I'm freaking out a little....

Jan 24, 2012

but hopefully it will pass.  I am so excited to start my new job tomorrow, or today, depending on  your perspective.  I go in at midnight Wednesday and work until 830 am Thursday morning.  Still not sure what my regular shift will be, exactly.  I have tried so hard for so long to find a job, and now I'm totally stressed about how things are going.  

My boys are fighting a lot lately, at ages 14 and 12 pre-adolescent angst and total teenage misery collided again and again this week.  I was ready to pop out my wolverine style claws and slash their little heads off!  Funny how they can be best buddies one day, and ready to kill each other the next.  I am hoping that once I am working they'll be helping each other out around the house and not killing each other!

Got back on the scale again this week, and I'm now down more than 20 pounds from my heaviest weight!  This week has been tough, trying to turn night into day and vice versa has seen me missing meals and forgetting to drink water and never knowing which way is up.  On the plus side, I am tired all the time!  Hopefully I will go to sleep around 730 in the morning on Wednesday and sleep all day, so I am well rested for my first night at work.

Hubby is totally supportive, he is glad to see me back to work, because we need the money, but much more importantly, I think, he has seen that working really helps me to feel less depressed.  When I am working I sleep better, eat less, and have less time to sit around and worry.  The only issue is, he is going out of town next week.  This means that for 3 nights I will be at work and my boys will be at home alone, no adult present.  This is NOT a comfortable feeling for me.  If I were six months into the job it probably wouldn't be such a big deal, but we are just getting ready to establish a new routine, and now it's going to get all messed up.  I think I'll get my dad to come for a visit!

He lives over 400 miles away, and hasn't visited in a while, since the drive is very tough on him.  I'm just hoping he can stay here so I won't have to leave the boys home alone at night....I'm sure that between now and the weekend Bob and I will come up with a solution that works for all of us.  My boys are very immature and I cannot imagine trusting them to wake up and get ready for school and be prepared to catch the carpool in the mornings without adult supervision.  This work thing is going to be more work at home than it is at work!!

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I recently connected with my first ever "best friend".  She was a neighbor of mine growing up, and I haven't seen her in over 35 years.  It was so wonderful to connect with her on FB, and then she sent me a photo from when we were kids:

Melissa age 9



Although the picture quality isn't great, this really was me all those years ago.  So serious!

I am guessing that none of the people who know me know would ever recognize this kid, but this is still how I think of me.  Crazy, huh?

Really hoping for a long and restful sleep before I start the job, I want to make a great impression on my shift supervisor and get off to a great start.

 
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Winter finally arrives...

Jan 21, 2012

here in Pennsylvania!!  I have been hoping for snow since we had a crazy early October snowfall, and finally we have more snow!!  We got about 4 inches of the white stuff today, which means the kids and dogs are all tired out and sleeping quietly now!  


Hubby took the day off yesterday and I forced him to cooperate with me for most of the day.  We organized and cleaned his room, in preparation for a cat adoption later on this winter.  We are adopting a Maine Coon female.  She is a mother, and is currently nursing her last litter of kittens.  We will be adopting her from the breeder after she gets spayed and heals up from the surgery.  I am very excited because she is a real sweetie and also I can't wait to have another pet in the house!

So, by the end of the day Friday we had Bob's room totally rearranged, a cat tower put together and in place, and we even got her litterbox set up (no litter yet, though).  Now we just wait until we get the call that she is ready to come home with us... Hopefully in February.

Our new Cat, Belle (she's ours, just not moved in yet)

"So", you ask," why do you and Bob sleep in separate bedrooms??"  Well, it's a funny story really. When we were first married I was a short and stocky 135 pounds, but this was within a healthy BMI for me, so my weight and health were not so bad.  Bob was a Very Loud Snorer.  At first, I just had to get to sleep before him, and then the snoring wouldn't bother me.  In those days I could sleep through anything.   As the years went by, though, he got louder and louder, and eventually developed apnea.  He would make really loud SNORTs during the night which woke me up.  

