__ Please visit my real blog. http://www.pentecostalmitch.com
I post there very regularly, but this blog is something the OH community can probably help me with.
__

I hesitate to write this blog because I'm not sure how to convey everything I'm feeling tonight, and I'm so sure that this is only the beginning of me trying to figure this out, but I can't sleep and writing is one of the only ways I know to help me get my head on straight. So after much deliberation, I'm warning you that this blog could be very long and may not be very comprehendible. Before I launch into all this, let me give you a story that's not about me.

I recall the first time I saw my Aunt 'Neicy after her gastric bypass surgery. She had lost so much weight that I didn't recognize her, but after my cousin pointed her out, I watched in amazement at how she moved. Here she was, as skinny as anyone else in the room, but the way she clapped her hands and swayed in church - it looked out of place. I was distraught by why she looked strange; not just because she had lost so much weight, but because her actions didn't quite fit. Then I realized she was clapping her hands like a fat woman. In huge long strides, I watched her elbows come back half way around her body and then spring forward until the palms of her hands touched; and then I noticed that the swaying was because she was shifting her weight from one foot to the other - but none of that was no longer necessary for her! The stomach that once existed, requiring her to open her hands to such an expanse to clap - it no longer hindered her. There was no excessive weight tiring her feet and no need for her to switch her weight so much, but she still did these things out of habit. The actions did not fit her new body.


 
This picture was taken in June and you can already tell how ill-fitting the suit and shirt are. Two months later, the changes are even more drastic. This is the subject of my blog. Nothing fits.

As you can imagine, with one hundred fifthy three pounds of me down the drain, my body is changing dramatically. Being a conservative Pentecostal, I won't be stripping down to show you the great changes happening (and pray that I never do), but I can tell you that the changes are so dramatic that even I am perplexed by them. The face that has appeared out of that hideous mass of blubber I used to look at in the mirror everyday (see picture to the right). The stomach that, though still very prominent, does not enter the room long before I do and also is much easier to move and adjust.

Turning over in bed no longer requires a moment to get my gumption up, and ten moments afterwards to catch my breath. My feet, the huge elephant feet that I still despise so much, can now fit into certain flip flops, and I've actually let them be seen in public for the first time in ten years or more. My chest is flatter, though it hangs sadly much lower than it should (surgery will fix that eventually), my fingers are narrower and seemingly longer, my legs look skinnier - almost like they're too small to hold my still huge frame.

My neck! I have a neck! And not only do I have a neck, I can feel my Adam's apple, and when I swallow, you can see the veins in my neck. As I flex various muscles in my body now, I can see evidence of them! Of course, I'm no John Cena, but they exist! I have to tighten my iPod armband when I'm in the pool - so much this past week that I was getting annoyed. Last week, I lost my pants to the floor twice. I can no longer wear a shirt tucked in without a jacket because my pants bunch so much on the sides that my boxers show. Every shirt I have is affording me 4-5 inches of extra neck space, and the shoulders of all my jackets sag sadly to my sides, while everything else just kinda hangs off of me, luckily being held in place by some rigged belt, clever manuevering, or just sheer will power.

Stuff just doesn't fit right anymore.

And that's such a profound statement right now, because it not only applies to my clothes and my physical body, it applies to my life on every last level. Just as the suits that fit me so well just a few short months ago now barely hang off of me, so many things in my life that were 'me' just a few months ago feel so unnatural and out of place in my life today.

And I can honestly tell you that nothing has ever scared me like this does.

My personality, my relationships, my attitude, my thought processes, they're all changing! I'm losing me in a way I never knew possible. All the while, I'm gaining a me that I always knew existed somewhere. I used to joke that there was a skinny Mitch inside me clawing his way out, and bless God, he's winning these days! I never had any idea of how much different he would be than the me I've built over all these years.

I good writer would give you great examples right now of the changes I'm noticing. He would detail the struggles and the differences that I'm talking about, but more than being a good writer, I have to be true to myself - and the changes that are happening are scary to me. I'm not so sure yet if I'm proud or ashamed of myself.

