April 26, 2005
This is kinda strange for me to be on here posting my thoughts and feelings, but I need some sort of an outlet and the fact that lots of people on this site had the surgery is really encouraging. I spoke to my cousin late night yesterday or shall I say this morning lol and I informed her of my plans.. she loves me very much.. and said she will support me in whatever I chose but she made some very valid points.. she said that I will be cut up for no reason at all.. I mean I am not sick.. I don't need emergency surgery for anything.. she said there is no need to undergo such massive surgery .. she claimed she had once thought of surgery herself but changed her mind because she wasnt willing to perminantly change the way her body works.. Im just getting scared because I am going to meet with a surgen and now im thinking that maybe I could still do this by myself.. has anyone ever felt like this? I mean I look at all the before and after pictures and I want to be an after.. im scared.
April 28, 2005
Well since I have been doing my research (when I should be writting Insurance Policies at work lol) I realized that I need to quit smoking if I am even going to consider this surgery as an option for me.. So yesterday I only had one smoke while I was out having coffee with my cousin.. I mean yea I cracked..but one as opposed to what I was smoking is excellent.. Today I will try to smoke none! My last cig was very un ceramonial.. it was with my bf outside of work..when he came to visit me... I can do this.. i need to quit surgery or not.. on with my ramble I dont actually know how much I really weigh because I am scared to death.. but I have to know because once I know the truth I will no longer be in denial and I can take action!
ps I have been reading many journals today and they are so inspiring.. THANK YOU!
April 29, 2005
Well I made my frist huge step and I am petrified! I called the medical center where the doctor I would like to perform my procedure performs surgeries at and added my name to the list of people who will come to the new patient orientation... they will discuss further what this procedure entails.. and the like.. I am so scared because this means I am actually taking steps towards the surgery and it blows my mind because I hate doctors lol.. I hate hospitals most of all... but I hate being fat more... My mom has been the most supportive and I am so shocked cconsidering our relationship has been rocky.. but we are getting much closer lately and I am so happy that my family is supportive because that is half the battle (a good support network) So my mother is going on my behalf to my doctor to get my referal. Why? because i am 2 ashamed of all the weight I gained... but thats ok.. I can do this no mater what path I take.. PS: 2 days smoke free!!!!
I know I don't have a picture up yet, but I would really love for someone to be my Angel because I am so scared and no1 I know personally has been through what I am doing.
May 2, 2005
Hello to anyone who stumbled across my page! Today is a day full of mixed emotions because I scheduled a consultation with a surgeon that I have been hearing wonderful reviews about. She is the only woman certified in Gastric Bypass in New Jersey and she is one of the best doctors (Russian.. like me hee hee). I kinda feel like a failure because people keep saying well if you can't control yourself maybe surgery is indeed the best option. It is not that I can't control myself it is just that I want to end my life long battle for good! I dunno.. I smoked this weekend with my cousin.. I love her so much, but she is such a bad influence on me.. I always smoke or eat around her and stay out late..I know it's my fault because I can say NO.. all .. I wanna be healthy and I will be healthy and this consultation is my first step.. so JUNE 10th 10:15am it is!
May 3, 2005
Yesterday my got my PCP to give me a referal and she suggests Dr.Bertha. She says he is the best of the best.. and well I hope so lol. I cancelled my old apt and made one with him on June 8th @ 10:30am. Thats acually not bad since I am goin to the new patient seminar on May 26, 2005.. this will give me some time before my consulation to look over all the information.. My Dr. told my mother she doesn't see me losing weight anyother way and I am so scared that something will go wrong...but oh god I want to be healthy.. and for my knee and ankle to stop hurting! I know they will and I know that I will be ok even though this will be very tough for me. Sometimes I wonder why I would want to cut myself up and rearange my insides just to be thin, but then I realize that thats not that case.. i feel i have to do it to lose 200lbs for good! perminantly! I am so lucky to have such a support system around me: my mom, my aunt, my grandma , (my cousin will come around), my boyfriend and my friends! Wish me luck.. I cant wait to be a post-op and losing!
May 10, 2005
Hello to whomever stumbled across my page. So as far as quiting smoking..uh... Yeah so ima try it again after this pack.. I have to! I had a heart to heart with my aunt and my mom and we all agree that i will be fine if I do this. im not gonna die etc. But i am sure you all understand my concerns. I have been having second thoughts, but I know I need this. With this tool I will be able to reach my goal and stay there. So tired of being of fat.
