It's difficult for me to write about this here but I feel the need to be open and honest about my journey even if it means being judged. My journey towards bariatric surgery became very public when I received the patient grant, and it was really embarrassing for me when it didn't work out. I received a lot of harsh backlash and I can understand why. It's hard to put into words what happened mentally for me to just give up such a beautiful gift but all I can say in my defense is that at the time I thought I was ready. It's taken this long for me to be honest with myself and realize that I just wasn't. Everything happened so fast.. I went from having no hope of ever having the procedure done to having a surgery date within a few weeks. I became overwhelmed, and when push came to shove I shut down instead of persevering and looking at the long term. I hit an obstacle and didn't keep fighting when I should have.  

I've realized that if I continue with this, if I try yet again to have bariatric surgery that I will end up hitting another obstacle at some point, whether it be in regards to the surgery itself or the actual weight loss. I can't give up this time. So much of the rest of my life is riding on this. I have a bad habit in my life of giving up on things when they became too hard. Whether it was dance class as a little girl, college as a young adult or just as recent as this failed attempt at having surgery. When things seem too hard, I give up. I have to break this cycle at some point. I'll have a pretty pathetic life if I never try to do anything worth wild because it just seemed too tough.

My quality of life is worse than ever. My migraine are as bad as they've ever been, a few weeks back I posted about how good I was feeling but that didn't last very long. Every time I think I'm feeling better, my migraines quickly remind me who is bossing my life.. them, not me. I've tried going back to work, I lasted two weeks before the pain became debilitating again. Losing the weight is the only thing I have not tried to help my head. I've lost some weight on my own, but not nearly enough to help. It's been four years and four months since my migraines started. I've had never limited relief in those years, most days were spent in excruciating pain. I've tried so many different medications, so many tests, been in the hospital countless times and the only shred of hope I have left at leading a normal life is if I drop a considerable amount of weight. So I'm going to try again, I've already found a surgeon in my new home state and I'm just waiting for my insurance to kick in on July 1st.

You might remember that I got a tattoo on my wrist of the word 'Hope', and I stare at it every day. It's what is driving me to continue on, even after this last failed attempt at surgery. And I hope one day to be on the other side, after surgery.. shaking my head at what a wild ride this has been.

Hi everyone, It's been almost a year since I've updated my blog and a lot has gone on! I moved to Florida on August 1st 2012. I love it here, and definitely glad that my mom and I made the decision to leave New York. The biggest reason is because I have been steadily losing weight since we moved.

When we moved I gave up take out, then slowly starting taking things out of my diet to try to improve the amount of migraines I was getting. I had to give up canned foods, lunch meats, and aged cheeses (especially hard since we all know I love pizza!). I walk the dog a few times per day, and the big thing is that I got off steroids! I look back at the first video I posted and my face was so puffy from them.. not anymore! I've lost about 25 pounds or more (not sure of my highest weight) so far and went from a size 26 pants to a size 20! I can't believe the transformation! I haven't been this small in 7 years.

Here is a side by side photo comparison, I don't have any photos from when I was at my highest weight so the before photo is from 2011, and the now photo I took just last week.

I hope all is going well for the rest of you, and hopefully I'll update more soon!

 

 

Today I found out that I am now a diabetic. I haven't started treatment yet because I'm waiting for the endocrinologist to send over the test results before I go to my primary physician. Now, I posted on my Facebook that I was diagnosed. It wasn't a complaint, merely just sort of an 'update' since I had posted about going for the glucose test. Was I surprised? Yes and no. My maternal grandmother had it, along with both of my fathers parents both who were insulin dependent. Plus, I am obsese. It shouldn't shock me that the weight and my genes have caught up with me. Had I gone through with the therapy and the surgery, I would be traveling down a different road right now. I never would have gotten the diagnosis and I'd be much lighter. The thought of that makes me sad, but hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

Part of me will always wish that I went through with the surgery. It's hard for me to look back at my video blogs, or sometimes even at my tattoo because I was so so excited and thrilled about the journey I was taking. I was given this beautiful gift and I just couldn't stop smiling. The fact that all that hope and happiness is gone is sad to me. BUT, I know in my heart that I haven't given up. I know once my medical insurance changes next year that one of the first things I will be doing is trying for bariatric surgery again. I will not give up, I may just have to take a very long and sometimes really painful road.

I did want to share something that someone emailed me on Facebook though. After I posted about being diagnosed, this person decided to tell me I should have had the surgery. Talk about kicking a person when they're down. Don't you think that's the first thing that went through my mind when I found out the results? She then proceeded to email me this lovely gem:

"There is no constant mentioning it.
This is only the second time and i think you were an ass to give up a lifetime of an opportunity that someone else could have used just because you refused therapy. WHATEVER. Obviously now you want to complain about your illnesses that you could have gotten rid of for good. GOODBYE."

