I want to say how very priviliged and grateful I feel at his moment.  I feel honored that I was loved by my dear friend, Jamie.  When I was at the services and saw how the church was packed with people who cared about Jamie, I realized lucky I was to be one of those people.  I have been in contact with Jamie's mom, Patti, every day since she passed.  I keep begging her to give me something to do for her....I truly want to keep Jamie's generosity alive.  Patti called me at work yesterday and asked if I could come over after work.  She wanted to talk.  

We had the best talk.  I learned so much about Jamie that I never knew.  She was always so concerened about YOU that she didn't talk about herself of her past that much.  All of these things I learned and that Patti shared with me just added to my love for her.  I was pretty surprised to learn that Jamie never mentioned any of her other friends.  Patti said she talked about me quite a bit though.  That touched me.  I KNOW Jamie loved me.......she showed it in every action and every word.....but to hear her mom explain it just blew me away.  For having the absolute pleausure of being loved by Jamie I am forever grateful.  I am going to stay in close contact with the family, this way I can also stay involved in her children's lives.  They must NEVER forget how much their mother loved them and the values that she tried to instill in them.  

Okay, back to the weightloss battle.....

I weighed in at 178 exactly this morning!  Yesterday, I also took a trip to Macy's and tried on some Levi's they have on sale.  A SIZE 10 LEVI'S!!!!  They fit, HOWEVER, they were tight and caused a muffin top......so, I am not OFFICIALLY in a size 10 yet, but boy am I getting close!!!  HOOORAY!!!!!   I was wearing my size 12 jeans yesterday and a knit top, and I had SEVERAL people tell me I was looking SKINNY!  Imagine that!!  SKINNY!!  That feels good.  Very good.  

Today is my friend, Jamie's, rosery and tomorrow is the funeral.  I have had such a hard time the past few days.  Tonight is just going to make it that much more real.  I have been in touch with her family every day....I feel so sad for them.  Having to fight for the kids is just something they shouldn't be having to deal with right now.  It's like rubbing salt in the wound. Jamie and I talked a few months ago about what we both define a true friend as being.  We have the same definition of what a friend should be.  It was a very touching converstation...she cried and told me how thankful she was I was her friend and then of course I cried....probably something we would have laughed about years from now.  Now, it's just a cherished memory that I will always have.  I will take my definition of friendship and apply that to her family.  They need so much love and help to get through this. 
I am very grateful for all of the help my OH friends have shown me.  Please know you are appreciated!!

I cooked goulash and two cakes and took them over to Jamie's mom's house.  Jamie's grandma was there, I had heard so much about her.  She is just what I expected. Just as special as Jamie.  I am so mad at the world right now......how can such a bright light be taken like that???  WHY????  
I went and picked up the friend that dumped me back in September.  It's stupid for us to stay mad at each other....especially now.  We have issues to sort out, but for now, we are mourning the loss of our best friend.  Jamie is looking down at us smiling......I know it.  
This is NOT the way I wanted it to happen, but I did make it in to the 170's finally.  I was down to 178.8 this morning.  

My BFF passed away today.  OMG, I am still in shock.......I just had to put it in words before the reality of it all hits me even harder.  Jamie Gonzales.  She was my rock.  She was one of my staunchest cheerleaders and she definitely showed me what a true friend is.  She was born with spinal bifida and half of her left arm.  She played softball, she rode bikes, she was not afraid to try anything.  Jamie had back problems, and such, but she NEVER complained.  She was too busy asking how everyone else was doing. 

She went in on February 12th to have exploratory back surgery.  She had had back surgery a couple of years ago for a fatty tumor that was growing in and around her spine.  The surgeon removed some and untangled what he could from her spinal cord.  She was pretty good until 4-5 months ago.  Maybe longer, since she was never one to complain or talk about HER ailments.  I kept encouraging her to see her doctor, the surgeon, anyone.  Something wasn't right.  I think she was so scared she was going to have to undergo another surgery.  She has to small kids.  They will turn 4 and 6 in March.  She is a single mother, and juggling who they are going to stay with is a pain, not to mention taking time off from work, paying bills, etc.  Well, she finally went and the surgeon did an MRI but couldn't really tell what was going on with her back.  He decided to do exploratory surgery.  

