I was lying in my bed last night watching an old movie and trying to unwind from the days bullshit...

and then I started to cry. AT first, I had no idea why but then I realized that I was beginning to mourn. What was I mourning for? I wasn't really sure at the time but as the night progressed into early hours- I started to see the light...

I first thought to myself- 
"How sad it is that you let food absolutely RULE your life."

Then I made the excuse that if I wasn't FAT, I wouldn't have felt like such SHIT for all those years and I would have been in control of my life AND I would have lost weight.  But I just couldn't succeed because I never did before....Another BUT I, strung together with more "But I's" followed....

Then I became angry. Truly ANGRY at myself.... "You blaime it on the food. You blaime it on your lack of self-esteem. You blaime it on your lack of finances. You blaime it on your failed relationships. You blaime it on the media?! When are you going to BLAIME IT ON YOU?"

As cliche'as this sounds...dawn broke through the rain clouds that morning and I truly did see the light (literally and figuratively).

Yes my friends- I cried all night and mourned what I did to myself and those around me. I listed my regrets and failures. I rocked back and forth with tears streaming down my face as all the pain and suffering I caused myself started to slowly disappate (not forever, mind you. Just for now).

I took RESPONSIBILITY for what I have done. For EVERY bite of food I used to soothe my emotions. For EVERY late night trip to the drive thru to "Show him that I don't care!" For EVERY extra helping of whatever, so I can make my family think that I'm well adjusted and loved and not to cause waves. For EVERY extra piece of pizza I ate because he told me that he LOVES ME the way that I am (chuckle- SURE you do).

I did a lot of work on myself last night and though I do feel better, I still have many late night self therapy sessions to go. What a cathartic experience to have at 3 in the morning! Last Night I worked on purging ONE END...tomorrow I LITERALLY work on purging the other. Good TImes.

Dear Food,
I'm sick of you. I want you to unhook that death grasp you have on me and just let go.

As of this coming Monday, I will have to find another way to calm myself. I will have to look elsewhere for comfort. I will have to find another source to ease the pain...and Im scared that I won't be able to do so.

I've been working on leaving you for quiet awhile now- but when I comes down to it...I've realized that I have many more battles to go before I win the war. Will my war against you ever stop? I hope it will eventually setting down and become just an occasional squabble. I really do.

Why do I feel like Im losing someone so near and dear to me? Why do I feel as if I should have many "last meals?!" Will I EVER consider food as just nourishment, not my saving grace?

I hope one day to break free...I hope that this surgery will help me acheive this...Im not EXPECTING it, mind you...Im HOPING it will.