Lick it.

 BBGC
Represent.  Click the logo to check out the tee shirts, almost sold out.  
19 comments

Seven Years Post Op. And, 20 minutes you'll never get back.

Apr 05, 2011

Have I mentioned my loathing of the word:  surgiversary?  Or, any number of cutesy, made-up life after weight loss surgery words?  OR!  Naming your exercise equipment, bodily functions, body parts, personal noises or internal organs?   "Excuse Miss Pouchie Poo, She gets a little gassy when we ride on Peter, and sometimes she even pushes out a little pootinky."   /end 

But, I am getting off topic.  Not that I have a plan here, it's a HUUUUUUUUUGE ramble.  This might be the biggest rambling post I've ever written in one sit-down with no edits.

Forgive me if you have had any type of surgery, weight loss or otherwise, and do proclaim 'The Day You Had It Done' as a surgiversary and this is highly offensive to you.  I imagine other types of surgery might feel like a distinct celebration, as you have LIVED another year, you've beaten whatever was killing you.  

I do understand the feeling of "rebirth" after weight loss surgery.  

I just suppose that I didn't suffer so awful with obesity that "surgiversary" ever fit the description for ME.    FOR ME.   I repeat, FOR ME.  I never felt that way.   No.  Never.  I never felt like a "New Person!  A Whole Different Girl!  A Shade of Her Former Self!"  No.  Never.  I didn't want to be.  Fat was okay with me, if it hadn't been medically not okay -- so what?  I wasn't a fat-activist, but I see that I could have easily slipped into that.

I felt that weight loss surgery was a medical procedure, done to fix a problem, the problem was:  I WAS TOO FAT.  It was done, the problem was fixed.  No need for a big to-do.  No need to throw confetti every time I took a shit, lost a pound or wore a size ten.  It wasn't a big deal.  And certainly not fabulous.  Pissing out fat cells is not glamorous.

Each of us is different, each of us has a unique path before and after our surgeries, and my story is definitely unique and not finished.  That might also be why I struggle to define loss, and make things black and white, because life changes and nothing is forever.  (Have I mentioned my complete and utter loathing of the phrase "__ pounds gone forever?"  Well, there's that too, if you did not know.)  I will never say one hundred and whatever pounds gone forever!  I made the mistake of feeling cocky in my first year post op and was thanked with a lovely regain of "forever" lost weight.

I've been asked to put my "story" in a book.  I laugh at the notion, because frankly, I can't remember to shut off a faucet; pulling up details of the last seven years of my life might be a little more than difficult.

If you're not a long term MM reader, "Hi! I'm Beth, nice to meet you!  Cupcake?"  I had roux en y gastric bypass surgery on April 5th, 2004 at Tufts Medical Center, Boston, Massachusetts.  "Hi, Beth."  

Shortest possible rambling version:  My highest weight was 320 pounds at some point in the early 2000's after the birth of my third child.  I have four children, ages 13 to 4.   I was a chubby kid, but never huge.  I graduated high school at about 200 pounds or just under that.  I gained a lot of weight with my early and often pregnancies in 1997, 1999 and 2002, ending up at 320 lbs.  

"Why?"  I could fill blog posts with "why?"  

But, mainly, I learned to eat poorly when I moved out on my own with my morbidly obese husband. We were very very young and poor as hell; take out and easily prepared frozen and boxed foods became the easiest foods to purchase.  Our rent was $1000.00 a month, and Mr. MM was making little more than that in his retail management jobs.  One, at McDonald's Where I Would So Like a #1.

"No excuse, Beth."  

Sorry.  It's the truth.  Mr. MM had zero clue about nutrition, the boy ate little more than Little Debbie Cakes and take-out when I met him.  His habits of high sugared carbs slipped in my diet very quickly.  I didn't even know about singly-wrapped carbs of love! What are these wee confections?  

And, WHY do they cost just ninety-nine cents for a whole box?  WHO DOES THIS TO PEOPLE?  Food marketers.  They be sly.

It snowballed.  We both gained a lot of weight, very rapidly.  We could have been a case study for somebody, teenage parents with no money, what happens?  You can get fat.  (It could have been worse.  It could have been The Meth or something.)  This was before we had the internet, before we had much more entertainment than TV and "should we order pizza?"  Because thats what we did.  

Fast forward through some poor life decisions, and find Mr. at work one day, told that he will have a hard time getting anywhere or getting promoted if he didn't do something about his sloppy appearance.  He was floored, embarrassed, shriveled up and died a lot.  He wanted nothing more than to get ahead and provide enough for the family.   He would do anything.  He's never NOT had a job, since age 14.