She made it through the surgery okay....but when she woke up she could not feel her left leg at all.  She could move it but it had no feeling in it at all.  Her right leg was a "pins and needles" feeling, so it was ultra sensitive.  The doctor acted like she would be fine, it was probably just irritated nerves that needed time to get back to normal.  He said he didn't mess with her nerves, but they probably got irritated.  She was so scared.  She was so afraid she would never walk again.  Since she had only one full arm, walkers and other contraptions weren't going to help her out.  After a few days they moved her to a rehab facility so that physical therapists could help her walk again.  Lucky for me, this place was only one mile from work.  I went there every day this week after work and spent a few hours with her.  I would wheel her outside so that she could smoke.  I brought her some books and McDonald's last night.  I just felt so bad for her.....she was scared for her and her kids.  She by the way, was literally one of the best mothers ever.  I was such a lazy mother and friend compared to her.  She disciplined her kids, and spent quality time with them. She read to them, taught them and always let them know how much they are loved.  Anyway.....I stayed a couple of hours last night and then told her I needed to go home and cook dinner for my son.  She had another friend that had showed up anyway, so I didn't feel bad leaving her.  

Before she went to bed last night she sent me a text message to my work email telling me, "Good morning!! I hope you have a great day today!!"  So, when I got to work, that is the first thing I read.  I smiled, but that was so typical Jamie.....always always always thinking of others first!!!  I went about my morning at work like usual and then went to lunch.  I was thinking that Jamie would be able to text back this afternoon since she has the physical therapy most of the morning.  My phone was vibrating, and I ignored it at first.  It kept going off, so I thought maybe something was wrong......and that's when I got the word.  Her sister texted to let me know.  Jamie had gotten up this morning and was dressed and in her wheelchair talking to the physical therapist and she just slumped over.  They are thinking it was probably a seizure or stroke?  Her family is requesting an autopsy be done though.  Her birthday is tomorrow....she would have been 33 years old.  

OMG ...I just can't believe it.  She was fine except for her legs not wanting to cooperate.  She was fine.  I am thankful I got to spend a lot of time with her this week.  We didn't see eachother very often because we lived on opposite sides of town.  We worked together until I got my job at the Forest Service.  I was trying so hard to get her over there with me.  A lot of us from SSA were already there.  She would have loved it, but she wasn't sure she could do it since the drive was longer and she had daycare that was going the other direction.  When my mother died, when my dog died, when my husband and I would fight, when I had my lap-band surgery, when I got promoted, no matter what happened Jamie was there for me.  I have other friends, but she always, always, always made sure I was okay.  She was so proud of my weightloss, she was just bragging on me to her roommate that the rehab center last night.  Telling her, "Melanie has had to quit smoking, give up Diet Cokes and really work hard to lose the weight she has.  She could gain weight with the band, but she has put the work in and I am proud of her!"  Jamie!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG what will I do without you??????

I was having an extra horrible case of PMS last week.....Auntie Flo showed up on Tuesday, and she is almost ready to pack her bags and leave again.  My food cravings are back to normal again!  *whew*.  The scale is almost back to normal, I weighed in at 182 this morning, which isn't too shabby considering the indulgences I allow myself during my period and also the horrible time I was having with PMS food cravings before.  If I manage to get a little bit of exercising in and control my calories except for the wine tonight, I should be okay.  LOL  Happy Valentine's Day

I have been trying to reflect on how I have changed mentally, physically and emotionaly since Dr. Frezza wrapped this precious band around my fat stomach.  Let's start with the phsyical. 

I am down around 79 pounds....but what does that mean?  I just bought a HUGE pack of hamburger meat from Costco's the other day.  It weighed in a little over 7 pounds.   If I bought 10 of those and stuck them all over my body, that's the amount of fat that has shrunk all over my body.  Oh my....that's quite a bit.

