Well, here I am celebrating with two of my brothers again this Christmas, and here I am again dealing with a band that won't behave and an unhappy love life.  Can anyone say De`ja Vu?  Seriously.

This year my son and I flew in to Illionois instead of going to Sedona.  I am sure that my older brother and his wife couldn't afford one of those luxury vacation homes for the week this year, which is understandable.  However, they did give my son and I their mileage points so that we could fly in!  Yay!!  

The last couple of weeks have just been crazy.  I have been slammed at work, trying to accomplish several projects at once.  This is going to be a very busy year at work.  With that, and spending the weekend over at my BF's house, I just haven't had too much time to devote to myself and also to devote to getting ready for Christmas.  Luckily, I had bought some gifts earlier in the fall, but not my main ones.  I baked some cookies and did a few things, but not much time for anything else.

I had asked my BF WEEKS before going on my trip if he would watch my cat.  I suggested that I bring him over to HIS house so that my cat won't be alone and so that my BF wouldn't have to trek over to my apartment every day while I was gone.  BF's response was, "Sure, whatever you want, honey."  

Hmmmph

The weekend before Christmas I said that we needed to pick up my cat and bring him over to his house.  BF was not happy about getting him 4 days early.  Oh well.  It just spiraled downhill from there.  Amazingly enough, he was a complete jerk about the whole thing.  My cat was bullying his cat, who is declawed, and BF was afraid my cat would shred her in to little pieces.  I get that......but to make me feel like I had done something horribly wrong was very unacceptable.  Seriously.  

BF had me crying all week, acting like a complete jerk.  I finally got a bit assertive and told him that I did not deserve to be treated like that and won't tolerate it.  Things improved a bit after that and I flew out the next morning.  WIth the stress of my BF, and the stress of travel AND MY FREAKING PERIOD on top of it all, I should have expected my band to be a little brat.  I guess, I just never learn.....with men, AND with my band.  

At the Houston airport, I spent half the time my son and I were eating PBing in the bathroom.  UGH.  So, that night I tried to eat a little again.....NOPE.  The next day, I stayed mainly with soup and drinks and everything seemed to calm down.  I figured the following day, Christmas Day, I would be able to eat some very moist turkey and some mashed potatoes.  NOPE.  I had snacked a lot of the day on chips and some cookies, and really felt it was all good.....but I took a few small bites of dinner and had to excuse myself to the bathroom.  REALLY?  UGH!

This was my experience the last two years while being with my brothers over Christmas holiday.  They must think that I am a freak for still being overweight and not keeping food down.  Maybe they think I am bullemic.  Who knows??  At this point, I am just very frustrated.  I feel like I can't enjoy much.  I am upset with BF, because he is still being aloof and distant from me.  I am mad at myself because I am starting to be a needy woman again.  NO.  I can't do that to myself.  I just can't.  The lesson I learned from before was that I would rather be alone than with the wrong man.  Period.  I deserve to be treated special.  

I don't know for sure what's going on with my band.  I suppose it could be a million things....dehydration, stress and swelling.  DUH.  The good thing is that I haven't had any reflux (knock on wood) or heartburn.  IF that happens. I will be fearing a slip.  Sooooooo, maybe I will lose some weight and get back some of my self-confidence I seemed to have lost.  I might start the new year out single, or my BF might come to his senses.  Not sure on that one yet.  The one thing that I DO know is, I need to keep fighting the good fight because I am worth it......no one else will ever love me as much as I need to love myself.  

I am still having some issues with "Journey".  I really, really hope that this doesn't mean that my band is too tight.    

I really kind of stuck to slider foods this weekend.  I had some sugar cookie roll outs that I made, some chips,  and some cheese and crakers.  Not much else.  Yesterday I tried eating a few McNuggets and could get two down, but I didn't feel right.  I ate some chips after that (bad idea), and I pb'd those. 

I don't want to start that stupid vicious cycle of never being able to eat GOOD for you foods, and real food.  I was pretty much that way when I was experiencing the slip, only I was also having to live with horrible heartburn and nighttime reflux on top of it.  I couldn't even keep water down some of those days. 

So, although I have no doubts that I DO NOT have s slip again, I am starting to worry that my band is just too damn tight once again.  UGH.  I am hoping that he is just irritated and if I baby him he will quit being cranky and let me eat again.  Soooooo. I am on full liquids (for the most part) today.  We are having a luncheon at work tomorrow and I would love to be able to have some of those goodies........but, I am not sure if it will be a great idea.  You know? 

I got my fill 3 weeks ago, and my tubing and port seem to delay my full effects for a couple of weeks.  So, even though I *felt* fine a week after my fill, it doesn't mean that I wasn't too full.  *sigh*

We'll see.  Crossing my fingers and babying Journey. 

I have a good bandster friend who named her band, Sybil. Obviously because of the multiple personalities!!  Well, I am wondering if I should change Journey's name to Sybil. ha ha

This week has been frustrating, but I am still very optimistic.  I just know that my body's metablism really does suck.  

My band, for seemingly no reason, clamped down tight on me Tuesday.  No PMS, no stuck food causing swelling..not sure what happened.  Although, it could have been caused by excess mucas drainage.  I raked leaves for a couple of hours on Sunday and was experiencing increased allergy symptoms.  I went to eat some chili for lunch on Tuesday and end up having some pretty bad PB episodes.  I stayed on liquids the rest of the day, and ended up seeing a 3 pounds weight gain the next morning!  WTF??!!  I was back up to 201.  I have gone to the gym, and been able to eat better and got down to 199 again, but that's still 3 pounds heavier than last week, which is very frustrating.  Oh well.

I am still very excited about feeling good restriction once again, and my new workout routine, so I have set a new goal.  By March 10th, 3 months from now, I want to be down to 170 pounds!!  I CAN DO THIS!!!!

  In a good way, of course!! 

This fill has been fantastic!!  I can still eat slider foods like chips and crackers.......but even with that, I am slightly limited.  So, I do try to stay away from them.  I really am finding that this amount of restriction is very different from what I experienced  pre-revision.  I think I probably had a slight slip due to surgeon incompetence from the 4th or 5th month, on. 

I say this because when I get "full" now, feels way different than it did before.  I used to almost always feel like food was stuck after I ate.  I wouldn't always PB, but sometimes I would try and force a PB just so that I would feel better.  Now, when I eat solid foods, I just seem to get to a point to where I feel full......period.  No pain, no heartburn, no running to the bathroom to get rid of the last few bites, I just feel full and know I have to stop. 

I also joined a gym last weekend, and made it there three times last week!    I met with a trainer and got my marching orders on what to do and for how long.  I needed that.  I have never been a person to workout, so I am clueless and how long and how many reps to do of exercises.  I am feeling good about all of that. 

Suddenly, I have some mojo back.  Suddenly, I feel a lot more optimistic about losing some of the weight I regained.  That makes me feel good!!   I have been down to 196 most of last week.  I hope to get down even lower this week!