I received so many responses yesterday that were filled with love and support, it really touched my heart. I realize the higher than normal amount of responses might have been because of the announcement in the November OH Newsletter and what I really don't want is for newcomers to my blog to think that I'm whiny and ungrateful for the wonderful gift I have received. I happened to be in a bad head space the past two days but I have not forgotten how unbelievably amazing the gift of this grant is. In fact, about a week and a half ago I had ordered a lithograph to hang in my bedroom that described exactly how I felt. Here is a photo of it hanging, it just arrived Tuesday.





Also, something I wanted to make clear is that my surgery date is still the same right now. There is just talk of moving it that is freaking me out. However, I am still holding out HOPE. (For those of you who haven't seen it, I suggest pressing play.)



So thank you all again for your support, and I hope you keep following!

I've been pouting around and crying all day and night since I wrote my last blog. I've enjoyed reading all the comments and I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. However, something hit me a few moments ago and I felt like I needed to share.

They are mainly holding the possibility of changing my surgery date almost as a form of punishment, or as a technique in strong arming me into therapy to make sure I take this seriously. They refer to it as tough love. I'm not feeling that right now. I will say that part of the reason I am being forced into therapy is because I was abused in the past. I'm not ready to say what, why or how but I was 19 and I didn't tell anyone for 4 years. I used food to stuff down my feelings and I'm at the point now that I feel numb to the whole thing.

I'm not ready to begin talking about it right now. My life just became turned upside down by this grant when I found out and that was 10/20.. Not even a month ago! Now you want me to work on serious emotional issues and hold the one thing that means the most to me right now over my head, my surgery date?

Who wins in this scenario? Mainly just my abuser. He took so much away from my, my sense of control, my ability to trust, my hope that true love exists. If you take my date away, it's because of him and he just gets to steal something else from me. I'm not denying that I need help, but what is punishing me going to accomplish? Why break me when I'm already so broken?

That's the date that I didn't have gastric bypass. That's the date that I drove everyone crazy at work about trying to rearrange schedules so I could take two weeks off. It's the date I set my sights on as the very day that would change the rest of my life. After that day I would become a different Jennifer, a smaller version of me that could do so many things that I've never been able to do before. I had finally found HOPE. And then I got the call that I couldn't have that date, I couldn't have any date. I wouldn't be changing. Then my life fell apart. I lost all HOPE. There was not going to be a new Jennifer. I was going to be stuck with the regular me that I grew to hate and despise. There was no new future to look forward to. Everything looked bleak. I walked around for three years feeling that way, as though there was no real future for me. I couldn't really plan much because what was there really for me to do? Thinking of things for me to take up in college were difficult because jobs that I wanted to go into required physical activity that I just couldn't do. Meeting a significant other? Forget that. Who could love me when I hated myself so much? So that knocked out really a real family of my own. I knew I'd eventually adopt one day but could I really run after my kids? Everything was riding on November 10th, 2008.

Now I have a new date, December 19th, 2011 received in the most amazing way possible. However, there has been some talk of pushing back my date since my psych clearance appointment. I've been mandated to therapy prior to surgery, and when I saw Sophia at Dr. Buchin's office after speaking with the person who is doing my clearance she wanted to push back my surgery. I immediately started crying and begging and had to agree to attend therapy after surgery as well. Now I'm on edge. I'm crying myself to sleep because I'm so afraid of losing my date. I don't care if they replace it with a new one. If they were to take away my date in any form I will be broken. I'd be shattered. I cannot lose my date again. All my HOPE is riding on this particular date. I imagine all the changes in my life that will happen AFTER this DATE. I cannot express how important this is to me. I'm crying hard just as I write this at the mere thought of having it taken away.

I tattooed the word HOPE on my wrist for a reason. If my date was changed, it would break me. It would erase all my hope again. How would I know the next date wouldn't be moved? And then moved again? And then I'd be running in circles and never truly get surgery, or if I do.. when? Months from now? My migraines are KILLING ME SLOWLY. I just so a neurosurgeon to have migraine surgery. I could be having migraine surgery but I got chosen for this grant and since the neurosurgeon recommended bariatric surgery first I decided to postpone neurosurgery until I see if bariatric surgery helps. I cannot wait forever. I am in horrible pain every day. So many things in my life have been taken away. I can't bare anymore. I'm being forced into therapy because I haven't dealt with certain really important issues but what didn't come up is how many loved ones I've lost by death, how many friends I've lost, I'm always losing things that are important to me. Just like I lost my surgery date last time. I simply cannot go through it again.

The title and video say it all.

This journey although not that long so far inspired me to get a new tattoo so I never forget how awesome this feeling is. Here is a video my best friend and I took of the experience. I hope you enjoy! A special thank you to True Blue Tattoo for fitting me in on such short notice.