I then began to really listen to him and realized that he was having apnea, not just snoring.  By this time I had been sleeping with this combination chain saw and snorting bull for about nine years!  I finally got tired of lying in bed and waking him up so he could breathe, only to be kept awake by the snoring.   I set up a bed in and slept in a separate room and started to nag him about his snoring.  Fast forward a few years and he FINALLY went to the doctor, he immediately got a CPAP device after his sleep study.  

As many of you know, this device is not silent, it hisses.  So, I found that I still couldn't sleep with him, it was too creepy to try to sleep in bed with someone who doesn't have audible breathing.  Plus, that CPAP could shoot morning breath 5 feet easily...

The years rolled by and the pounds packed on my five foot frame, and we continued to sleep apart.  About 9 and 1/2 years ago we moved to our current home in Pennsylvania.  I said, "You know, Bob, we could get one of those Sleep Number beds, and sleep in the same bed again! "   Guess what?  After all those years of my suffering through his snoring, he told me "Sorry honey, your snoring would keep me awake!"  

This, coming from the world champion snorer!  

He did, however suggest that I get a sleep study, since my snoring was so loud, and sure enough I now have my own CPAP in my room!  Maybe someday we can sleep in the same bed, but for now I'm just as happy to retire to my own room, which I share with our two dogs.  They love to sleep in the same room with me, and sometimes they kindly get in my bed to keep me warm.

So, very soon Bob will have Belle, the white Maine Coon Cat as his sleeping buddy, and I will continue to "go to the dogs".

I got some great news yesterday!  I have been hired as a temporary employee at a company that is only 10 minutes from my home!  The pay is not as high as I would like, but I am confident that as the price of gasoline goes up, the pay will seem better and better!  I will be working 3rd shift, and I start Wednesday night, which is 4 nights from now.  The plan is for me to sleep during the day starting on Monday, and hopefully I will be able to make the switch without too much trouble.  I have worked 3rd shift once before and sleeping during the day was no problem.   I will be a temp for at least 3 months, but as soon as I am hired on as a company employee I am going to purchase myself some health insurance and see my surgeon!



This is very exciting for me for many reasons, but mostly because I have been job hunting for so long, and this company is so close to home.  Now all I have to do is work hard and learn a lot so that they will hire me on as a company employee when my 3 month probationary period is over.  I am really looking forward to having a work life, and the boys are certainly ready to have Mom out of their hair.  I hope that I will be awake when they get home from school at 3:30 each afternoon, and that seven hours of sleep plus a nap in the evening will be enough to get me through.  

I am going to miss some things, though, like the luxury of going to lunch with friends and having my days all to myself with no agenda.  Having more money for the family, and getting a surgery date that might be sooner, and covered by insurance, are SOOOOO worth it!!  Another good thing, the dress code is very relaxed, so I don't have to spend money I haven't made yet on clothes.  The jeans and shirts I have now will do just fine!

And so, as I continue on my weight loss journey I also embark on the back to work journey, which I hope gets me closer to my surgery date!  What a relief it was to remove myself from all the "job search" mailing lists I have been on.  
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A crazy day in my life....

Jan 19, 2012

and again with the cold shower!  It started out OK, got Bob and the boys out the door and then went back to sleep, since I had no morning obligations.  Somehow, sleeping during the day is sooooo nice, I love the luxurious feeling of being under the covers when the rest of the family is off at work and school.  The dogs like it too, they are champion nappers.

After ten I got a call inviting me to a second interview at Fluortek, a plastics company nearby.   I interviewed with this company once in 2011 and never got a call back, so now I'm wondering why they are calling me now, and what's up?  I gather up my interview duds and head to the shower only to find..... wait for it......NO Hot Water Again!!! Holy Cow it's way below freezing outside and there's no way I'm taking a cold shower again today.  NO WAY!