Physically, my diabetes is better.  I no longer take medications to control my blood sugar. 

So far, I haven't noticed too much, if any, excess skin.  My hair is almost the same.  But, I think my eyes are brighter and bigger since they aren't so squished by fat.  My smile has definitely changed.  I can see creases and dimple-like lines when I smile that surely weren't there 79 pounds ago.  Physically, I am still dealing with unwanted facial hair, bad teeth, and dry skin.  (these are our little secret ) 

Now to the mental and emotional part.....these two items can intertwind, so I will talk about them together.

Mentally, I feel much more confident these days.  When I walk in to a store, I have noticed that I get more attention and usually better service.  I have really been trying to observe this as objectively as I can, and I really feel an attractive pretty much normal sized person gets a lot more respect than a morbidly obese person.  Okay, I said it........attractive.  I have been told by strangers, by loved ones, friends and co-workers that I am very pretty.  I get up every morning and apply make-up and do my hair in the hopes of appearing attractive....it just feels weird to say, "Yes, I am attractive!".  That is a good change.....I am feeling much more attractive these days.  With that, comes the confidence.  I am not smug, and I am not full of myself by any means, I do however feel much more self assured these days.

With confidence comes a certain amount of happiness.  I do feel much happier today in general then I did two years ago......even a year ago.  We are still always broke, and I still live in a small house, and struggle to pay my car payment.  So, many things in life have not changed.  My happiness comes from my weight loss and the way I feel about myself.  I really do love my power walks at lunch.  I put on my headset, turn on Rush.  (my dream man) I spend an hour with him, doing something really good for myself.  That makes me happy. 

I don't buy junk food for the house anymore.  Well, okay.....I buy some for Aunt Flo's visit, but that's it!  LOL  My son is very thankful for this, as he watches what he eats after seeing me battle weight all of my life.  He doesn't want the temptation, and as I mother, I should never ensure he eats complete junk like that again.  This is a complete mental change for me.  I had got to the point in my weight loss life that I had completely given up.  I didn't just allow myself treats often, I allowed them WHENEVER and AS MANY as my fat little heart desired.  I had lost any hope of ever losing weight again.  That attitude was freeing.....and it's the same attitude I have with myself the first two days of my period.  My little band buddy, Journey, doesn't allow me to eat everything and as much as I want.  What Journey does allow goes.  I am not berating myself for this mental change a couple of days a month, I am congratulating myself.  Two days of the month I relax and give in to cravings....for once in my life I actually look forward to Aunt Flo coming!  ha ha!  I feel so disciplined the rest of the month though.....knowing I CAN have a cookie, just not right now. 

Even though I am more confident, I still doubt myself at times and wonder how others feel about me.  I know skinny people that also have some insecurity issues, so it might be that losing weight won't cure that.  When I was about 20 years old and lost a lot of weight, I was not prepared, mentally and emotionally to receive male attention.  Now that I am 39 years old, I am much older, much wiser and have a few years of therapy under my belt.  The sexual abuse I endured my entire childhood will not define my anymore.  It's OKAY for a man to look at me....it's OKAY for a man to think I am desirous.....it's okay for a man lust a little.   LOL  It's just not okay for a man to touch me unless I say it's okay.  I am much more mentally and emotionally equipped to handle myself this time around.  This is going to be fun.  My husband is VERY understanding of this.  He is very proud of the hard work I have put in to looking better and is fine with showing it off a bit. 

So, have I changed?   Yes.  I have changed a lot.  Are they all good changes?  I hope so.  I hope that I haven't changed in an ugly and conceited way.  I love life and sure look forward to the future!! 

On another note, my best friend had back surgery on Thursday.  I went to the hospital last night and she is not looking well at all.  She has spinal bifida and will probably have problems all of her life.......but she was really in a lot of pain last night and not too optimistic about things.  I am sure she will be okay.....I am here for her for anything at all.  I LOVE YOU JAMIE,  GET BETTER SOON!!!!