Why do the bad guys always win?

Nov 16, 2011

I've been pouting around and crying all day and night since I wrote my last blog. I've enjoyed reading all the comments and I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. However, something hit me a few moments ago and I felt like I needed to share.

They are mainly holding the possibility of changing my surgery date almost as a form of punishment, or as a technique in strong arming me into therapy to make sure I take this seriously. They refer to it as tough love. I'm not feeling that right now. I will say that part of the reason I am being forced into therapy is because I was abused in the past. I'm not ready to say what, why or how but I was 19 and I didn't tell anyone for 4 years. I used food to stuff down my feelings and I'm at the point now that I feel numb to the whole thing.

I'm not ready to begin talking about it right now. My life just became turned upside down by this grant when I found out and that was 10/20.. Not even a month ago! Now you want me to work on serious emotional issues and hold the one thing that means the most to me right now over my head, my surgery date?

Who wins in this scenario? Mainly just my abuser. He took so much away from my, my sense of control, my ability to trust, my hope that true love exists. If you take my date away, it's because of him and he just gets to steal something else from me. I'm not denying that I need help, but what is punishing me going to accomplish? Why break me when I'm already so broken?

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