To help me stay focussed on my decision here are some things I would love to do when I am at goal. They are simple but very much wanted:
to be able to shop at any store.. to be able to express my personal style and not be forced to have Lane Bryant or Ashley Stewart determine my style for me!
to not fear any booth at resturants!
I hate flying..but to be able to comfortably sit in an airplane and cofortably buckle my seatbelt.
to be able to do any sexual possition that I please (hey..its true... variety is the spice of life!)
to not lose my breath running to catch a bus or train.. or going up a flight of stairs.
to have my personality match my appearance
to make my ankles stop hurting! This is a recent thing for me and a big reason as to why I am looking into surgery. Its the first sign that my body and health are diminishing.
Not to be embarrised (sp?) to see old friends that I haven't seen in a long time.
to feel sexy again
Cant wait till May 26 for the seminar!
May 30, 2005
Hello all! It has been a long time (for me) since I updated.. since I can only do so at work (teehee). Time for a reality check: i have not yet quit smoking... will quit once and for all JUNE 1, 2005 because I need to be at least 6 weeks smoke free.. from what I read on the messege boards today! AND i WILL DO THIS! I WANT TO! anyways lol...
I went to the seminar with my very supporting mother (God Bless Her Soul). First and most unimportantly the fat men where all hitting on me lol telling me how hot i will be after the surgery.. i was like.. uh... thanks creepy old man...but anyways... This seminar was informative, but I knew everything before I even got there (im impressed with myself lol). The speaker talked about various surgeries, but focused on the Lap band and RNY. He passed the Lap Band around and had an answer and question period. A woman with the lap band and one who has had RNY came and shared their experiance. The woman with the RNY began to cry and told us that she never knew how depressed she was until she had the surgery. I am not surprised I heard that the more you lose the more you learn about yourself.
The Doctors came to the orientation as well and were very pleasent. My doctor (the one I have the consult with) was there and I introduced myself to him. He's Kinda cute.. short.. but so am I :) He knew what he was talking about.. and was very to the point, but pleasant as well. He directed to me where I can sign up to schedule my nutritionist visit and my psych evaluation. Both cost a bunch.. the Nutritionist is 300 sumthing and the psych 200 sumthing...Thank God I have a supportive family who loves me and supports me in effort to better myself. Well I have to fill out all the info that they gave me in a folder at the Orientation and the next step in my journey is June 8th 2005 .. I will have the following things done that day:
1.) Blood work
4.) Psych Evaluation
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew thats a lot.
Then on June 9th, 2005 I Have an appiontment with my PCP to get everything I need from her!
Damn! I usually hate doctors, but this time I will let them do what they do best.. save my life
June 9, 2005
Well I have a date!!! July 11, 2005!!! That is in about a month and I am freaking out to say the least.. not the good freak out..but the "oh my god what am I doing kind". I went for my consultation yesterday as well as my nutritionist appt. my psych evaluation and my blood work. My mother and my cousin Yana were kind enough to come with me. I am soooo lucky to have such people around me. This is unconditional love and I am truly blessed...anyways.. I will break it down for ya'll as far as what happened:
I stopped eating at 7pm yesterday. got called to have my blood taken at lab corp. They lady saw my perscription for the blood work and knew why I was there. I told her i was nervous.. she told me that Dr. Abkin and Dr. Bertha are the best in NJ and that I shouldn't worry she sees people who have had it by them all the time and they look great.
I was told to step on a scale: it read 319
The assistant took my blood pressure and it was "perfect" (his own words).
Then i waited... a long time then was taken into my examination room.
I waited.. but glad to do so because Dr. Bertha is one of the best surgeons in NJ for this procedure. I would rather wait then be rushed off into the operation.
He asked which surgery I wanted and why. He felt around my stomache and told me to caugh. He told me I had the perfect body for this surgery because I don't have as much fat on top as I do on the bottom and he can do it Lap. I asked my questions.. he told me not to smoke.. if you smoke all the complications are multiplied by 10 times.. AHHH! I quit 2 days ago.
I went to the nutritionist..l she told me what to eat pre and post op ... very nice girl
I then went to my psych evaluation... loooong. I then had to take a 344 question test. Very boring and repetative to make sure you aren't suacidal or crazy.
