Just a quick note to say hi to anyone who used to read my blog. I'd write a lot but I'll leave that for another time because I'm about to meet up a friend and hang out for a bit.

Yes, I'm alive even though feeling worse than ever. Aches and pains are increasing, losing weight without trying(I'm two years plus out, that shouldn't be happening but hey...I'M NOT COMPLAINING LOL), appetite is completely gone, daily day long nausea is kicking my ass and my heart is starting to do all sort of weird shit(about an hour ago my pulse went up to 108 and I was just in bed not doing anything...except feeling bad). Also my hair's been falling out now for about two months(I thought that was over and done with...geez...I don't want to go bald!!). Still working on getting some health insurance so no doctor appointments in the near future...bummer.

On a good note. I went back to school! I'm back at Keiser University finishing up my medical assisting diploma with an associate degree in science. At first I thought the stress from going back to school is what was making me sick but it's been about three weeks and some change since I started and I'm getting worse, not better.

FOOD + ME = SWORN ENEMIES.

It's a fact of life and I'm just going to have to live with it. I have come to the realization that I have practically gone from two extremes. Prior to surgery I was basically IN LOVE with food and now two years post surgery I am deathly afraid of it. I would have to say that food, calories, fat count, carb count, protein count and all that bullshit pretty much makes my whole day everyday. All I ever think about is: "What am I going to eat today?", "What CAN I eat today?", "How many calories are in that particular food?", "How many calories have I had so far?", "How many carbs/fat grams are in that cup of _________?", "Why is she/he eating that? There's like 2,000 calories on that meal alone!", "Okay, I have to keep my calories to 200 or less per meal to not get fat again!", "I have to find something I can eat that has low calories yet can satisfy me or is there a version of that with less calories? Fat free? Carb Free?"...and so on and so forth. I mean, I know in order to be successful with any type of weight loss you should watch what you eat but one thing is being diligent and another thing is being FUCKING OBSESSED!.

For example, today I went to Pollo Tropical and bought a bowl of steamed broccoli and carrots for lunch. Ate it, digested it(apparently) and got rid of it(do I really have to go into details? I'm sure you know what I mean!)...AND...even though those damn vegetables are as good as gone I can NOT stop thinking about it. Not allowing myself to eat anything else because I ate THAT. I want to eat something else(I didn't have any breakfast and have not had any protein which subconsciously I know I NEED!) but my mind is just overpowering me. All I can think about is that I'm going to get fat. I'm going to gain all 100+ pounds I lost. I'm going to be one of those failure stories that I read about every so often and cringe at the thought of...

Ugh, I don't know...I wish my head had some sort of switch I could flip off so my brain would stop overwhelming me with all these rushing thoughts, I need time to breathe.

Nope. Nothing.

Well, not really. It's only been three days but still...three days turn into four...then five...then six...and so on and so forth.

I've been too lazy to write everything that I've been eating everyday on here. I HAVE been tracking it on my actual food journal though. I guess I've been doing alright. Haven't gone above 1,000 calories, keeping an eye on my fat grams and carbohydrates. Trying to meet my protein grams quota but it's not as easy as you'd think. Specially when you're trying to keep all the other numbers low. Blah. This sucks, it feels like I'm just dieting like a person with normal inners would...

I'm not going to go there just yet. I have a huge "rant" post coming, I just need to find the perfect time where I can just sit here and let loose. It's coming though, so be prepared...

For those that don't know that's part of the lyrics for a SISQO song(the Thong Song). Not one of my favorite songs by any means but right now anything with the word "dump" catches my attention...

I am in fact dumping as I type this. It's not a big dump(hahaha...sorry, my immature side got the best of me) but a dump nonetheless. It's weird though, I just ate 3/4 cup of Special K Protein plus cereal, 1/2 cup of Lactaid fat free milk and three packets of splenda for taste. Something I've done twice before with NO side effects and now I'm dumping. Like five to ten minutes after I was done with it I started feeling real warm and my heart started racing. It's still racing a little bit and now I feel weak and sleepy. I dumped last night too on something I shouldn't have but that's a different story.