Very quickly, we were both together in a weight loss surgery educational program, and both decided to jump head-first into this thing.  I know he was thinking quick-fix.  I was along for the ride.

We did it.  He let me go first, you know, just in case it didn't work and I broke, so he could back out.  

On April 5th, 2004, I had weight loss surgery.  I only wish I knew about blogging more in 2003 and 2004 because I am missing months of vital information that I would love to fall back on.  It's pretty much a big blur.  Mr. MM had surgery a month later, and the two of us were both nearly to goal by summer 2005.   I hit a low of 149 pounds from my surgery day weight of 298 pounds.

"Confetti."

I got pregnant in 2005 and miscarried, and started the fun of anemia.

I got pregnant again in very early 2006, and distinctly remember standing on the scale and seeing 176 lbs. I gained to 210 lbs. by the day of delivery from my low of 149 lbs.  Much of this was water weight, but I also had quite a bit of extra fat packed on.  (As moms tend to do, I am still blaming some of this on the 4 year old, and the 9 and 12 and 13 year old.)

During this pregnancy, which is sort of blogged about here, I became super anemic, developed serious reactive hypoglycemia, and some odd neurological symptoms that I called, "swooshes."  200792_182761388434944_105130816198002_430454_6561227_n  

I had a seizure on the birthing table after my daughter was born, but it was never diagnosed or confirmed, the doctors in OB unit thought I might have had a stroke.   (I only know now that the episode was likely a partial complex seizure, because I have them now.)

I became Dr. Google and self-diagnosed quite a bit of what was going on with me, and got confirmation from doctors later.  Googling yourself is dangerous, because we tend to find diseases we did not know existed, but sometimes it's the right one.  Turns out I did have reactive hypoglycemia, my blood sugar does a nosedive if I eat carbohydrates.  

Also, anemia, I will likely deal with this on and off for life.  Oral iron supplementation helps, but when it can't hold me up, I need iron infusions.  

Other issues crop up, go away, come back...

I lost most of the baby weight, and I was planning for reconstructive plastic surgery when my brain broke. I was at my plastic surgeon's office for a pre-operative check up, during Mr MM's post plastics check up, when I had a grand mal seizure.  Hit the floor, and the next thing I knew, I woke in the neurological unit of the hospital looking for my new plastics.  "Wait, they forgot the boobs."

Fast forward, I'm an epileptic.  

"Confetti."

Before you ask:  NO.  I have no confirmation that these events are connected to my gastric bypass.  I thought at one time that my brain didn't work because my pancreas works too well.  I blogged about that for posts and posts and posts, I also thought maybe I was missing some vital nutrient.  However, I would give you a kidney, part of my liver, lung, whathaveyou in exchange for DISPROVING it.  It is very difficult to NOT connect it.  Full disclosure:  my neurologist did find a section of my brain that is malformed, but I never had a seizure or neurological event (that I am aware of) until I lost 170 lbs with the aid of gastric bypass.  And, I'm not the only person with this phenomena -- so of course we'd like to see research  -- Thank You Large Medical Institutions -- my brain is yours for testing.

191757_182775855100164_105130816198002_430637_3932108_oThe first big seizure that I am aware of, hit January 2008, and I had several additional seizures in the months following, until I wasmedicated doped up enough to stop them.  The grand mal seizures stopped since taking Dilantin and other add-ons, however, I have simple and complex partial seizures too frequently to consider driving or working.


I quit driving for about somanymonths, and started again, and promptly drove into a tree last spring.  I no longer drive.  I no longer have a car/job.  You can thank epilepsy.

Which is why you see what you see!  Hello, MM!  "Oh no she didn't?"  

She did.  She had to.

This blog was in existence long, long before my "disability," but once I became a leper/hermit/housebound old lady, I had to utilize it.  

I physically qualify for disability income, but to get it I had to go back to work and earn more work credits.(That makes so much sense, right?  Tell a housebound epileptic with no memory to go to work.)  

Want to twitch?

So, what did I do?  I went to work for myself.  I am paying my own work credits, so that when I CANNOT work for myself any longer, I will have a measly few bucks to continue buying the groceries for a family of six.  It's a reality of someone with a neurological disorder.  Brains fail.  I could stop forming words and ideas tomorrow, and if a blogger makes income by blogging?  There goes that idea.  It's very difficult NOW to form a coherent flowing thought, I know how quickly it could fail me altogether.   

