ... A VALUABLE TOOL .... TO KEEP ME FOCUSED AND GROUNDED....
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALLOWING ME TO SHARE....
Waiting for Approval
Send Message
Member Card
Block Member
Health Tracker 
Comment by 
Comment by 
