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maryh5's Blog
maryh5's Blog

I've got the bluesssssssss
posted on 12/29/07 6:55 pm
Sitting here on a Saturday night after Christmas...not really feeling a 100 percent...just kind of blah.  Many many reasons why....but I have many many reasons not to feel this way also..but letting myself feel this way tonite...Number one reason I am feeling blue is I feel fat...I have lost over a 100 pounds...prolly weigh right around the 240 mark...and actually was feelign pretty good about that...but seen some pics of me taken over the holiday...OMG, I'm still huge...!!!!!!! I think the fact that I haven't taken real good care of myself over the last few weeks...not exercising...not eating right...hasn't made this thought any better...I get that feeling...of what's the use..I will always be fat...I won't ever get whistled at...at be called too skinny..I'm destined to live my life in fat stores...waaa waa waaa.  Another reason I feel blah...my daughter and family...including my one and only grandchild have been up here since the 19th...from Washington state...They came here on the 20th...left on the mornign of the 25th...so that put them here for about 4-1/2 days...that puts them at the other inlaws for 7 days...!!!!! I'm pissed off...but like always I will just cope with it...with food...or feelign sorry for myself.  Then we have to take my daughter back tomorrow to the inlaws so we can see our granddaughter for maybe 2 hours...providing she is not napping at that time.  I so don't want to go...cuz I'm in a pissy mood...but will go...will put the smile on...and go.  Then my kids were all home for the holidays...plus 2 spouses and one soon to be spouse...I always feel so inadequate when they are here.  I think I do a good job...I think I make good meals...clean what I can...but they always seem to find something...my son-in-law was cleaning my stovetop....it was clean....I know he is anal...but My gosh....leave it be.  My daughter will "suggest" that I do this or that.  I just get so overwhelmed....then my 21 year old son, dropped out of college last year...and has come home to live with us...he has a job, I make him contribute his expense...but the others tell me...You have to make tyler do this....or that....how long are you going to let him live here....blah blah blah....I just bite my tongue...I would do this for any of them...Tyler has only been doign this a half a year...its not been a lifetime....It just all these inadequacies coming back to me....I just want to scream and go drive off somewhere...and stay for a couple of days.  Then I get in my car and my daughter is with me...she goes mom, you really need to take the car in this spring and have someone detail clean it...sure I will admit its not like its brand new...but it looks fine...but its back to her anal hubby who is anal about his fricking cars...but once again I get the heat of the inadaquecies...Its gotten to a point I want them all to leave.  I'm tired...I don't want to go tomorrow....I do want to see my grandbaby before they go away for 3 months...but I'm pissed off.  I have the feelign I have reached my breaking point and will let someone have it.  Goodnight


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