Here we go again..

May 06, 2013

It's difficult for me to write about this here but I feel the need to be open and honest about my journey even if it means being judged. My journey towards bariatric surgery became very public when I received the patient grant, and it was really embarrassing for me when it didn't work out. I received a lot of harsh backlash and I can understand why. It's hard to put into words what happened mentally for me to just give up such a beautiful gift but all I can say in my defense is that at the time I thought I was ready. It's taken this long for me to be honest with myself and realize that I just wasn't. Everything happened so fast.. I went from having no hope of ever having the procedure done to having a surgery date within a few weeks. I became overwhelmed, and when push came to shove I shut down instead of persevering and looking at the long term. I hit an obstacle and didn't keep fighting when I should have.  

I've realized that if I continue with this, if I try yet again to have bariatric surgery that I will end up hitting another obstacle at some point, whether it be in regards to the surgery itself or the actual weight loss. I can't give up this time. So much of the rest of my life is riding on this. I have a bad habit in my life of giving up on things when they became too hard. Whether it was dance class as a little girl, college as a young adult or just as recent as this failed attempt at having surgery. When things seem too hard, I give up. I have to break this cycle at some point. I'll have a pretty pathetic life if I never try to do anything worth wild because it just seemed too tough.

My quality of life is worse than ever. My migraine are as bad as they've ever been, a few weeks back I posted about how good I was feeling but that didn't last very long. Every time I think I'm feeling better, my migraines quickly remind me who is bossing my life.. them, not me. I've tried going back to work, I lasted two weeks before the pain became debilitating again. Losing the weight is the only thing I have not tried to help my head. I've lost some weight on my own, but not nearly enough to help. It's been four years and four months since my migraines started. I've had never limited relief in those years, most days were spent in excruciating pain. I've tried so many different medications, so many tests, been in the hospital countless times and the only shred of hope I have left at leading a normal life is if I drop a considerable amount of weight. So I'm going to try again, I've already found a surgeon in my new home state and I'm just waiting for my insurance to kick in on July 1st.

You might remember that I got a tattoo on my wrist of the word 'Hope', and I stare at it every day. It's what is driving me to continue on, even after this last failed attempt at surgery. And I hope one day to be on the other side, after surgery.. shaking my head at what a wild ride this has been.

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