One hour, two phone calls to Bob and three trips downstairs to the hot water heater and I still have no hot water. I do, however have an aching back and screaming knees, so I just give up on hot water for today.   I finally resign myself to a shower-free day.  The interview will have to ride on the effectiveness of my deodorant!  OK, so put on the dress clothes, comb the hair brush the teeth, put on jewelry and minimal makeup and I'm out the door.  The interview goes fine, I get the tour of the factory and best of all it looks like I'll have an offer coming soon.  I'll be temporary for 3 months and then get hired on permanent, if all goes well.  Now I just hope they have good health insurance and all my troubles will be over!

When the interview was over I had about 45 minutes for lunch and then a scheduled appointment with my gastroenterologist.  Picked up a yummy salad from Chik Fil A (love that place) and proceeded to spill it into my lap.  Used choice language and then ate what was left.  Had five minutes left before my appointment, but I guess Dr. was running late because I was in there waiting for what felt like forever.  I think I'm going to start billing all my providers for the time spent waiting.  A phone call saying that the Dr. is running late isn't too much to ask, is it?

I finally saw his PA and then the Dr.  He wants to take a look and see how things are going in my esophagus and stomach.  I told him of the theory of bile reflux gastritis and he looked doubtful, but we'll see.  Getting an endoscopy in a week, so we'll know better then what shape the old tummy is really in.

Meanwhile this is a HUNGRY afternoon!  I ate only a banana before my interview, and was starving by the time I ate my salad at 230.  Now I am ravenous and can't seem to feel full.  Consequence of not eating breakfast, I suppose.  Got a butternut squash in the oven and I have no idea what else we are having for din dins.  I am just worn out from the aggravation of my day, and too tired to drag myself to the kitchen and cook.  Dinner fairies, where are you?




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Unjury, hot water heater, and job interview....

Jan 18, 2012

makes for a weird blog entry.  I totally forgot about my support group meeting on Tuesday night, I must attend at least one more to be eligible for surgery, so I need to make sure I make the next one for sure.  I tried Unjury chocolate protein shake yesterday, and it was not bad.  Seems like most of the varieties I've tried so far are acceptable to me, at least for now. So far I like Chike, like Unjury, and like AMG from GNC.  I have tried them all in chocolate.  The only one I really did not like was....Nectar chocolate.

Today was a hairball!  I had a job interview this morning, but not until after 10 AM, so I had plenty of time to get ready after I got Bob and the boys off for the day.  When I entered the shower it was barely warm, quickly became tepid, cool, then really cold.  I was blue by the time I had washed and rinsed.  Turns out it was due to a switch on the hot water heater, Bob fixed it in about 30 seconds this evening.  

Meanwhile, shivering, I put on my interview duds and threw down a chocolate AMP shake from GNC (LOVE my blender bottles!), let the dogs out for a quick pee and back in, then headed to the interview.   I was there for about 1 and 1/2 hours and enjoyed talking with the 3 interviewers.  Very nice folks at Lehigh University in the Biology Department.   Lehigh University has a beautiful new science building, the STEPS building, and it is a certified green building.  It is beautiful, roomy and has lots of windows with great views.  I got a tour of the labs and prep rooms when the interview was over, and it was amazing to see how college science buildings have changed since my student days.  I probably won't hear from them for more than a week, so I'm left to keep searching for jobs and try not to eat when bored.  

Several times in the past week I've caught myself with that "I want something" feeling.  Not really hungry, but feeling unsatisfied and looking to food to relieve my boredom.  I've been trying hard to think about why I want to eat, find something else to do to keep my mind busy.  Meanwhile, I have been keeping off the 17 or so pounds I have lost this winter, and after my monthly visitor arrives maybe it will go even lower!

I really enjoyed the new episode of "Justified" on FX last night, just love that Timothy Olyphant!  I just wish TV shows would have weekly episodeds Labor Day to memorial day, like in the olden days.  I hated the mid season break over the holidays, my DVR was so sad and lonely!  