Then I went back to Dr. Bertha's office and a guy scheduled my date for me!! I was like dont i need more tests.. they told me no because I am healthy.
Today I told my manager and human resources and oh my god this is a reality.. SCARY
next step: Jun 29, 2005- pre op class 3.5 hours
October 21, 2005
everyday i wake up and i am in shock..even now at a little over 3 months out.. I am in shock that I took this drastic step at age 23.. not knowing how I will live lets say 50 years from now as a result.. but I am grateful..every minute of every hour of everyday.. I have "only" lost 66 lbs so far... 57 since surgery and my life has changed drastically.. i didn't even realize how depressed I was at 5'2 and 320 lbs...seeing my own reflection in a shop window would sadden me.. but i tried to keep my head up.. my risks were high since my BMI was over 50..my family and friends were scared.. but they understood... and supported me the whole way through and still do...I have tried everyother method of weight loss... I was tired of being tired.. of being fat.. of my feet hurting.. I would do this surgery again in a heart beat..I would have the drain hang out of my drain site.. and excruciating pain every time it had to be emptied...I would feel the immense immobilizing pain i felt once I opened my eyes...i would walk around my dinning room table in my nightgown..hair not brushed for days... drain site leaking..praying to god that I didn't make the wrong choice..because I have never experienced pain like this before.. maybe i say this because I have no complications... but recovery was hard... I am rambling.. but all I know is that.. I am one lucky fat chick to have had the chance to have this surgery... to get a chance at a life I always looked at from an outsiders perspective.. sure I had friends.. sure I had fun.. sure I had a boyfriend.. but only until now do I realize that I wasn't really living but going through the motions of living... at 23 years old!!! I was accepted by my loved ones.. and did not do this to seek approval.. but for the very first time in my 23 years of existence.. i said NO MORE! I said NO to obesity! I said NO to pleasing anyone but me.. I for the first time decided to lose weight..not just weight... but ALL my weight.. all 190 lbs of them.. and for the first time ever.. i see it as a reality not just talk.. to anyone reading this and debating on surgery.. I will not tell you to run and do it.. but I will tell you to weigh your options.. look for a very skilled surgeon...and if the rewards of surgery weigh more then the risks.. then by all means.. go ahead and change your life.. I am certainly glad I did
November 29, 2005
So here I sit at my desk at work before I start my day as a corporate whore for a lovely insurancce company.. I am compelled to post. I am now 17.5 weeks post-op and I have lost 82 pounds! Thats right ladies and gentlemen who have stumbled across my page. I started at 320 lbs at 5'2 and here I sit at 238... I can almost taste 100 lbs.. I bet it tastes sweet.. it probably tastes like nothing I ever savored before. Sure I am still fat.. but way out of the 300's and feeling pretty damn good about the new me! Now yes the surgery made my stomache small.. Yes I can't shove food endlessly down my throat anymore..but it is still hard work... Everyday I constantly think about what I ate..how much I drank.. did I take my vitamins??? I excersize and try to stay the path.. this path is not easy.. I battle my food addiction everyday... When I get into a fight with my mother..or my boyfriend..or for whatever other stressful reason..I feel the urge to eat.. but I have to control myself..because it was exactly that train of thought that got me into this mess in the first place.. and even when I start feeling depressed.. I have to not forget about me...I go to my support group every month..because I want to "cure" myself.. I never want to be fat again.. and I can't just supress the symptoms I have to cure my disease... this disease that ate away at me for 23 years!!!..recently the media has been talking about all the negatives of gastric bypass and basically implying that this surgery is barbaric... I honestly can see their point.. it is kinda barbaric to slice your stomache into 2 sections.. then travel 100-150 cm down the small intestine.. slice that... then reconnect the intestine to the new stomache etc..to the outsider this is just plain CRAZYNESS!!!!!! To the average size person this is LUDACRIS!!!!!! but to someone who has been trapped in an obese body their whole life.. losing weight on occations.. not enough to really be normal..but enough to get a small taste.. only to regain..plus more..only to start this crazyness all over again it stops being so crazy and turns into a light at the end of the tunnel. When I look in the mirror I am proud of myself and my decision and I wish this for every person fat or thin.
