find happiness, even if it hurts sometimes

 My name is Mary. I'm 42 years old and the mother of 3 children, Brian 23, Rachael 16, Jamie 13. My story is probably pretty similiar to most people, but I'll tell it anyways.

The first time I ever became aware that eating was an issue was when I was very young. I was really shy and didn't have many friends. One day a girl from my class invited me to her house. During lunch she did not eat all of her cut up hot dog. She asked if I wanted it, I said yes and proceeded to finish it, after which time her mother said "with you around we don't need a garbage disposal." That was the first time I became embarrassed of myself and my eating, and I was a SKINNY child! I learned then that it is socially unacceptable to eat too much and would later contribute to my secret binge eating, I'm certain.

When puberty began, it hit with a vengence. I was 10 years old. The school nurse was shocked to see that I'd gone from 90 lbs to 120lbs in one year, by 8th grade I was 155 lbs. I started to come out of my shell and make friends by the end of grade school. I even made the cheerleading squad. I was conscience everyday that I was heavier and bustier than everyone else, but I allowed myself to enjoy life anyways.

The summer before 9th grade I decided it was time to lose weight. I started something I secretly called "constant motion", in which I tried to make sure I was moving all the time, whether it was pacing or rocking back and forth, or all out dancing and exercising in my basement.It worked. I started high school at 140 lbs.

I got my first boyfriend in 10th grade and had my heart broke 10 months later, after which my weight plummeted to 117lbs. At 5'6, I was very thin. When school started after summer break, all anyone talked about was how thin i was. A teacher even had me stand so everyone could see how much weight I'd lost over the summer. Weight loss=Attention   Attention was good. I was hooked!!

Of course, heartbreak doesn't last forever and I started to gain weight back. By 125lbs, I started to panic. Then comes the diet pills, and eventually the purging, laxatives, vomiting and starvation. This would go on for years. When I became pregnant with my son, I stopped the purging, but continued the binging, gaining 50 lbs. After his birth the bulima grew out of control, until I was afraid to go anywhere because of panic attacks brought on by almost constant diarrhea due to laxative abuse. My binging was frightening. Before my surgery, I swear I could have won an eating contest easily, I could eat such enormous amounts of food.

This went on until I met my first husband. I fell in love and lost a ton of weight. We got married with me weighing 125. I stayed wtihin 10 lbs of that weight for 4 years until the birth of our last daughter. I weighed 160. Then all the years of him cheating on me came to a head, and my marriage ended. I gained 20 lbs. Then I quit smoking, gained 50 lbs. I quit my job, went to school, at 38 years old, and with stress continued to gain. Then my beautiful sister Kelly passed away. I ballooned to 250.

Since 2002, I have gone up and down the scale 50 lbs several times. When I met my current husband in 2004, I weigh 205. When we married in 2006 I weighed 220. No matter what I did I couldn't stop the weight from coming back on. I was mortified and hated myself. My husband, Tom, had RNY in 2004 when we had just met. He never pushed me to have it and always told me he thought I was beautiful, even when I ballooned again to 256 and hated myself. I was grateful that he loved me, but I knew that I had to love myself or I'd never be happy or at peace. He has been supportive though my journey.