We just bought and watched the movie "Moneyball" with Brad Pitt.  A good baseball film and fun to watch.  Growing up while my brother played baseball, also watching my Dad watch the box scores in the paper, listen to games on the radio and watch them on TV made this movie interesting on so many levels.  It was totally cool to see people in a movie using the walkway in the the Stadium in Oakland.  Bob and I used that same pedestrian walkway when we went to a game about a billion years ago.  Brad Pitt is aging pretty well, and I loved the premise of this movie.  It's a keeper for sure!

My quest for yummy protein continues.  I will try another brand tomorrow, maybe for breakfast before I go to do some food shopping.  Eating healthy seems to require that I go to the store more frequently, we keep running out of stuff to cook!
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And the protein lottery goes on...

Jan 16, 2012

as I try to prepare for my pre-surgical protein drink only diet.  So far I've tried Chike chocolate (good) and Nectar chocolate (yuk) and today the lucky beverage was GNC's  AMP Amplified Wheybolic Extreme 60 chocolate.  If taken as a single scoop it is 20 g protein, less than 1 g fat and 2 g carbs.  It was quick to dissolve and quite tasty, with very little of the "artificial sweetener" aftertaste that i I really don't like.  I was surprised to find that two of the three drinks I have tried so far are acceptable to me, since I have seen how opinions on protein meal replacements tend to be quite strong.  Seems like most protein drinks are either love it or hate it, and I've gotta say so far Chike and GNC AMP seem to be OK for me.  I still have many samples to go through, and many others that I haven't tried yet, but will get samples of.  I want to have a multitude of different varieties and flavors on hand after surgery, so that if my tastes have changed I can find something I like for the long period of healing.

I have already learned that GNC shaker bottles are quite good, they really mix up these proteins quickly and easily, and make a mean scrambled egg too!  I hate to use the electric blender because it is such a pain to clean up, but the blender bottle is a breeze to clean.  Also, I really love playing with the "egg whisk" blender ball, it's a fun toy!

This long weekend was nice, the boys were off camping Friday night and Saturday night, and I got some work done here in the house while they were gone.  Slept in on Sunday, and enjoyed the MLK holiday with the guys today... took Jesse shopping for new school clothes today, new jeans and T-shirts in a  Men's Large!!  He's growing like a weed!  

Both boys are giving me a hard time because I have banned fast food and junk food in the house and my vehicle.  Result, I have a lot less trash in my truck passenger area at any given time, and no crap food in the house.  Of course we have plenty of healthy snacks, but those just aren't the same.    Jesse was complaining today about this, and I explained that not only am I hoping to live a longer and healthier life, I am also hoping to improve his and his brother's health.  He thinks because he isn't fat he doesn't need to worry about what he eats.  This led to the discussion of establishing healthy habits before you have a problem.  I don't think he bought it, but that changes nothing, since I am still the one with the truck keys and the grocery list.

Hoping that by pushing the boys to eat healthy and make better food choices they can learn some healthier habits and avoid the health problems and other issues, emotional and physical, that are so present in my life now.
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Job interviews are like trips to the dentist...

Jan 13, 2012

only they hurt more.  I had two interviews in late 2011, one with a plastic tubing manufacturer, and the other with a small, privately owned pharmaceutical company.  In both instances I dressed up and tried to make a good impression.  I was as prepared as could be, had researched the companies and was prepared to ask questions about the jobs.

The plastics company was only a few miles from my home, and would have been the ideal commute.  Since the job was 3rd shift it would have allowed me to continue acting as Assistant Scoutmaster with the Boy Scout Troop, and it sounded like a solid job in a small QA department.  I interviewed with the Manager of the department and the Supervisor.

The pharmaceutical company was in New Jersey, about an hour from home, and was a more "professional" position.  I interviewed with 6 people and was there from 9 AM until after 2 PM.  I was more nervous for this interview, but enjoyed talking to the folks and learning about the job requirements and expectations.  The people I met with were pleasant, friendly, and all seemed to enjoy our conversation.  