Yesterday was my cheat day. Yes, cheat day. I give myself ONE day a week where I'm not strict with my diet so I don't feel completely deprived and it gives me something to look forward to. I ate garbage(and lost two pounds today...I've come to the conclusion that you have to shake up your system once in a while to wake it up from what I like to call a "diet coma"(aka plateau)) and was fine all day. At the very end of the day I was craving something sweet but didn't feel like going out so I grabbed a sugar free pudding from the fridge. I have eaten those little bitches before, I add two tablespoons of fat free whipped cream just for pure joy and eat them and I'm fine. Well, last night about five to ten minutes(again) of having eaten it I started feeling the warmth and rapid heartbeat. This one was bad though, I also felt VERY nauseous and was shaking and hot/cold but sweating. I can't stand still when that's happening so I started pacing back and forth and then my legs started giving out. I was so weak I laid down and then got sleepy.

I don't know why I'm dumping like this now(I barely dump). Maybe my body is all out of whack because of the cheat day and now it's confused and thinks the good food is the bad food...ahhhh, if only that was the case...one can only dream...

Breakfast - small fruit bowl
                    (watermelon, pineapple, honeydew, grapes, strawberries)

Snack - 1 ounce light 100% natural string cheese
               1 piece of gum
               1/4 pack sunflower seeds

Lunch - 3 ounces chicken breast strips

Snack - 16 ounces Crystal Light lemonade
               14 pieces Gerber cheese snacks
               1 ounce light 100% natural string cheese
               16 ounces Crystal Light raspberry lemonade

Dinner - Eggbeaters scramble
               COOKED WITH:
               1 slice turkey bologna
               1/4 fat free shredded mozarella
               2 tbsp. fat free butter

Snack - 2 ounces light 100% natural string cheese
              Peppermint candy
              16 ounces Crystal Light fruit punch

Overall
Cals: 770
Fat: 24.5
Carbs: 48.5
Protein: 78.5

I ate like a pig yesterday. A healthy pig...but a pig nonetheless. It shows, I gained two pounds today...I am aware of the fact that weight fluctuates and I shouldn't weight myself daily but whatever...

...where the fuck is that castor oil????

Breakfast - Starbucks' Tall Mocha Frappuccino w/ light base
                     1/4 bowl Starbucks' Perfect Oatmeal
                     1 tbsp. brown sugar

Snack - Peppermint Candy

Lunch - 1/2 bowl Ham, egg, bacon, lettuce salad
               Lite ranch dressing

Snack - 16 ounces Crystal Light lemonade

Dinner - Eggbeaters scramble
               COOKED WITH
               1 slice turkey bologna
               2 tbsp fat free butter
               1/4 cup fat free shredded mozarella

Snack - 16 ounces Crystal Light Lemonade
               1 ounce light 100% natural string cheese
               4 ounces sugar free raspberry chocolate pudding
               WITH:
               2 tbsp. fat free whipped cream


Overall
Cals: 765
Fat: 33.5
Carbs: 52.5
Protein: 52                     

Breakfast - 16 ounces of Crystal Light lemonade
                     1 cup Special K protein plus
                     3/4 cup lactaid fat free milk

Lunch - Eggbeaters scramble
              COOKED WITH:
              1 slice turkey salami
              1/4 cup fat free shredded cheddar cheese
              2 tbsp. fat free butter
              2 tbsp. fat free cream cheese

Snack - 16 ounces of Crystal Light fruit punch

Dinner - 1 small fruit bowl
               (watermelon, pineapple, grapes, honeydew and strawberry)

Snack - Eggbeaters scramble
              COOKED WITH:
              1 slice turkey bologna
              1/4 cup fat free shredded cheddar cheese
              2 tbsp. fat free butter

Added up to:

Cals: 666(hmmm...)
Fat: 16.5(good day)
Carbs: 70(BAD day)
Protein: 59.5(eh...could've been better but oh well...)