Just being honest.

Vaguely, I can tell you that I am no longer a selfless person. It's much easier these days to put myself in front of you, think about myself first, and say no when folks ask things of me that I think are too inconvenient for me.

I can tell you that how I feel about other people is changing. I have less tolerance for people who refuse to look at other viewpoints; who would rather be blindly dogmatic than to be sensibly objectionable about life.

I can tell you that I'm more comfortable socially than I've been in a long time. I am enjoying attention that I've never received. Compliments, flirts, come-on's. It's amazing to me that at first I didn't even recognize when some pretty girl was flirting with me, and though I'm not a playboy by a long shot, the attention is really awesome and I'm enjoying it.

And let me preface this next vague explanation with a disclaimer. I believe and try my best to live my life by the Bible. I also am very well that this Bible forbids sex outside of marriage; and I have no qualms telling you that I very much try to abide by that. My track record in this department is not spotless by far (wow, I just admitted that in public), but relatively speaking, I don't have a lot to be ashamed of. (Again, I won't get into how relevance doesn't justify sin.) However, this department is changing for me, too. I mean, when you're not completely repulsed by what is happening with your body, and when the pretty girls flirt, the lights kinda come on. haha. And though I haven't been out playing the field and running the bases (I leave all that for Matt), just feeling comfortable with being close to someone of the opposite sex and enjoying the fireworks. It's kinda amazing when you've spent several years convinced that no one could be attracted to you.

This subject is not over by far; and I've barely skimmed the surface of how I'm feeling. It no longer fits. The self-loathing, the detrimental selflessness, the reolve to just get through life even if I'm miserable, the fear of rubbing others the wrong way,  idea that I could do what makes MITCHELL happy being an unthinkable, repulsive offense. None of it fits quite right anymore. And though, as with my physical attire, I seem to be trying to hold onto it and pin it up, or tie it down, and just hang onto it somehow, I can't escape the inevitable. It no longer fits and it's gonna have to be thrown away. I'm going to have to get new clothes, I'm going to have to get new relationships, new attitudes, and a new personality.

And I'm terrified. What if six months from now, the Mitchell in the mirror is someone who is unrecognizeable? Will he still hold my core values; will he still maintain the same convictions, will he still be respectable and honorable? Will he be an effective witness? Will he be a good minister? Who will he be?

I know that sounds crazy to you. I know you could never imagine me changing that dramatically, but I am worried. I see the things I'd never show you; and serious, extremely deep, and life-altering changes are happening to me in front of my very eyes.
Pray with me, that the new Mitchell will be respectable, honorable, sincere, loving, and kind. Pray that the fruits I've worked to develop will still be there, strengthened perhaps, by the emergence of a new me; a stronger me; a more effective me.
Because there's one thing for sure. You've not heard the last from this new Mitchell.




 

I would love to invite you all to my real blog, www.pentecostalmitch.com to see the transformation this far. The animation is really quie amazing.

Feel free to bookmark my real blog to keep up with me. I've lost a total of 147 pounds since January, with all of it but 50 pounds having been lost in the last 3 months since surgery.

I am one very happy camper.

Today was my first real day out and I decided to head to the church to see if I could help out with the youth group's fund raising for our annual 'Camp Good Spirit.' They decided to have a car wash/bake sale and I knew it would be lots of fun to hang out with the gang and it was an awesome day. (Pictures in this photo album.)

We had loads of fun, I even got into washing a car before I got called out by some concerned folks who decided I wasn't quite ready for that. Haha. I still got sprayed more than once with the water hose. They were BBQ'ing hamburgers and hot dogs and it smelled soooo good but I behaved myself and just kept drinking my water. When I got home, I ate what I was supposed to eat; though I brought BBQ home for the family.

It was a fun day of hanging out with the young people, who I love so much. Everyone was so excited to finally see me and there were lots of compliments on how I looked and everyone said they could tell a difference already. It made me feel wonderful. I knew I'd feel that way, though. I have the greatest church family in the world. I know I'm loved, appreciated, and I know that I have a WHOLE BUNCH of folks I can always depend on for support. (Posting a video, too.)