I had a phone interview with a human resources gal, and it went so well she assured me that she would "definitely recommend me" for a face to face interview.

Fast forward to January 1, 2012.  I have not heard back from any of the interviews.  I can only assume that I did not make the cut, since the courtesy of notifying the rejects is no longer practiced.  I am left to feel sick and depressed, especially since I went to Catherine's and spent over $100 on a suit.  Thank goodness it was on sale, or it would have been more than $200!

And what a suit.  Black jacket and slacks, with a cotton blouse.  It was the LARGEST clothes I have ever bought.  The pants were size 26WP (I'm only 5 feet tall) and the jacket was a 24.  I felt like a circus freak.  I was hot, sweating and my face was flushed.  Thank goodness I didn't have a tour at either location; it probably would have made me even sweatier.  At both locations I showed up early, filled out job applications on paper (yes, they still have those!) and then had time to collect myself before the interviews began.  

I have never been so self-conscious before.  I have, for the past 25 years, gotten steadily larger, but I always knew that my resume, intelligence and personality were all I needed to do well in an interview, and it was true.  Being a scientist has its perks, nobody expects you to be gorgeous or fashionable, most science types go for he minimum required dress code.  We don't mind wearing glasses and we don't dress up because we are going to cover our clothes with a lab coat.  We wear comfy shoes with no open toes, because labs can be dangerous, and we are on our feet a lot.  I was happy to be a lab rat, and confident in my ability to make a great impression in an interview.  But these last 50 pounds or so seem to have broken me.  My self confidence is shattered.  I am so miserable in my own skin that I can't just relax and enjoy myself.  

When I was younger and quite heavy I did anything I wanted.  I had a job one summer working for the corn breeders in the NC State College School of Agriculture.  I was out in the heat 8 hours or more each day, hoeing corn, inoculating corn plants with various diseases, measuring corn plants and recording data, and walking along endless rows covering the little ear shoots with bags to prevent pollination.  I loved this job! I was 25 years old, married, and actually enjoyed making $5.50 an hour working in the sun all day.  I was probably about 175 pounds that summer, and my weight never phased me.  

Now I am so ungainly, so crippled by fat that going down a flight of stairs to the laundry room is a daunting prospect. Washing dishes is painful.  The glorious lab rat has turned into a really pathetic creature.  Somewhere along the line I hit my tipping point, and now I wonder if I'll ever get back the confidence, the self assured professional demeanor.  Is it possible to ever get over all the misery and negativity I feel about myself, my body, my loss of self control, my lack of discipline?

Will people ever see me as a competent, intelligent scientist (or nerd, if you will)?  Am I destined to now just be a Fat Chick?


We'll see...

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I had my first protein meal replacement today and....

Jan 12, 2012

it wasn't bad!  It was Chike Chocolate Bliss.  A bit of an artificial sweetener aftertaste, but not too much.

I only had to chew up one clump of undissolved powder, which I managed to choke down  ,

but overall, not bad.  Had the shake at around 8 to 830 and it's an hour and a half later and I'm not hungry!!!  must remember to put milk in first next time, had one he double hockey stick of a time getting all the clumps out, and still had a little powder stuck to the bottom of my bottle.  Cleanup sure was easy, so Chike wins over scrambled eggs!

 Tomorrow, another adventure in premium protein, and another flavor...
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Winter finally arrives and ...

Jan 12, 2012

 I'm ready for it!  We are finally expecting some flurries here in eastern PA, and I, for one, am glad.  One thing I like about living here is that we have snow in winter, heat in summer, and a lovely spring and fall.  When I lived in North Carolina the fall and spring were great and lasted a long time, but the long summers were so hot that I hated to venture outside.  

