So much has happend from the last time I wrote..! I am down to my goal! I am eating like crap but still losing..I need to do better...Man I suck at this! 
 I feel like I am sabotoging this...Trying to. I need to get back to the beginning and refresh me. The kids well they are hand fuls but whos arent. I am not the best of mothers and could improve..Every week I have a thought about doing more and accomplish it so I guess I am the norm. RIGHT?! My husband and I are great! we had a few times to get away and have and MEN are so forward! they come up to me and say wow you are this or you are that and I clam up. Brian has been so great about letting people know I am his and he is so proud of me..He calls me hot momma!!! I love it and am enjoying his flirty ways twards me. He has really let me know on a  daily basis what he thinks of me! We went out and I got the thought in my head I did not look all that great and all the men where letting me know other wise. I did not like it...GOOD thing I think! My husband let me know I looked awesome and made me feel absolutly beautiful! 
 My dad had a heart attach and I went up to see him and the kids and I and Brian went to Kennywood and had a blast! Got to see my family again and I feel full again.Soon I will have the need to see everyone and have to visit but as for now I am good. 
 Now I have my garden blooming and seeing the fruits of my labor.
 I have more to tell you....Brian has been stepping up and doing more around the house. I think he started to see the frustaration in me about things getting half done and left for me to do...Now all the projects are things he can only do and I am maintaning the house and yardwork and kids so he only has to worry about hte things on a "To do List" I wrote for him. he is doing them to. Wow what a difference I feel when I see him taking it to heart and dooing a little everyday to get it done! Makes me happy. He is doing all of what it takes to keep his end of the marage up for sure.....
 Now as for me I am more critical. I still get down, so down I dont want to do a thing for the whole day! I am not doing my excersises the way I should and maybe that is why I get so down. I need a perpose in life..More so than waking up watching the kids cleaning and doing laundry, doing the garden picking up after everyone, cleaning the pool, yard work."big yard" I want to work..comunicate with others, make some money, work hard at something, Get out from the house from time to time. I cant get a job that works for me...I am a mother who has not worked for 5 years because I did not have to..Now that I should, could and will...Its like nobody wants to hire me...All of my past employers are not to be found....Walmart I used to work at.Not even there! Sony I used to work at.Both line cordinators are no longer emplyed there.The list goes on and on...I need a waitress job...I am a people person and work well with others.But, my husband works a shift of 2:30 pm till 12:00am so it really screws me to get a job that can work with that...I need to break it seems..Its nobody's fault or concern but mine and I feel as though I sink....I am a person who needs to be social and vocal and all I got is time with the husband when he has time and my kids..church on Sundays and Brians family on Sunday.....I feel low and I figured I would just type to find myself.I know what it is I need to do just to get there will take other measures that I can not do or help.....
My goals are
*Work out my body more with a written notice on the calander.
*Drink my 64oz a day of fluids and get in my amaount of protein in a day.
*write more...."it makes me feel better"
*start looking and going out to get a waitress job.
* let my husband read this and see what he says...He comes up with better and great advice.
*do it....

Today I was outside all day! I weeded my strawberries and tilled my garden area. Wow talk about a work out. I need to get my pool done! Timmy is gonna be 9 in April 1..wow my first baby is getting so big! I feel sad today a little. It comes in waves. Keeping so busy though. I called gram today to see how she was doing and it seems as though she is doing better. She is having people stay with her to just get her bearings. I miss everyone already. I have to say when me and the hubby are apart we fight more than we spend time and feel better...WINK anyway things are slowly getting done around here. Its hard but we are doing one thing at a time. to much around here to do.......Man I am so tired latley.I think its stress. Well, done for now.See ya

Well,
I am back from Pensylvania from being at my Pap paps funeral. It was the hardest thing so far to go through. They played taps for him because he was in the Korian war and they also had fireman there because at a young age he was a fireman until he opened up his own trucking company.
  You would not beleive how many people were at the funeral....He was such a great man!
  I got to see so many people that I have not seen since I was a little girl and some I have not seen for a year or two....

Here is the wow moments.....
The people who have not seen me for a year or two were amazed at what I looked like and were going on and on..
The ones who have not seen me since I was little they were telling me things like you are beautiful and such nice things!

Oh I saw this older man........I had a crush on when I was about 13 and he was 19.........We used to go swimming in there pool when my grandparents had us."all the time" anyway I saw his sister and made mention I had a crush on your brother and she was like oh yeah........HE is here!!!! Oh my...Well people were still coming in to the viewing and I was not paying any attention and she came up t me and said Missy...............Look here is "Franky" the guy I said I had a cruch on. Well, he looked just as good but older..........he said Oh my really.......then he asked what I was up to now...I told him I lived in NC and I was happily married with two awesome boys. he said I am happy for you but to bad I would never pass up the oppertunity to ask you out like yesterday..I got all red and felt better for the time being....

Other than it being hard there were positives.......people making me feel better, seeing old  friends, staying with my grandmother who I adore, seeing my brother who flew in from London, having wow moments, laughing with family about great stories about my papap.......

So now I am back but, still grieving. I guess it will take time. Its like I cry thne quit then laugh and go on again.

Thank you for the letters, emails, phone calls and posting in my blog.......IT HELPS!