Breakfast - 1 ounce light 100% natural string cheese
                   
Snack - 1 Peppermint Candy

Lunch - Wendy's mandarin chicken salad
               1/2 packet crispy noodles
               1/2 packet roasted almonds

Snack - 4 ounces sugar free vanilla pudding
              1 Peppermint candy

Dinner - Eggbeaters scramble
               COOKED WITH:
                1/4 cup fat free shredded mozarella
                2 tbsp. fat free butter
                1 slice turkey bologna

Snack - Pizza cheese & pepperoni
              ( Went to Jerry & Joe's with a friend and while he stuffed his face with a slice of pizza and 6 garlic rolls, I ordered a slice of pepperoni pizza and picked the cheese and pepperoni off and ate it. Didn't touch the bread at all whatsoever, also attempted to remove as much grease as possible...three whole grease soaked napkins later, I gave up lol)
              1 Peppermint candy
              
Totals:

Cals - 958(omg!)
Fat - 40.7g(hmm...)
Carbs - 67.5g(argh!)
Protein - 78(that's a lot better!)

I missed posting my food intake yesterday...eh, I didn't really feel like it. Plus, I bought a DietMinder Personal food and fitness journal from Barnes & Noble yesterday so it's easier for me to jot down everything I consume. I'm not around the computer every breathing/waking hour...

Breakfast - 1/2 tall Light Caramel Frappuccino @ Barnes & Noble
                
Lunch - 1/2 cup Egg Beaters scramble w/ turkey bologna and fat free 
               shredded cheddar

Snack - 1 Balance nutrition energy bar
               1 turkey snack stick

Dinner - 1/2 cup Egg Beaters scramble w/ turkey bologna and fat free
                shredded cheddar, 1 lettuce leaf

Snack - 4 ounces sugar free orange jello
               2 tbsp. fat free whipped cream

That all added up to 751 calories, 30 fat grams, 50 carbs and 63 grams of protein. I don't like these numbers...too fucking high but whatever, fuck it. I don't give a fuck anymore. If I lose weight I do and if I don't then who cares. I'm done caring...about anything and everything.

Yeah, so it is day two and blah, blah, blah...I'm cranky and starving. I tried(and believe that I succeeded) to make healthy choices. This is what I had today:

Breakfast - 1 ounce 100% natural light string cheese
                    Cals: 60  Fat: 2.5g  Carbs: 0.5g  Protein: 8g

Lunch - Avocado Salad Roll
              (bought it at the supermarket[Publix] when I was grocery shopping today. I'd been craving it for a while so I finally caved in. I don't know the nutritional facts for it and I tried to google it but I'm pretty sure what came up is not what I had so I don't know. The ingredients are: Tapioca paper, avocado, cucumber, carrots, red cabage, leaf lettuce. Sounds healthy right?)
               DIPPED IN:
               2 tbsp. sweet chili sauce
               Cals: 95  Fat: 2g  Carbs: 19g(omg)  Protein: 0
               1/2 small fruit salad bowl
               (bought it at the supermarket too, once again I don't know the nutritional stats for this crap either. This irks me, I like to know exactly what I'm putting in my body...ugh! It consisted of red grapes, white grapes, cantaloupe, honeydew, pineapple, watermelon and strawberry pieces)

Snack - 1 ounce 100% natural light string cheese
               Cals: 60  Fat: 2.5g  Carbs: 0.5g  Protein: 8g
               4 ounce cup of double chocolate/raspberry sugar free pudding
               Cals: 60  Fat: 1.5g  Carbs: 14g  Protein: 2g

Dinner - 1/2 cup Egg Beaters Southwestern Style
                Cals: 80  Fat: 3g  Carbs: 2g  Protein: 10g
                COOKED WITH:
                1 tbsp. I can't believe it's not butter fat free
                Cals: 5  Fat: 0  Carbs: 0  Protein: 0
                1 slice Oscar Mayer turkey bologna
                Cals: 50  Fat: 4g  Carbs: 1g  Protein: 3g
                1/4 cup Kraft free fat free shredded cheddar cheese
                Cals: 45  Fat: 0  Carbs: 2g  Protein: 9g

Snack - 1 ounce 100% natural light string cheese
               Cals: 60  Fat: 2.5g  Carbs: 0.5g  Protein: 8g

Somewhere in between I had a piece of gum and a peppermint candy so I guess add like 30 more calories or something. Right now I'm sipping on Crystal Light lemonade to try to not go and raid the fridge though I think that I might squeeze another snack before bed. I don't know. Blah...

