I'm confessing because I want to hold myself accountable and because I know my BAF fam will give me a cyber asse whooping..which is something i really need....

Okay...here goes....I don't remember when the last time I took a vitamin was....(although i did just take a biotin, multi and calcium...as i type this) and I haven't been supplementing protein since about 2 or 3 wks out. I am exercising....but weight loss has stalled at 8 mo out. I know I'm still loosing inches, probably because I'm active. Still,  I'm not doing right by my pouch.

Lately I have been in a funk and haven't even been lurking on BAF until yesterday or the day before....I'm mad at myself for being so stoooopid and not living up to the promises I made to myself. I am doing myself sooo wrong. I have about 45 more pounds until I'm at my personal goal but yet I already see myself slipping back into old habits.

I was so gung ho and ready to take on this obesity demon just 8 mo ago....and now its almost as if I'm raising the white flag of surrender. I know that I can change things right now but its something with my mind and its like I know what I need to be doing but I can't get myself to do it....which was the mentality I had pre op. I knew that I needed to stop eating so much and that I needed to utilize my gym membership that I was paying for but not using....but i couldnt get myself to do it. I was in  a funk....had forgotten or maybe even lost my self worth.

I don't want to slip back into that. Tomorrow I am going to make an appt. with my therapist who I stopped seeing because I thought I had conquered this. I didnt know it was something I was going to be fighting for so long. Its not that I didn't know this journey was going to be hard....I just didnt know that I would be my own enemy. I didn't count on "relapses". Nobody told me that I would be fighting within myself. It's not even about food anymore. This is crazy....

My BAF post today.......

OK OK...I know..I know...I knew the boobs were going to leave post surgery. I mean I knew!! But I didnt have much to begin with so I figured can't be THAT bad....I've always used push ups and padded and underwired bras so I thought oh well....once I get to goal I'll use my "Will work for Ds"  (Or at least a nice round C) savings and get a boob job. BUT OH MY! I was just looking at some pictures from my bday weekend (BTW -CANCERS are the ish...ya'll) and I can't believe how non existent they are. I mean...I'm loving my slimness...but there is no change from the chest to the stomach...just straight down...AND the bra I had on was PADDED (might I also add I had two pairs of socks in each cup).....I also noted how during nookie sessions the bf no longer needs an entire hand to touch them just two fingers....but i digress......

LADIES I need some nice bras that will help me out....I've always gotten bras from the local tarjay, or wally world and never spend more than what like $19 (cause my mom...who had to have a breast reduction told me never to spend more on my itty bitties) but now they arent even itty bitties....there just....itty... I need some SERIOUS help...I'm not even sure what size I am. I need something that lifts and adds.......Where do you go? I need to be measured correctly. I heard lane bryant does that now? But (thank god) I havent been in Lane Bryant since surgery.

Oh BTW I went to the DR today and I've officially lost 103 lbs!!!! It makes up for the boobs.....really it does.

Ok....so i have been doing goooooood ya'll....high protein low carb, not eating much cause my pouch is a bit finicky...for a minute I thought they made it too small. Have never really "dumped" although I have had that "have u lost your mind trying to eat ALLLL that?!" feeling. But overall I think I have been doing a pretty good job following directions and stuff.......I am down abt 6 dress sizes and the last time I checked about 70 lbs. in the almost 5 mo since my surgery.....

So whyyyyy whyyyy is my pouch broke, now? I been snacking allllllll day today i did get the full feeling but it leaves after half an hour and im back to snacking. AND....AND this is the kicker....i ate some mf'ing girl scout cookies today...them damn coconut caramel ones....TWO....the fat biotch is coming back, I feel her knocking on the door. I so reversed back into my old ways today...thinking about what Im going to put into my mouth.....its so horrible because I was doing so well for 5 mo. and why the HELLLLLL did I not barf after eating that devil's food??? My pouch is broken......I'm sad ya'll I need some support....I'm not eating dinner  that fat heffa is not gonna get the best of me. I'm going on a water fast.......who was that who said they are doing an emergency protein train? Can someone send me the rules and regulations for that trip? 

 anyway...i'm rambling now. I just wanted to confess.....and ask for some advice and support..... because she is coming... 

I had my 3 month check up and weight wise I am doing pretty good....down 65.3 lbs since surgery...my bmi is 36.8 down from 45.7. My labs weren't so great...I am anemic so I was put on a new iron pill and apparently my potassium was ver very low..so I was put on a potassium supplement and I have to go to my primary care physician tomorrow for them to pull my blood again. 

Exercise wise I'm trying to do something every day whether its going to a gym, walking, playing a physical game, etc. Some days are better than others but thats my goal. 

I'm getting better at the whole thing.....the mental is still getting to me though, however I'm working on it ;o)

Still praying...