ObesityHelp

Today I was looking at the calendar and realized my surgery date is creeping up quicker than I expected.  I am getting really nervous.  All I have done today is question the whole idea of surgery.  Do the risks outweight the benifits? Will I be successful? Do I need to give myself more time to lose it on my own? I really know the answers to these questions or I would not have gotten this far. I know this is fear talking.  Just feeling a littel overwhealmed today.  I want to be happy and healthy and the only way I see to do this is to have the surgery.  On the other hand, my husband married me fat and although we had the "I will love you no matter what" conversation, some things he said made me worry a little. He said when I lost weight with the sleeve I lost my breasts (I didn't have much to lose, but he is right). Although I did not with the sleeve, he worries I will lose my buttocks, lol. And he has verbalized concern for the saggy skin.  He says he is worried it will make me just as self conscious as being overweight.  I guess after 20 years together he knows me, because he is probably right, lol.  Anyway, then there was a post the other day that has me concerned.  I guess it has been proven that having the sleev or any other WLS after the band has less success and slower weight loss.  UGH!!!! Any weight losss would be great, but is it worth it if I am already set up not to be successful???!!!!! I just don't know.  Although busy at work today, I have been preoccupied with my own thoughts of surgery and doubt.  I am afraid the closer I get the worse it may get and I need to get a grip on this!

I was getting ready for bed last night and really wanted a nice hot bubble bath.  Unfortunately, I don't really fit in the tub enough to "enjoy" it.  It got me thinking.  There are so many things I want to do or be able to enjoy.  My list grew longer and longer as I thought about it.  So, I thought I would jot some down so later I can look back and hopefully check them off. 

I want .........

1. to fit in tub comfortably
2. to go to an amusement park with my son, and ride the rides
3.  to wear a dress again
4. to drive without the steering wheel rubbing my stomach
5. to see my feet when I look down
6. have my son give me a hug and be able to reach all the way around
7.  to wear a bathing suit and not be embarassed
8.  to shop in a normal store for clothes instead of a catalog or "woman's" store
9.  to ride a go cart and race my son
10. not have to wear a belt extension

well, these are just a few. I think as I think of them I will just have to add to the list, lol. 

Woohoo!!!! I have a date!!!!! I have actually had a date for a week or 2, but never really felt like anyone read my blog so why bother writing.  I have decided I need to blog for my own benefit, even if no one reads it at all.  So, I will be sleeved on June 11th!!!!! I am sooooo excited. Terrified, but excited!!!!!   It still seams far away, but I know the next few weeks are going to just fly by, ugh!!!! I spoke with my coordinator today to get things all ready and found out that my doctor does not require a pre-op diet. It seams strange to me, but he has his reasons. He says that if you set limits before, then the month of liquids, puree and soft foods can be too much.  Well, this may be true, but I have also heard that carb detox before surgery helps with cravings after. So, that being said, I am just trying to watch my calories and decrease my carbs.  I hope it helps. 

I have had quite a bit of anxiety the closer I get to sending in my paperwork for approval by the insurance company.    I thought I was handling my anxiety better today until this afternoon. A co-worker was joking around with me, but sent my anxiety into a tailspin! I have a pretty good looking husband, if I do say so myself,  and over the weekend my SIL posted some pics from her bday party when we went dancing on fb. A particular pic got quite a bit of attention from the woman on both of our friends lists (it was a pic of the 2 of us) but they were all saying how "good he looked", "who was the movie star I was hanging out with?", etc. I am used to all this, and I know my hubby loves me so I am not threatened by it, but a few comments really got to me. One was, “WOW, how did you get such a hot husband?“ Really, just because I am fat means I can't get the attention of a hot guy?! The other one that always freaks me out is “you better watch out, someone is going to come along and steal him!“ So, while at work today, one of my co-workers and fb friends sees me and says, “WOW girl, your hubby is really good looking!!!! If after your surgery he decides he still likes fluff instead of skinny, tell him I am his girl!!! lol“ WTF!! She was laughing, but I was going crazy in my head!!!! This is one of my biggest fears!!! I have always been fat, my hubby married me fat! Will he still love me if I get skinny? He has made comments about others that he feels are too skinny or lost too much weight. What if I am no longer who he wants? What if I live through surgery and actually succeed in weightloss? I know it sounds silly, but it is a huge fear of mine right now.