DECEMBER 15, 2005
Today is my 24th birthday and I sit here at work in my new SKIRT and a new sweater with some new boots.. all to fit .. well the new me!! I now wear a size 18 jean.. I was a tight 28 pre-op.. and let me tell you I feel great!!! My aunt took me shopping on my lunch break yesterday to help me spend my birthday money from my grandma and her.. I baught 2 pairs of size 18 jeans.. a pink sweatshirt, the skirt I am wearing.. the boots I am wearing and we will be back today for accessories! AND my mother and father bought me contacts! a whole yr supply!!! I am so so lucky to have such a supportive family. I am so happy today.. I am meeting Yana (my dear cousin) today after work.. just me and her I am so excited! Then I get to go home to my apartment where my loving boyfriend will greet me with his surprise ( I gave him my keys) then I took tomorrow off from work as a gift to myself!! THEN on Saterday I will go to get my nails done with Yana (my mom's treat) then a family lunch.. then my 2 cousin's Yana and Mike and some of my friends will head to Hoboken to party.. then back to my place! I am so excited to be surrounded by all these people who love me very much!! I AM ONE LUCKY GIRL! This time last year I was over 300 lbs and could not have even fathomed an 87 lb loss!!! thats right.. I have lost 87 lbs total since june 8th 2005 and 78 since surgery! not bad if I do say so myself. I mean I have days like everyone else and I wish that I could have lost more.. or been a smaller size..but then I snap back to reality that i am only 13 lbs away from a 100 lb loss and what more could I ask for?! I will not be gready but be greatful that i have this wonderful tool to help me with my (winning) battle. I hope everyone has a great day and stays positive!! god bless everyone on this journey.. its one hell of a ride!
JANUARY 9, 2005
Hello to my fellow travelers,
Today I am 225 lbs... that is a loss of 95 lbs. I had to lose 190 lbs to reach my goal and now I am at my half way point. The feeling of accomplishment and self worth that fills my entire body is undescribable by words. Today I went to a store and tried on a pair of size 15/16 jeans and.... they fit.. this blows my mind... I had no idea they would fit.. I couldn't even imagine! I will be 6 months out on Wednesday and looking back at the begining part of my journey.. it flew by.. I knew I would lose the weight..I just couldn't actually imagine it happening... if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like the same old me.. but most of the time I feel like a new person... sometimes I do not even recognize my own reflection in a store window.. sometimes i stand in front of the bathroom mirror feeling on my collar bones.. or smiling.. because the new dimples amaze me.. my chin comes to a point.. my shoulders are shaped like a womans... My co-workers come up to me and say I am getting skinny.. and I am so happy and so over whelmed all at the same time!! I was at a family friend's house the other day and she told me she did not know who she was speaking to.. I have changed so much inside and out that it was as if we never met before... I don't see myself changing.. as far as my actions go and such.. but I believe her.. how can one lose 95 lbs and go from a 28 to a 15/16 and not change from the inside out. I look forward to more changes.. and I wish everyone on this journey the best of luck on their road to self discovery.. because if you think about it.. that is exactly what we are doing.. discovering ourselves.. a body.. a personality.. a life.. hidden under layers and layers of fat.
January 25, 2006!!
