First of all, I wanted to update everyone on the BF situation. It looked very bad, but once I got home and we got a chance to hash things out, we were able to restore everything between us. Turns out, as I thought, there was something bothering him that he wasn't talking about. He really is a wonderful man, that's why I was hurting to damn much. I couldn't see why a great guy was reacting the way that he was.
My eating has been pretty bad since coming back in to work. I was down to 196 coming back from vacation, as of this morning I am back up to 200. A lot of it is water retention. I feel it. I am eating chips and crackers.....just stressing from all of the things on the "to do" list at work, I guess. I really, really have to focus on not turning to certain comfort foods when I feel the pinch at work. I was stressed over vacation but I didn't turn to bad foods nearly as much. My band is tight and would really help me to lose weight if I would just follow the rules.
The year started out bad and ended bad. The end. ha ha. Not really, but almost. It was early January when I went in to get my Upper GI done. A couple of weeks later I got the call from Dr. Acosta's nurse, Deb, saying that the pictures showed that I had slip. She said Dr. Acosta wanted to do surgery to fix it, and that he would see me the following week to take fluid out of my band.
Even though I had struggled with my band for months at that point, I was in total shock. A slip? Really? That wasn't supposed to happen to me. That happens to other people. I got my partial unfill from Dr. Acosta. He did his best to console me and tell me that he feels there is a very good possibility that my band could be re-positioned just fine or a new one placed. I even asked him about revising to RNY (he wasn't offering VSG at the time). He felt it wasn't the best idea with the band scarring and also didn't feel that insurance would approve since I was no longer moribidly obese.
I had gained some weight back at that point already, but with the band unfilled quite a bit, I continued to gain a bit back. I waited for surgery for close to two months. During that time, I also went through the final separation from my husband. He finally found a place and moved out. We had been separated for over 6 months at that point, but he was still in the house, so this was a big change.
I had dated a few guys and I was enjoying my newfound freedom, but I was pretty shocked at how many liars and no good men that were out there.
I was now responsible for my three pets, my teenage son and ALL of the household bills by myself. That was a scary prospect. Especially since my mortgage was in question anway. This was a big reason why my husband and I were ending things. He had kept from me the fact that he wasn't paying the mortgage back earlier in the year. We had then made a request from the lender to do a modification. I was waiting to hear back on that.
I had my surgery in March to fix my band. All went well. Dr. Acosta felt strongly that my slip was caused by my quack of a surgeon that I had for my initial surgery. He said that Dr. Frezza probably sutured the band arond my fat pad, rather than my stomach. So, when my fat started shrinking my band had nothing holding it in place.
I had regained about 20 pounds from my lowest at that point and was deterimined to get that off and finally get down to my original goal. I was a very good girl after surgery. I stuck to my post-op diet to the tee. I kept my portion sizes to where I was required and didn't venture beyond the stage I was at. If I was in the liquid stage, I didn't cheat and have some soft foods. Nope. I was going to take my second chance with the band and be a success!!
I actually lost about 12 pounds when I went to see Dr. Acosta for my first follow up. He was so proud of me. I then started falling back in to old patterns once I was able to eat real foods. I didn't have restriction and life was getting even more busy and stressful. Work was kicking my butt, losing some key people put a lot of the work on me. I turned to food more than I should have. I had vowed to keep the carbs out, but alas, my demon won once again.
By the time I got my first fill, I had put that weight I lost back on and added a few more pounds. I was also very smitten with a certain guy around the same time and he was taking me to some nice restaurants. I was enjoying my personal life, FINALLY. That guy is now my BF and besides my son, he is the only real bright spot from this past year.
The first fill did not help my restriction level at all. Unfortunately, I was about to be blindsided with some bad news, so that added to my eating disorder. I got a letter from my mortgage company saying that they agreed to the modification of the loan.......but guess what? The payment went up!! ARGH!!
Seriously?? I lost my child support in March and was really NOT making it on my own. My son was working at the time and at least paying his car insurance, but I still needed a lower mortgage payment or I was screwed.
I decided to go with a short sale after agonizing over everything. I had half of my house packed up when I had family come in for my son's high school graduation. I found an apartment that would accept my dogs, which was great. I got packed up and moved out in June. The apartment just couldn't come close to holding all of my "stuff". I had to rent a storage room and store a lot of stuff at the BF's house. My dogs were stressed out, and not getting proper exercise. It was not a good situation for any of us.
My house sold in August, work was continually crazy, and I was out of control with my eating. I was having to buy bigger sizes of clothes. By July, I was back up to 200 lbs!!!
I had three fills by July and not really getting too much help from my band at this point. I was just so depressed about most things, but this really made me feel so bad about myself once again. Even though my BF kept telling me that I didn't need to lose weight, that I was beautiful, as is.......I didn't feel that way. I felt like a fat loser.
I really was feeling so bad for my dogs. Apartment life is not a life for a Golden Retriever. She was miserable. I tried to walk her as much as I could, but that left no time for me. Walking her wasn't what she needed, she needed to full on out run without her leash on. I took her to a dog park and she was scared to death of the other dogs and never left my side. I knew then that for her own good, I had to find a good, loving home for her. My other dog, the Schnauzer, would have been okay, but they were very attached to each other. So, I contacted a Golden rescue organization and set up the adoption for both of them.
My BF went with me to drop them off. OMG. That was such a horrible, sad day. I cried for weeks after that.
I got a fill in October that helped, but still didn't lose any weight. My fill level was pretty good at this point, but my mojo was gone. After dieting for so long, I had no will to keep dieting. I went to see my doc again in November. He actually insisted that I needed another fill since I could eat a small amount of bread. I wasn't sure if I needed a fill, and was so scared of going back to being too tight. I trust my doc and got the small fill.
Ever since then I have had super, great restriction. I have had some PB episodes and I definitely have to be careful with what I eat, how much and can't eat when I am stressed. So my band is back, and doing it's part. I am still not doing my part. Doesn't mean I can't start today. My band is waiting for me, ready and willing to assist. He just doesn't do much to cookies or chips.
So, I started 2010 weighing in at 170 and ended weighing in at 196. I guess I should give myself a bit of a break. This year has been a bad one. To gain 26 lbs total isn't all THAT bad. I am sure I can lose more than 26 lbs in 2011. I am sure of it. I just need to really work on the mental part of this now. I am a strong woman, I can do this. Happy 2011 to everyone!! Let's go out and kick this year's ass!!!