I used the sauna suit today...and almost suffocated. Well, I'm exagerating but yeah, needless to say it works. I ended up sweating like a hooker in church after a thirty minute brisk walk. I would've walked more if it wasn't for the fact that I felt like collapsing at the thirty minute mark so I just took a shortcut home. I hate exercise, specially when my legs are killing me. On top of the twitches and cramps now my knees and ankles are starting to hurt too. Whatever...

I was going to post yesterday but then my friend got out of work early and wanted to hang out so I was like, "Hell Yeah! Let's do this!" lol...I ended up getting home at 1:17 in the morning with a killer headache(I'm thinking it either one of two things; soda/caffeine withdrawal or pms...can't tell!) that I tried to sleep off but I ended up getting up this morning with it even worse...I took two ibuprofens...yes, it was the only thing around and I don't fuck around when I get headaches so...save it!

Anyway, yesterday was my first day of going back to basics and this is what I had:

Breakfast - 1 ounce 100% natural light string cheese
                     Cals: 60  Fat: 2.5g  Carbs: 0.5g  Protein: 8g

Lunch - 1/2 cup Egg Beaters Southwestern Style
               Cals: 80  Fat: 3g  Carbs: 2g  Protein: 10g
               COOKED WITH:
               1 tbsp. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter fat free
               Cals: 5  Fat: 0  Carbs: 0  Protein: 0
               1/4 cup Kraft Free Fat Free natural shredded mozarella
               Cals: 45  Fat: 0  Carbs: 2g  Protein: 9g
               1 slice Oscar Mayer turkey bologna
               Cals: 50  Fat: 4g  Carbs: 1g  Protein: 3g

Snack - 1 ounce 100% natural light string cheese
               Cals: 60  Fat: 2.5g  Carbs: 0.5g  Protein: 8g
               4 ounces sugar free strawberry jell-o
               Cals: 5  Fat: 0  Carbs: 0  Protein: 1g
               2 tbsp. fat free whipped topping
               Cals: 15  Fat: 0  Carbs: 2g  Protein: 0
               1 piece of gum
               Cals: 5  Fat: 0  Carbs: 2g  Protein: 0

Dinner - 1 cup Progresso Light Zesty Santa Fe Style chicken soup
               Cals: 80  Fat: 1g  Carbs: 10g  Protein: 6g

Snack - 4 ounces sugar free chocolate pudding
              Cals: 80  Fat: 1.5g  Carbs: 19g  Protein: 1g
              2 tbsp: fat free whipped topping
              Cals: 15  Fat: 0  Carbs: 2g  Protein: 0
              1 ounce 100% natural light string cheese
              Cals: 60  Fat: 2.5g  Carbs: 0.5g  Protein: 8g

Overall I think I did good. No junk food, no sodas. Was I hungry? Kind of. I wanted to graze like a motherfucker but I stuck to snacking on string cheese and sugar free pudding/jell-o and drinking water/chewing ice. That added up to a total of 560 calories. Maybe not enough? I don't know, but I didn't know what else to eat to bring it up a little more. I'm going to go for now, this headache is killing me! :(

It's Saturay afternoon and I'm bored. Thanks to my "bitchy" mood I'm being anti-social today.

Hmmm, let's see...what else have I done today that I can talk about?...Well, I tried using the jump rope. That thing is hard core! You'd think, "What kind of exercise can you get from a string attached to two wooden sticks?" but let me tell you something. I did four sets of 25 reps(jumps) each and I was exhausted! Of course I'm totally out of shape and as healthy as a dog turd laying on the asphalt on a hot summer day but still. For a "beginner" that shit gets your heart going, your blood pumping and it makes you sweat. I can't wait until tomorrow morning(setting the handy dandy alarm for 4a.m.) so I can put on my sauna suit(I'm going out that early because no way in hell am I going out when there's sunshine outside looking like the garbage bag monster, plus I can't sleep anyway so instead of tossing and turning I will be walking and sweating!) and see what it can do. I feel all swollen, like I'm retaining a lot of water(yeah...chewing pounds of ice a day has noootthhiiinnggg to do with that....) or something so hopefully this can help me sweat it out and feel less puffy and achy.