The said person also left a comment on my wall where she called me a jerk as well but then deleted it. Is this the kind of community that OH is? If you DON'T get the surgery you're automatically an idiot? Aren't we all here to SUPPORT one another regardless of what has happened? I'm just sad that this person felt the need to say such things.

AND, just to be clear.. When I gave up the surgery, the FIRST THING that I said was "Give it to someone else who needs it.", I don't know what is or has gone on with the process but I do hope that someone else gets to benefit from that great gift that I was going to receive. Selfishly, I do wish it was still available to me but I can't expect it to be because of the way that I behaved.

I said in my last blog post that I didn't regret my decision. I can't say that so whole heartedly now that I have diabetes but I also can't dwell on the past and depress myself. I can only look at it this way.. If it was meant to be, it would have happened and that's all. I wasn't ready to talk about the abuse, and I'm still not sure if I ever will be.

As for my journey to become a mother.. pregnancy doesn't seem like a smart idea right now so I am beginning the process to adopt. I start the classes to complete a homestudy next week and the process should take about 2-3 months. I'm looking at older children as they are just waiting to be adopted and to find a forever family and I have the capability to love a child that needs it. I don't care how old the child is, or even if I have to adopt siblings. I want a family, and I'll make sure someway or how that it will happen.

I keep getting questions on Facebook about how I am doing post surgery and I thought I should just address it in a blog post so I don't have to keep answering the question over and over. I appreciate all the interest and good thoughts being sent my way but I did not have the surgery. If I had, I would be blogging like crazy about my journey but unfortunately it did not work out.

From my older blog entries you know that there was an issue with the psych clearance, they wanted me to go for therapy, etc. It's my own fault that I didn't have the surgery because I refused to go for therapy. Do I regret this decision? No. I believe that certainly everyone, especially bariatric surgery candidates could benefit from therapy but I didn't agree with the reasoning behind why I "needed" it. If I had dreaded up the past, it would have only increased the scars from it more and empowered the person who abused me. I will absolutely never let that person have any power over me again and if it takes prolonging my journey towards bariatric surgery again, then so be it. At least I will be able to say I did it on my own terms.

And yes, I did say that my journey is not over. I will be changing my medical insurance July of next year, and I know for sure that they do cover it. You are probably wondering.. Won't they just try to get me to go for therapy as well? I don't think so. I had gone for a psych eval when I was trying to get the surgery covered back in 2008, said all the same things and I was passed without a question. I do believe the person who I went to this time for psych clearance was trying to be TOO thorough, and they could have said that I could benefit from therapy AFTER surgery which I would have gone to because I know it's not easy post-op and I probably could have used it to help me deal with the extreme lifestyle change.

I don't think that this reflects negatively on Dr. Buchin whatsoever. He was trying to do his best to ensure my outcome would be the best it could. He and his staff were wonderful to deal with, and I wish things would have worked out differently because I know I would have been in very good hands.

What are my plans for the immediate future? I'm attempting to become a mother. When I was 24, I began the steps to try to foster to adopt but it became derailed by family emergencies and things that happened afterward. It just stopped feeling like the best time to proceed. The yearning to become a mother has never left, and in fact it has become increasingly hard to ignore since. Aside from being a thinner version of myself, what I want most out of life is to be a mother. I was raised by my mother (who became a single mother after my father died when I was four) and by my grandmother so the idea of being a single mother doesn't feel so foreign or difficult. I was brought up with tons of love, I was spoiled rotten and I wanted for nothing. I couldn't have asked for a better mother or grandmother and I hope my child can say that of me one day. I do live with my mother, so my child will have my love as well as hers.

I was recently diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which will definitely be helped by weight loss so I am going to try to lose some weight on my own while I work with my reproductive specialist to become pregnant. If it can't happen, I will go back to trying to adopt. And then when it's time for my medical insurance change, I'll attempt the path of bariatric surgery again so I can be healthy enough to chase after a toddler. :)

Anyway, this won't be the last that you hear from me.. I'm sure. I wish all of you great success in your weight loss journeys and I hope to see you on the other side (the post-op side!) one day!

Today is my first day back on steroids for a week due to my migraines. I love that they break the cycle of pain that I'm in but I really hate that they turn me into a starving lunatic. At some points even my mom starts to look appetizing. Now the dosage is not as high as what I've received in the hospital before but maybe because I usually feel pretty hungry most of the time it just makes it worse. I'm really worried about what this will do to my diet. I've been very good, I'm just afraid that once you mix in these pills that all my rational thoughts are going to go out the window LOL. It's only one week, I know I can make it through! I just need to find healthy alternatives to snack on instead of looking at my mom and the dog as possible meals. Any suggestions are welcome!