There's a huge blur of 2008-2011.  Damn near anything that happened to me is blogged here.  I bounced UP in weight dramatically at least once, I hit my highest non-pregnant high weight of 189 lbs.  I died and swore off the scale.  It was WAY TOO CLOSE to 200 lbs, and that is no-MM's land.  

"Why did you gain weight, Beth?"  

I ate too much.  Obviously.  My food choices don't really change, but my portions and how many times, DO.  And, if I don't pay attention, I can easily eat every 45 minutes. Also, during part of the time, I was driving again, I had access to instant-food and Starbucks.  And, SEIZURE DRUGS = WEIGHT GAINERS.  Fun!

I had some super epigastric pain and got an endoscopy, and while I don't have an ulcer, I do have "attacks" where it feels like I have something burning and sticking in my esophagus upper pouch, and it can hurt SO MUCH it feels like what is described as a heart attack.  (I found out later that this may have been pancreatitis flare ups.)

Fast forward, now it's 2011.  I have been "sick" with some undiagnosable (ironic) abdominal pain since December 2010.  I forced my bariatric surgeon into exploratory surgery on March 1, 2011, assuming that I had something wrong with my intestines.  He found nothing out of order.  Which is a good thing, however, the pain returned in part by week three post op.  

This, only serves to make MM feel like a hypochondriac.  Seizures with no cause, and several types of gut pain with no discernible cause.  But, remember!  "Nothing _______ as good as ______ feels!"  I think we need to rewrite that for the broken.

"Nothing would feel as good feels as good as healthy used to feels."

This kind of thing sucks for someone who is adept at doctor-avoidance.  I'm living on coffee, protein and easily-digested foods, because I wait for another attack.  Again, I am Google, MD, and I think I am headed next for a full-round of OB/GYN tests and perhaps some removals.  If that fails me, I suppose I start again, with a gastro-intestinal doctor.  All the while, the bills, they come.  "Hi, this is MM!  Buy stuff from my sponsors, it helps immeasurably, thank you."  

That brings us to now.  It's April 5th, 2011.  I am seven years post op.  I am 163 pounds.  I've been maintaining this weight for as long as I can remember in current history.  

"How do you maintain?  Seven years is a long time!"

It may not be what you want to hear, so either CLOSE YOUR EYES, CLOSE THE PAGE or WALK AWAY.  I don't need YOUR food guilt determining my calories.  This is my blog post, and you made me write it.

I eat whatever I want.  

That said, "whatever I want" is a very limited scope of foods because I am a reactive hypoglycemic, who'd rather NOT FALL INTO A COMA, HAVE A SEIZURE OR DIE while no one is looking.  This means, Cotton Candy?  It's TOTALLY RULED OUT.  I do have limits.  ;)  And, I don't eat cupcakes.  

It's a myth, much like unicorns who fart rainbows and glitter.   (That does not rule out Extra Dark Ghiradelli Brownies if you've made them.  I will have half of one.  I won't bake anything unless I'm forced to for family functions, but, I'm not against your brownie.  Anything extra-dark chocolate, feel free to send.  PS.  It's been too long since I've had a Extra-Dark Truffle, since before Christmas?  Thank you.)

I eat whatever I want within a reasonable range every couple of hours.  No big.  No drama.  It works for me.  I don't feel that it's necessary to make food a big deal.  I lost a lot of love for food when I HAD the RNY, and I am sort of glad it stuck.  I am not a foodie.  I am a food apathetic.  If you ask where I want to go to eat?  "I don't care.  Anywhere."  I can find something, anywhere.  

Food just does not matter that much to me.  Again, your path may be different, and that is okay.  

I have found that others do not respect my path, and say it leads to complete failure, so, do what is best for you.  Each of us learns at some point, what kind of triggers we have with food, and what we can and cannot handle.  

Half a sandwich is NOT going to send me back to size 28W.

For me, this works.  I am seven years post op, and still down 157 pounds.  And, I eat sandwiches. GASP!

Follow me -- as I lead you to the path of bariatric failure, it's lined with low-carb high protein bread, which "obviously" leads to Doritos, the powder you have to snort, and then we hit hard-core, injecting liquid donuts straight into our veins.  Then, and only then, can you Fail Like MM.

