Man, I have issues...when will I get a handle on them?

I'm so Sad. I have the food thing under control- but the rest of me is a mess.

...and I know my triggers, but surprisingly I faired well and actually lost a pound.  I quit everything cold turkey like the Doctor said and it couldn't have been any worse timing if it tried...I have my period and that always wacks me out a bit! I did quit smoking awhile back but I started smoking just 1, then 2, then 3 and I got all the way up to 10 before I realized that I better figure out THAT trigger as well. It just goes to show you that when you have ANY KIND of addiction and try to beat it that sometimes it will sneak back up on you and you'll be in it's clutches before you know it! No wonder why people gain some of there weigh back! I guess when you let your guard down- BLAMO! The beast sneaks up on you again...

Lately, I've been getting lonely and my mind wonders back to the past. I miss being in love but I look forward to loving myself even more. I wonder to myself if I am just SO damaged that I won't be able to trust anyone ever again. If that's the case, I will surely drive anyone worth anything away...hmmm. I better work on this- but I don't exactly know how.

I think what I have to do is distract myself...like I do when I want to eat crap. Shitty food is not good for me, neither is a shitty man. HA! I called him a SHITTY MAN! I feel strangely better....I'm so MEAN, huh?!

Sooo...I saw "The Gate Keeper" (Dr. Askawf) at Kaiser today and he said I was a great candidate for WLS. That's the good news! The bad news is now I'm a diabetic...Boo!

I begin my classes on July 30th. My last class is January 8th, 2008 and if all goes well- WLS will be my 40th Birthday present BUT there won't be MARGARITAS on my b-day because the rules are: No Smoking, no funny cigarettes, no booze, no cake (sob)...no fun!!! Is it worth it? YES!!!!

I made the decision to take the classes so I can lose as much weight as possible before I have the surgey...so no DMHC filings on my part. The Doctor did tell me that they are looking into shortening the classes to 3 months- but that's unconfirmed.

After speaking with the Doctor regarding the classes, I think he has a really good point about being as well informed as possible before you jump into things. Granted- I've been researching the hell out of this but I realize that I do have to jump thru their hoops to get what I want out of them! Bottom line- I need to be under 300 lbs. to be successful (in my own mind) so I need this time to prepare (I was a Girl Scout remember? I always try to be prepared)!

So there you go- no more Kaiser tantrums...until the classes start!

On June 27, I have an appointment with the SURGEON at Kaiser who is refered to as "The Gate Keeper." He's the guy who decides who keeps going in this process and who doesn't.

I knew if I submitted everything they'd asked for right off the bat that I'd get called- but I didn't think it would be THIS soon! It paid off being a Girl Scout- I guess I'm always prepared!

Here's my fantasy- The Gate Keeper says "Ya know...I like you! I think that I'm going to let you bypass the 24 weeks of classes." 





HEY! I can DREAM, can't I?

dis·cour·age·ment     /dɪˈskɜrɪdʒmənt, -ˈskʌr-/ Pronunciation[di-skur-ij-muhnt, -skuhr-]  –noun

1.	an act or instance of discouraging.

2.	the state of being discouraged.

3.	something that discourages: Poor health and poverty are grave discouragements.

 4.   An act that you have to master before working in the BARIATRIC DEPARTMENT at KAISER
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Let's start from the beginning...
I parked in the wrong place- so I had to walk about 6 really Looong blocks (something I wouldn't have been able to do a few months ago). I entered the Health Education Center about 10 minutes late where I spied many people of various weights and ages scattered about. Some were smart enough to bring sugar laden fruit juices and sodas which they guzzled through out the seminar...I guess this was their way of saying, "See- I NEED this surgery because I drink this stuff..." But I digress...

One of the surgeons began to explain about the surgery, the aftermath, the potential problems, etc and then he explained how much you may or may not lose...He broke it down like this: If you weigh 300 lbs. at surgery, don't expect to get down to 120 lbs. You'll probably just get down to 200 lbs. and stay there. Some people lose more but after 2 years, they usually gain and keep the orignal 100 pounds off... (WHAT?!) There are some cases where a patient does maintain the weigh- but it's rare.

One of the potential losers asked why it took Kaiser so long to start doing WLS. His response: Kaiser doesn't just "jump" into surgery. We like to research it, see some results first, go over the data...(BULLSHIT)

Then the surgeon pointed out the 400 lbs. lady in the wheelchair, on oxygen- who feel asleep during the class and began to snore...See, that's SLEEP APNEA, he says as he tries to wake her up.

A chick from the department comes in and finishes up the whole deal...Here's what she said.
1) There are very few spots left for the Options Program starting this month- July 30. (3 or 4 people asked her to clarify being that it is JUNE and not July but she said twice. "I said the end of this Month- July 30)
2) Just because your sitting here doesn't mean you'll be accepted. You will have to submit your Questionaires and your diet records first- then we'll call you and let you know when your classes start. ( Lucky for me- I received the questionaire thingy in the mail so I got all my diet and exercise records AND attached pictures from January until Now showing my weight loss progress. Bet they didn't see THAT coming.)
3) Even if  you finish your classes, we still reserve the right to cancel your surgery at anytime 
4) If you miss more than 3 classes, you have to start all over again from the beginning.
5) If a class starts at 7, it really starts at 6:30 because we have to weigh you. (so why not just tell people to be there at 6:30)
6) Someone asked about Plastic Surgery and she basically said (and I'm not Shitting you) "That's YOUR problem."

Ok- so here it is in a nutshell regarding ME...
1) If I get picked for the next round of classes, they start either on the 30th of June or the 30th of July.
2) They will take 24 weeks.
3) After that, I get an appointment with the Surgeon who still may or may not approve me.
4) From there, I have to wait for a date...so from start to finish, this whole process will take about 11 months. SO add the 11 months to the 1 1/2 I waited for them to call the last time and you have a grand total of an almost 3 year wait. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING and SUCH CRAP.

I just might sue if I can come up with the money. If not, I'll have to jump thru the hoops. 

If you want the truth...the way the CHick from the Bariatric Department was talking, I almost felt like she felt that we were all failures and we didn't deserve to have the money spent on us for surgery. Then again...I could just be taking everything they say a little to close to heart because I'm just so disappointed with this crap.

(Heavy Sigh...) I almost don't want to do this anymore. The class did a real number on me.