I think I'm going to start using this blog as a food journal as well. That way I will be sort of accountable for the garbage that I eat on a daily basis. Soooo, let's start.......NOW!:

-Breakfast = Wendy's Sausage & Biscuit gravy
                       Orange Juice
*I don't even want to know the nutritional stats on that thing. I had gone out with my dad and he went to McDonald's for breakfast. I told him I couldn't eat anything from there so he asked me what I wanted. At first I said I'd just go home and eat there but then I remembered that Wendy's had that and I wanted it. I like the consistency, it doesn't make my pouch hurt. I skip the biscuit and just eat the gravy and bits of sausage. It came with hashbrowns, at first I thought about eating them, I even had one but then felt guilty and threw them away...same for the OJ, two sips and to the garbage it went*

-Snack = Red Mountain Dew w/ extra ice
*Oh no! I had an empty calorie filled carbonated beverage. BOOOO! Gas stations and their evil fountain drinks. In my defense, I fill the cup with ice to the very very very top(me and my ice problem, if you don't know about it read my previous entries) and then put whatever I'm drinking on it. It's usually less than a cup's worth and I never drink it all because by the time I'm done with the ice the drink itself is watered down and tastes like caca, but still...bad habit...must quit!*

-Lunch = Light String Cheese
                 Sugar Free chocolate pudding cup
*First healthy choice of the day...*

-Snack = Coke w/ extra ice
*You know, I thought about not writing this. Shame I guess. Another empty calorie filled carbonated beverage, shit. And I wonder why I'm not losing anymore weight.*

-Dinner = Scrambled Egg Beaters concoction thingy
*Second healthy choice of the day and it was delicious!*

Well, that's it for now. After seeing that, I'm not so pissed at the Wendy's gravy thing but the fact that I had those two drinks just upsets me. I NEED to stop drinking my calories. Plus, Crystal Light is the shit(good thing!) and I have two boxes(lemonade and fruit punch) just sitting on the cabinet. I will definitely start working on this issue a.s.a.p.

I didn't know what to put for the title so I just wrote whatever word came to mind. Of course it was "nauseous"...when aren't I nauseous???

Anyway, I've been slacking on the posts here lately but to be honest...I'm just not in the mood. I don't know what's going on. Still no period so I don't know if this is PMS or not but I'm at the very edge of a meltdown. I know I might not be the nicest person around but shit, before I would at least try to fake it. I'd be polite even if it meant going home and beating up the dog...no, I'm just kidding, I'd never hurt him, he's an old soul and his bones are probably dust at this point lol. Nowadays I'm to the point where I can't seem to control the rage growing inside my body. I guess, I'm just tired of not feeling well. Not being able to get any sleep because of my legs and arms being all I can think about and being miserable every single time I eat. Not being able to figure this whole situation out is killing me slowly. Mentally and  physically.

Anyway, I bought a scale yesterday. Yes, a good one. This one agrees with the other scales I had tried at the stores. This one doesn't lie to me and tells me I'm five pounds lighter when I'm not. Oddly enough I felt a weird sense of freedom when I didn't have a scale in the house BUT I just had to get one. Nobody knows me better than myself and I KNOW that I can not be trusted...

I went to WalMart this morning and bought a sauna suit(you know, those garbage bag things that make you sweat your ass off...literary) to use so I can double the calories burned when I exercise. I also bought a jump rope, lol, seems silly but I used to be a jump rope champion back in grade school. ha.

Well my laptop's battery is dying so I will be back later...or not...whatever...

I'm feeling real bitchy right now. I just wanted to post so that I don't make it a habit of not posting and then disappear for another year. I didn't do anything today...too crabby. I'm having these insane cravings for chocolate ice cream so I think I'm just going to get my damn period. I turn into Cruella de Ville whenever I'm PMSing so I guess it's a blessing that I had no sort of human contact today. GREAT! Whenever I get my period I feel like I'm going to collapse and die. I get so fatigued and dizzy. No wonder I'm starting to feel like I'm dragging ass. Oh well, at least I'm not pregnant...

P.S. Still have the twitches/cramps. Hair is still falling out. I'm also surprisingly constipated and experiencing some weird hot/cold sensations on my arms/legs...awesome...