MARCH 7, 2006
I am sitting here with my daily cup of coffee (full caffeine please!) with a splash of half and half.. tastes marvelous! I have 3 inch heals on gray work pants and a silk button down blouse. My nails are done.. my engagement ring on my finger (Yes folks im engaged.. almost a month now).. my makeup is done and so is my hair.. and life for me after surgery is well.. just like life for everyone else..never thought id see the day...why am i telling you all of this.. because this past weekend it hit me.. like a mac truck.. I was like a deer in headlights... too shocked to run away.. I have lost 109 lbs .. with 80 more lbs to go... almost there.. I lost a skinny b*tch lol.. I was at the water cooler.. getting myself...well water and some coffee and a co-worker looked me up and down and asked me why I wear such large clothes.. I got slightly offended I must admit.. but I looked her in the eye and told her I have no money for new clothes.. How could I explain to her why I still wore my size 24 .. even 28 pants on my ..dare I say size 14 frame.. how could she possibly understand that my head has not yet caught up with my body and sometimes.. on certain days.. I still trully feel like a size 28.. or a size 24.. but certainly not a size 14.. a 14 who woulda thought?? I called up my mother and told her of my co-workers comment.. she proceeded to agree with my co-worker..trying to desperatly explain to me that i am no longer a large person.. granted I am not a small one either..but all in due time.. she told me she understands my financial situation and will buy me a couple of pairs of work pants and give me some of her work shirts ( I am so lucky to have such support!)... I accepted the offer.. So..lets forward to Sunday March 5, 2006.. I was in my old room at my parents house and my mother took out the pants she had bought me for work.. all a size 14.. with one coroduroy pair of pants in a size 16..fast forward.. i put the pants on.. slid right on... no trouble buttoning... i easily buttoned up her shirt.. slid into my 3 inch heals and looked in the mirror.... I looked closer.. i turned around.... i felt my body to make sure it was mine..I did not recognize the woman staring back at me.. I don't know her... who the F*CK is she??!!! this is certainly not how I saw myself.. I looked dare I say..good.. very good... I had never looked this way in work clothes before... and it hit me.. I am not morbidly obese.. i tried on the other 2 pairs of pants.. and an A LINE SKIRT!.. all looked real nice.. I was looking at myself in window reflections on the way to work.. I took breaks from workk just to go and look at myself in the mirror of our womens room.. narsasistic much huh? lol I was on the subway going to my cousins.. and i was standing.. in heals ( see a pattern) and wanted a seat considering her stop is the second to last one on the line.. I saw 2 men sitting down.. legs spread lounging around.. i did something I have never done before.. for fear of embarisment.. I asked them to move over.. and they did... and I fit into the spot they made... i have issues.. I didn't think I would fit..but I did.. I didn't think I would fit the pants..but I did.. I DID... I DID.. I FREAKIN DID... men look at me now.. some women at work dislike me now... but me?? I am just starting to get to know myself now... I was detached from my body for so long.. so disconnected with it... and now.. I am trying to reconnect.. I am trying to realize that this is me... and I will get even smaller.. and I am not longer freakishly fat.. and the day will come when I will know the woman in the mirror.. because right now.. we are strangers.. and its scary and exciting.. and I look forward to getting to know her...
June 5, 2005
I am the BLONE one @ my Sorority sister's Wedding! I am sunburnt here and VERY hot haha
This is me ( I am in the middle weighing in at around 218 lbs ) I am 211 as of today! 3/8/2006 . I am with my cousin Yana (left) and best friend from HS Jenn (right). The are both SOOO supportive :)
APRIL 7, 2006
I haven't posted in a long time.. and it seems unfair to those that come to my page for support, like I used to do as a Pre-Op.. and still do now as an almost 9month Post-Op. First let me say that I have been very reflective lately because I have been going through some very rough times in my personal life.. the roughest so far in my 24 years of existence,, with that said.. I have been feeling very lucky.. i am as of this morning 203 lbs (I can smell the 100's).. I have lost 117 lbs in almost 9 months and I have a feeling that by April 9, 2006 I will be under 200.. and will have lost over 120 lbs.. but I don't want to Jinx myself... I received the latest issue of Obesity help and read an article about a very brave man by the name of John Ott I think.. he was an obese man trying to change his life for the better.. but unfortunately never made it out of the hospital after his RNY procedure... It doesn't seem very fair to me.. he had to fight for his surgery.. i received mine a month after my first consultation.. he never made it out... and here I sit (procrastinating at work).. minus 117 lbs.. legs crossed with a shirt on that I bought from express.. updating my profile.. it doesn't seem fair because he would have taken all his vitamins.. and me?? well I have been slacking .. it doesn't seem fair to me that I get to have RNY and lose my weight, while others die trying.. it really makes me think.. it makes me realize how lucky I am.. with all the turmoil in my life right now.. I can still control my weight.. I can achieve my goal.. those reading this that have lost the weight.. or are well on their way... do you ever stop to truly realize how lucky you really are.. I feel that I am a new woman.. my sense of style is changing.. my whole self perception is changing.. and I get to do all of this in my 20's.. 9 months ago I was a completely different person.. I was dyeing.. i didn't realize it.. but now that I know what it is like to live... I wasn't before.. and I am just so grateful.. I am renewing my vow to follow my plan.. because I will not take for granted what many only dream of.. good luck to everyone!