I have been pretty out of control for awhile now.  My weight hasn't fluctated too much until this week.  I weighed in at 164 this morning.  UGH    

I want to not only reach my goal, FINALLY, but I also want to get down about 15 lbs below that.  So, now I have just made my job THAT much harder!  Why???

I do think in some ways, I am sabotaging myself.  It's some of those old ghosts telling me that I am not deserving, and that I couldn't possibly be a thin person.  

I am at a new beginning in my life.  I DO deserve to start this beginning as happy and healthy as possible.  I do.  

Okay, my birthday isn't officially until Wednesday, but I will be partying it up tonight with some friends.  I hope a lot of people show up, I want to dance my ass off!!  Lord knows I need the exercise!  ha ha ha

I am still at 159 lbs....guess not too bad considering I was up higher earlier in the week, and I ate total crap all week!!  I was better at getting my water in mid-week and definitely noticed a difference in my band's restriction.  Amazing how things work when you follow the rules.  DUH.    I didn't do as well yesterday and ended up PBing last night.  ARGH!!    My fault, but I am extremely depressed about some stuff at the same time.  Guess, I can cut myself a bit of slack.  

My boss gave me a wonderful compliment yesterday, however!!  There is a weight loss challenge going on in my area right now, to encourage people NOT to gain weight and maybe lose some through the holiday season.  Everyone was cool with me participating, so I signed up.  The embarassing thing is, your WEIGHT is posted on this tracking sheet. *gulp*.  ha ha ha  Well, the scale they are using weighs in about 5-6 pounds heavier than mine.  So, when I posted my weight it said 166 lbs.  My boss asked me if that was correct....she was in total disbelief.  She said I looked like I weigh around 135 lbs!!  That is my ultimate goal!!  ha ha ha ha!  It was so nice to hear that, really.  She said I looked perfect at my current weight.  

I know I still have fat rolls under my clothing, and want to lose more, but it is an ego boost to know that from someone else's perspective that I look good.  Well, I need to get back to basics with my band......water water water and solid protein.  I can do this!!! I my band and the new life I am getting because of this wonderful tool!!

Part of the reason I haven't updated is that I went on another trip, and part of it is I am not feeling good about myself.  I have been so slacking in eating right and doing any kind of exercise.  Ever since going to New Jersey  I have been stuck in vacation mode.  

I realized the other day that I do better on a routine, and my life has NOT been routine since June basically.  With my DH and I splitting/seperating, I haven't been home a lot, and when I am home, I am not just sitting around watching TV.  I need to get back in to some kind of routine, and if not, I at least need to stick with foods that won't harm me.

I have started the whole reflux, and throwing up at night thing again.  UGH!!  I know that it's mainly because I have had a few episodes of eating too fast and then PBing...then not sticking to liquids.  So, starting today, I am on liquids again for at least 2-3 days.  I need to get rid of any swelling my stoma has.  I know that I am not too tight...when I am not swollen I can eat just fine.  I was just making horrible choices.  Vacaton mode.  

Well, the vacation is over biatch!  ha ha ha Back to basics for me.  I weighed in at 159 this morning, so I have changed my ticker to reflect the weight gain.  I can feel the few extra pounds.  I hate it.  I never want to go back to the way I was.  Ever.