Fast forward to today, we have two bags of salt ready to sprinkle in the driveway and two boys who know how to shovel snow; we're set!  All we need now is the white stuff, and there is a forecast of "flurries"!  Of course we had snow in October, an unusual 8 inches before the leaves even fell, but now is the time for the serious snow to start falling.

This week has been a total contrast from the last.  I have been tired, dragging my feet and doing as little as possible each day.  I have zero energy and I hurt all over.  My knees have been especially painful, perhaps due to the storm front currently moving through?  I am  hoping that maybe my good mood, high spirits and higher energy level will return this weekend.  My boys are going on a Boy Scout camp-out this weekend, sleeping Friday and Saturday nights at a Boy Scout Cabin on Staten Island, and spending the day Saturday in Manhattan.  They are both excited, and I am too, because it will be good for me and for Bob to have the house to ourselves for a weekend. 

I received two packages today, from Unjury and Chike.  Each contained single servings of various flavors of protein meal replacements.  I must say the Unjury "shaker bottle" was not what I expected, just a Rubbermaid 6 oz plastic bottle with a top, no magical "whisk ball" to do the job properly.  Still, I think I'll start tomorrow with my plan to have a protein shake each morning for breakfast.  I'm going to make note of which shakes are yummy, yukky, etc, and then when I've found one I like I can order enough for my pre-surgical "protein shake only" diet.  

I was really surprised a while back to see a post on OH in which someone was making disparaging remarks about people who had a particular type of WLS.  The gist, from what I could discern, was that this person felt that the Duodenal Switch (DS) was the "smart" choice and that people who get the band are idiots and people who get gastric bypass are self punishing weenies.  ( I paraphrase) This really surprised me, as most of the folks on the forum and generally supportive and positive.  It got me to thinking about the whole judging and classifying thing again.  Must we really judge others and then put them down, because they are different than we are?  Must we really say that they are stupid just because they don't do as we do?  

My feeling is that anyone who is considering WLS or has had it is a person who is willing to work and change to have a better life and a healthier body.  We are not taking the easy way out, we have chosen to take charge of our lives and try to take better care of our bodies.  We aren't lazy or stupid or slothful or gluttonous (OK I'm gluttonous, but I know not all of us are) and we are all trying to live the best lives we can.

When I was in my 30's and just at 200 pounds, I was morbidly obese.  During that decade I had two children and breast fed each for about a year.  I played indoors and out with them. I walked my dogs and pushed my boys in their stroller around my neighborhood.  I rode my bike, hiked in the WV mountains, and worked on my garden all year round.  I shoveled and wheeled tons of mulch.  I wasn't happy with my fat self, but my size did not define me.  I lived a good life and I was happy and, other than my weight, healthy.

Now, in my forties, I have too many physical problems to list here, am on more prescription meds that I can remember, can barely walk up stairs, and can only walk about 100 feet before back pain stops me in my tracks.  This is why I have opted for WLS.  I don't care if I ever look good in size 5 jeans again, like I did in high school.  I don't need to be able to run eleven miles and then go home and do chores, like I did at age 15.  What I do need is to be a mom who can walk up the stairs at my sons' school on parent night, or walk from my car to a football field to watch my son march with the band at halftime.  This year, I didn't do either of those things because I could not bear the idea of all the pain from walking the stairs, hallways and streets.  I have made up my mind that I will do this, I will get healthy, I will be a mom who can go on hikes with the Boy Scouts on the Appalachian Trail.  I will be able to swim laps, I may even learn to do a flip turn!  I will definitely become more thoughtful about what I put in my body, and why.