That said, because I must be completely honest: I still over do it.  I refuse to lie.  I am honest.  Photos don't lie.  Obviously, I'm still maintaining 'overweight.'   I'm okay with my size.  If I never changed from THIS SIZE, it's fine.  You don't need to be a size 0-6 to be a weight loss surgery success - newsflash.  In fact, "success" is technically defined by landing way higher than I did.  

But, for maintaining 163 lbs?  I blame my forgetful and snacky self, who tends to grab a piece of cheese (100 calories, every single time!) or the like and "forget about it."  Why?  I fail to SIT AND EAT meals.   

My choice foods tend to be protein heavy and calorie dense.  Tons of protein, meat, cheeses, whole grain carbs, soy, vegetables and fats.  I eat very little fruit (hypoglycemia and texture aversions) and veggies in piles only when I can tolerate them through the gut.  I have little bulk to my daily food, and lots of calories, so it's very easy to have too much.  (Who eats one ounce of nuts?!  One slice of cheese?!  Right.  Too easy.)  

I don't know how many calories I eat, but I am quite sedentary, and I've been maintaining this weight so long as I've had the gut-pain as well, without any real exercise, so I guess it's close to 1500 calories.  If I exercised, I am sure I'd tone up and whittle down to my low pretty fast, I'm only 14 pounds different thanmy VERY LOWEST POINT, at which I was walking 3-5 miles a day and eating jack schitt. 

It isn't the best situation, because I need to move my butt before it liquefies.  I know this.  But for now, as I get diagnosis-es, it works.  And, that's okay.

What now?    Taking over the wurldz.  With a broken gut and head, along with my broken BBGC's.

Right now, it's this:

New York, NY Apr 14 - Apr 16, 2011
Ethicon Endosurgery + Obesity Action Coalition...
Las Vegas, NV May 13 - May 15, 2011
WLSFA Event
Orlando, FL Jun 12 - Jun 17, 2011
ASMBS
Seattle, WA Jul 14 - Jul 17, 2011
Obesity Help Conference
New Orleans, LA Sep 8 - Sep 11, 2011
Obesity Help Conference
New York, NY Oct 20 - Oct 23, 2011
Obesity Help Conference

The original question was:  "Do you regret your weight loss surgery now that you're seven years post op?" I still can't answer that.  Like I said three years ago, ask me AGAIN at ten years.  

The weight loss surgery was a success, it helped me lose 170 pounds.  Done. 

172838_182752288435854_105130816198002_430301_1954104_o 

"Confetti."

That was the goal of the gastric bypass, no?  It wasn't meant to do anything else.  I didn't have any disease to cure by losing weight, I was averting future disease.  That was probably the right thing to do, regardless of HOW I lost 170 pounds, it was probably a good idea to just lose the weight.

If it were that simple?  It would be.  It isn't.   And, don't believe anyone who tells you it IS.

"It worked, and that's great, want one?  And for you?"

36180_149597538417996_105130816198002_237519_1114044_n 

8 comments


It's my day, and what have I got? A big sad face.

Apr 04, 2011

 

It's my day, and what have I got? A big sad face.

Listen to this article. Powered by Odiogo.com

March 23, 2004

Today is my seven year anniversary of my weight loss surgery.  *mini confetti party*  I made it.  (Post later.)

I'm walking in the Walk From Obesity on April 30th, that's 25 days away.  

I've got a team that is "this big."  I've got donations that are "this small."  I have a very sad.  

Last year I raised almost $2500.00 for the Walk.  (Also, the year before...etc.)

I just raised the equivalent of about $3000.00 in memberships for the OAC's Membership Drive last week.

I'm not doing too hot here.  

Don't make me sweat for no cause, kids. I don't sweat on purpose for ANY reason.  You don't think I am serious, I am.  *grin*  Add to that, I'm going to be sweating by myself, with my boo-boo.  *tear.

Please join me?  If you are local enough - do it.  If not - donate.   

Continue reading "It's my day, and what have I got? A big sad face." »

 
1 comment

We did it, THANK YOU OH!

Apr 03, 2011

 

OAC Membership Drive Giveaway Winners!

Picture 54

Click to enlarge, we sort of kicked BUTT!  WINNERS, INCLUDING THE WINNER OF THE VACATION LISTED BELOW!  (Yes, I promised I would give it away, and I did.  The winner tried to give it back to me, but.  NO.  LOL.)

Continue reading "OAC Membership Drive Giveaway Winners!" »

0 comments

About Me
24.7
BMI
RNY
Surgery
04/05/2004
Surgery Date
Mar 08, 2007
Member Since

Friends 1424

Latest Blog 4

×