 

 

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Bw_UWxYV3Ws

I wanted to go to church last night. It didn't happen because one of my incision sites is still draining pretty bad and I was really sick at my stomach. The nausea is almost a part of life right now. I am on three different medicines for it but it still comes and goes in waves. I've been lucky not to throw up even once, but when it hits, it is very uncomfortable and I always think I am going to hurl.

So I didn't go, but the point is that I've learned from recent experiences to always try on my clothes before hand. I went to my closet and pulled out the grey suit I bought for Easter. I had just worn it the week before surgery. I threw on the jacket and buttoned it. Lo and behold - the buttons came a good 3-4 inches from my chest! It fit fine days ago but now it hangs lazily off of me and I'll be lucky to get to wear it a handful more times before I have to toss it aside or sell it on ebay.

I went to get another suit jacket, one that I had bought about a year after moving here (2003). I couldn't believe my eyes. The thing fit! It actually fit! The bottom two buttons were snug, but since it's a five button jacket, there's no need to button them. If only I could find the pants for it! I'd also did that thing. . . there was a dress shirt that I couldn't quite fit into but it was on clearance for either 9 or 12 dollars. Even the cheapest dress shirts in my size cost at least 45-50 bucks, so I grabbed it in anticipation that perhaps I'd one day fit into it.

Well, Saturday was the day. And at this rate, I better hurry and wear it before it gets too big as well!

So these are good things. They keep my mind off the eating and appetite changes. It's much easier to ignore the food on the stove when you can go to your room and try on clothes you haven't worn in years - and they look good on you again.

I've also decided to add a couple of things to my fat boy wish list. I've always wanted to go to a Vols game, but I never have because of the walking required and then the concern of climbing stairs and actually fitting in a stadium seat. It dawned on me, however, that I will soon be able to go! Hopefully this year, but if not, definitely next year. I've lived in Knoxville for five years this month and I've never once been to a Vols game. So I'm adding that and one more thing to my list:

- Go to a Vols game.
- Ride a roller coaster again.
- Throwing my seat belt extender away.
- Utilizing another seat position in my car than all the way back and tilted.
- Hopping in someone else's car to go somewhere without worrying.
- Riding an airplane.
- Going to Wal Mart and buying cheap boxers or socks.
- Shopping for my clothes at a real mall and not the Big/Tall Store or online.
- Having a pair of shoes that aren't warped out of shape within 6 months.
- Standing up in the pew at church without having to discreetly lift my stomach over the top of the back of the pew in front of me.
- Not cringing when I see a picture of me beside another human being.

5-9-08
Weight loss since surgery: 48.5 lbs.
Total weight loss: 98.5 lbs.

I just got back from my two week check up and I seem to be doing well. I've lost 48.5 pounds in 16 days. It's so astonishing. This surgery has given me in two weeks what took me 4 months to achieve before. I'm very close to hitting the hundred pound mark. It used to seem like such an impossible feat and here I am seeing it happen before my very eyes. It's all very surreal, but it sure eases the emotional stress of changing my life.

Furthermore, the doctor warned me that my body is going nuts metabolically. The systems think they are starving to death - though he assured me I am not and the weight loss is perfectly safe. Hence the nausea, uneasiness, blood pressure spikes and drops, and of course the emotional roller coaster. Let me tell you, this ride is crazy.  I no longer feel like I regret what I've done. It sucks at times; not eating is hard but even since I've been allowed to eat mushy food, my appetite is changing and I get really nauseated at certain foods really easily. It's very different than my old eating habits. An ounce and a half was just a bite for me 3 weeks ago - today it is a full meal.

My clothes are falling off, I can see a difference already, and I'm hoping others will too when they see me. In six months, I will probably be over half way to my goal and that prospect leaves me speechless. The weight that I've felt so helpless against all my life is melting off; I'm finally winning the war. I'm working through the stress of it all, but the important thing is that it's finally happening!