My options are very limited vis a vis WLS, because my guts are already messed up.  I am one of the "normal" people who experiences early dumping, without benefit of WLS.  My pylorus doesn't really do its job, since I also have bile reflux.  The dumping is caused by the pylorus allowing food to enter the intestine before the stomach has had a chance to deal with the sugars and carbs, thus creating massive gas, discomfort and diahrrea.  The bile reflux is also caused by the crummy pylorus allowing bile to move back up into the stomach from the upper small intestine, where the gall bladder dumps it.   Since my pylorus is an idiot my only viable choice is gastric bypass.  A sleeve would make the bile reflux even worse, as would a DS.  Since I have a hiatal hernia, a band is out of the question.  Luckily for me, the RNY gastric bypass should allow me to lose a great deal of weight and become the active healthy human that I want to be.  So, for all you judgers and haters out there, go ahead, let 'er rip!  Your opinion of me is a non-issue, as are your feelings about my surgical choice, and your prejudice against fat people in general.  

Condemn me if you wish, call me lazy, call me a cheater, but I am taking my body back by any means necessary, and I refuse to see the shame in it.

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Is it all in my head....

Jan 08, 2012

or do I have more energy already?  I weighed in with my nutritionist on wednesday and I have lost 17 pounds since I started eating sensibly.  Of course, I am hungry all the time, but still, seventeen pounds!!!  

This week I noticed that I seem to have more energy.  Yesterday was a beautiful day and Bob and I spent some time outdoors, trying to clear up all the branches in the yard.  Of course, I was the one assigned to walk around and pick up branches to put in our fun fire!  Bob's fake knee and back are really bothering him, so I try to do all the walking when I can.  

So, here I am with an armful of branches, and I hang my foot up in a cluster of small stumps.  I trip, fall, and very ungraciously try to catch myself.  Fail, land on right shoulder and knee and roll onto the patio like a very uncoordinated dumpling!  Bob is totally freaked out and of course I'm fine.  Fast forward to today, however, and O MY!  I am really sore.  My right arm caught my not insubstantial weight, and my right triceps, elbow and shoulder are extremely sore!  My right leg also took quite a jar, and is very sore today.  But, no bruises!! Apparently I am tougher than I think, or maybe just very thick skinned...

So I had a great day Saturday, and made a dent in the massive pile of branches, but today I was a sore, wimpy whiner who got nothing done....

Up until today I have had a pretty good week, so maybe my little fall and resulting soreness is just me getting back to baseline.  

I just hope that this more energetic me returns tomorrow, since I've got shopping to do!  

I am sitting here tapping away at my laptop and very very hungry.  Trying to think of a high protein snack with low carbs and low fat to make my belly shut up long enough for me to fall asleep.  Cottage cheese here we come!
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I survived the steak house....

Jan 07, 2012

 and I didn't even go nuts and eat like the old me!  Went out to dinner with hubby and the boys tonight, and it was good!  We went to a steak house and I made a real attempt to stick to my pre-surgery, eat healthy guidelines.  I enjoyed about 1/2 of my 6 ounce steak, and about half of my steamed spinach, drank water and more water, and had only one slice of bread from the cute little brown loaf.  Lost some willpower when presented with a baked potato, but didn't even think about dessert!

I am finding it easier to say no to things that in the past I would have simply eaten without thinking.  I believe that for me, a lot of my weight has come from simply eating thoughlessly, sitting and chomping away at a bag of chips with no clue of what I was really packing in or what the consequences would be.  I am still repeating to myself that food is fuel, and that I do not need treats, I just need to eat healthy stuff to fuel my body.  

Downside~~ we ate about 4 hours ago and I am totally hungry now! I sincerely hope that after surgery I will never feel a hunger pang again!  I am so hungry all the time, it is no small wonder I got so huge.  But, there is a Light & Fit yogurt in the fridge with my name on it, so I will drink a bottle of water, then enjoy a yogurt cup and pretend to be satisfied.  If I keep up the pretense, maybe eventually I really will be satisfied....

Today was an amazingly beautiful January day in eastern PA, and I got to spend several hours outdoors.  The dogs played chase me in the back yard and Bob and I continued to enjoy our fire pit while getting rid of branches brought down by a late fall snow.  Don't know what we'll do for fun when they are all gone...

Yogurt time!
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