I was having an extra horrible case of PMS last week.....Auntie Flo showed up on Tuesday, and she is almost ready to pack her bags and leave again. My food cravings are back to normal again! *whew*. The scale is almost back to normal, I weighed in at 182 this morning, which isn't too shabby considering the indulgences I allow myself during my period and also the horrible time I was having with PMS food cravings before. If I manage to get a little bit of exercising in and control my calories except for the wine tonight, I should be okay. LOL
Happy Valentine's Day
I have been trying to reflect on how I have changed mentally, physically and emotionaly since Dr. Frezza wrapped this precious band around my fat stomach. Let's start with the phsyical.
I am down around 79 pounds....but what does that mean? I just bought a HUGE pack of hamburger meat from Costco's the other day. It weighed in a little over 7 pounds. If I bought 10 of those and stuck them all over my body, that's the amount of fat that has shrunk all over my body. Oh my....that's quite a bit.
Physically, my diabetes is better. I no longer take medications to control my blood sugar.
So far, I haven't noticed too much, if any, excess skin. My hair is almost the same. But, I think my eyes are brighter and bigger since they aren't so squished by fat. My smile has definitely changed. I can see creases and dimple-like lines when I smile that surely weren't there 79 pounds ago. Physically, I am still dealing with unwanted facial hair, bad teeth, and dry skin. (these are our little secret
Now to the mental and emotional part.....these two items can intertwind, so I will talk about them together.
Mentally, I feel much more confident these days. When I walk in to a store, I have noticed that I get more attention and usually better service. I have really been trying to observe this as objectively as I can, and I really feel an attractive pretty much normal sized person gets a lot more respect than a morbidly obese person. Okay, I said it........attractive. I have been told by strangers, by loved ones, friends and co-workers that I am very pretty. I get up every morning and apply make-up and do my hair in the hopes of appearing attractive....it just feels weird to say, "Yes, I am attractive!". That is a good change.....I am feeling much more attractive these days. With that, comes the confidence. I am not smug, and I am not full of myself by any means, I do however feel much more self assured these days.
With confidence comes a certain amount of happiness. I do feel much happier today in general then I did two years ago......even a year ago. We are still always broke, and I still live in a small house, and struggle to pay my car payment. So, many things in life have not changed. My happiness comes from my weight loss and the way I feel about myself. I really do love my power walks at lunch. I put on my headset, turn on Rush. (my dream man) I spend an hour with him, doing something really good for myself. That makes me happy.
I don't buy junk food for the house anymore. Well, okay.....I buy some for Aunt Flo's visit, but that's it! LOL My son is very thankful for this, as he watches what he eats after seeing me battle weight all of my life. He doesn't want the temptation, and as I mother, I should never ensure he eats complete junk like that again. This is a complete mental change for me. I had got to the point in my weight loss life that I had completely given up. I didn't just allow myself treats often, I allowed them WHENEVER and AS MANY as my fat little heart desired. I had lost any hope of ever losing weight again. That attitude was freeing.....and it's the same attitude I have with myself the first two days of my period. My little band buddy, Journey, doesn't allow me to eat everything and as much as I want. What Journey does allow goes. I am not berating myself for this mental change a couple of days a month, I am congratulating myself. Two days of the month I relax and give in to cravings....for once in my life I actually look forward to Aunt Flo coming! ha ha! I feel so disciplined the rest of the month though.....knowing I CAN have a cookie, just not right now.
Even though I am more confident, I still doubt myself at times and wonder how others feel about me. I know skinny people that also have some insecurity issues, so it might be that losing weight won't cure that. When I was about 20 years old and lost a lot of weight, I was not prepared, mentally and emotionally to receive male attention. Now that I am 39 years old, I am much older, much wiser and have a few years of therapy under my belt. The sexual abuse I endured my entire childhood will not define my anymore. It's OKAY for a man to look at me....it's OKAY for a man to think I am desirous.....it's okay for a man lust a little. LOL It's just not okay for a man to touch me unless I say it's okay. I am much more mentally and emotionally equipped to handle myself this time around. This is going to be fun. My husband is VERY understanding of this. He is very proud of the hard work I have put in to looking better and is fine with showing it off a bit.
So, have I changed? Yes. I have changed a lot. Are they all good changes? I hope so. I hope that I haven't changed in an ugly and conceited way. I love life and sure look forward to the future!!
On another note, my best friend had back surgery on Thursday. I went to the hospital last night and she is not looking well at all. She has spinal bifida and will probably have problems all of her life.......but she was really in a lot of pain last night and not too optimistic about things. I am sure she will be okay.....I am here for her for anything at all. I LOVE YOU JAMIE, GET BETTER SOON!!!!