ObesityHelp

One Year and One Day. I weighed exactly 90 lbs less today than I did one year ago. Sure, the weight loss really wasn't as much as I expected but I am happy nonetheless.
I still do not have all the boundless energy descibed by others who have taken this journey. I feel pretty much the same. It may be due to my hypothyroidism.
I haven't seen my surgeon once since I had the surgery. In fact, I haven't seen any clincal medical professional in his office. He will only allow you to see the dietician and excersise physiologist. I decided to follow up with my family physician but he really has no expertise in this area.
If I had it to do all over again, I would - just with a different surgeon. I feel like there was no support or continuum of care.

I haven't gotten lazy...I've just been so unbelievably busy. Between work, working out, and taking care of my zoological garden at home I just don't have time to do anything else. Plus, my 'puter decided to give me the blue screen of death. I have to surreptiously do my web browsing at work. 

The weight loss has really slowed down for me. I have always been a slow loser. So far, I have lost 62 lbs at 4 1/2 months out. I know, I know...I should be happy. I really lost it when I went to a support group meeting at my therapist's office and met a chick who had lost 65 lbs and had her surgery 2 months after me. When I first met her, I thought she must be at least a year out because there was nothing "fattie" about her. But, oh no, she started at 220 and had already lost 65 lbs. Plus she was a revision. Plus, she admitted she rarely ate. It made me feel like a freak. I'm not losing that fast. I think I am losing a couple of pounds a week now.  I can eat more than I think I should be able to. I am finding I am really struggling with controlling the need to emotionally eat.  I am taking all my vitamins and drinking all my water but I am still exhausted. I exercise at least every other day and I am still tired. My hair is falling out like crazy now. I've seen some other people with hair loss that are farther out than me and it worries me. They look like those 80 year old women with see-through hair. For the positives, I can wear 18W jeans now. I went out last weekend and when I walked by a group of men (albeit kinda redneck-y ones) I heard them say "She's hot!"

So, it's been about a month since I last blogged. I can't explain how different I feel. I got sunbeams shining out of my ass these days. Something happened and I turned a corner. I have confidence. I am not scared to say what I feel. I have learned when to shut the fuck up. I don't miss food. I can cope with my feelings and anxieties without eating. I am stressed out about money as always...bills coming at me from every direction. I just don't give a shit. You can't get blood from a turnip. 
I joined a gym. I haven't gone as faithfully as I said I would but I am going. I even find I want to go even when I can't. At first, I couldn't walk on the treadmill for more than 5 minutes at 2 mph without feeling like I was going to die. Now, I can do the whole 20 minute weight loss program with speeds of 3.5 mph. I am using the strength training equipment, even when other people are around, without feeling like a complete dumbass. 
When I walk, I walk fiercely (like Tyra says). I feel good about myself. I know I gots a long way to go but I am finally starting to feel like I am going to make it. This surgery is going to work for me. 
I went for my 3 month follow up yesterday. I have lost 47.5 pounds. My current weight is 226.5. My original starting weight was 274. It's slower than I thought it would be...but damn, almost 50 lbs in 3 months. 

Since my last post, I have started seeing a counselor. She is awesome...Thanks for the recommendation Jen! I have seen counselors before but have always been ambivalent about being honest. It's like I wanted to pay their fees for them to like me. It's ridiculous I know. I went into this session knowing I needed to make some changes in my life. I went into it expecting to be brutally honest with my counselor and myself. The initial session was just a briefing but she already gave me some valuable insight as to why I am the way I am. She also validated some of my feelings as legitimate. I have never been able to make true friends with people. I get the feeling others sense there is something "off" with me. She explained that victims of sexual abuse have trust issues that can hinder the forming of any kind of relationship. I can't believe this has never occurred to me before. It makes perfect sense. Maybe I am not such a freak...maybe my reactions and feelings about myself are really the direct result of the unresolved sexual abuse...not to mention the fact my mother has never apologized to me or shown any remorse for not believing me. I know this is a way of protecting herself and her own psyche but it has really fucked me up. It's so weird...I have thought about this on and off for the last 20 or so years but I always had food to comfort me. No one understood or cared but the Hershey Company. Now that I do not have the food to turn to, I am really having to address this. It is amazing what the pain of childhood can do to you. I have always thought I was weak...that I am an adult now and should be able to deal with my issues rationally. The truth is, I am still a 12 year old girl looking for someone to love me and to make me feel safe. I spent the majority of my teens and twenties having sex with men hoping to find this peace. I never did. Now I am in a relationship without sex. I find that after being denied sex for so long, I am not even sure if I ever want to have sex again. The relationship I am in now has so many problems and the no sex thing is just symptomatic of this. If you asked my SO, he'd say we have a great relationship. He is happy. He is content. I am finding the better I feel about myself, the less certain I am that I want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I am scared to break it off though because he is my best friend. I don't have anyone else besides my kid. She has been in the role of advisor to me too many times. She doesn't need to worry about my well being. She needs a strong, confident role model. I want to be that for her. I have been such a complete fuck up my whole life. I don't know how the kid turned out so well. She has insecurities but she has always known she is loved. I did one thing right. I want to feel good about myself. I have spent my entire adult life berating myself and setting myself up for failure. I have never had a cheering section...I have always had people telling me I can't do this or that. I want to be my own cheerleader. I want to feel like I am worth it. I want the rest of my life to be spent content and at peace with who and what I am. I have this feeling that the best years have already passed me by and I have such regret. I guess this is normal for a woman approaching 40. 
I am going to continue therapy. I owe it to myself. I am a good person who has made bad choices. I am not beyond redemption. I am not beyond figuring out what will make me happy. I have hope. I am accountable to myself only. I cannot control what anyone else thinks of me. I cannot let other people control how I feel about myself and my choices. This is my mantra.

I woke up with a sick, hopeless feeling today. It seems everything is changing. My life as I know it is irrefutably different. I hate myself. I hate who I have become. Even without the weight issue, I am not a person I am proud of. I have no idea how to relate to people on a professional level. I try. I am so self-aware and I see the looks on the faces of others…the “we don’t take you seriously” look or the “you are not one of us” looks. I feel like a kid in a world of grownups. I realize I am never going to get anywhere but where I am now. I am ambitious. I bust my ass everyday. I work circles around others. The only thing it gets me is a condescending pat on the back. I will never be mistake for a serious candidate for promotion.

In addition to my semi-professional life, I feel a sense of absolute hopelessness about my relationship. I love the man….like a friend. There is no intimacy. We do not have sex. We have been together almost 4 years. We do not live together. There is no immediate plans for any move in a more permanent direction. I feel taken for granted. The reason we have not moved forward have been due to money issues….however, just a couple of weeks ago the son of bitch went out and financed a 50 inch plasma TV. He has no qualms about spending money on himself. When it comes to me, he is broke. I mean, he will pay for dinner, etc. He just will not commit. Then I drive myself crazy thinking “why in the hell should I want a commitment with a man that won’t have sex with me?” The not having sex part has been an issue since almost the beginning of the relationship. I am not sure I would even know what I am supposed to do anymore. Before, even though I was heavy, I had supreme confidence in my abilities. Now, I feel so ugly and embarrassed about myself. He says it has nothing to do with the way I look or anything to do with me at all. Whatever…it still chips away at your self confidence and eventually turns you into this self-loathing person who feels she can never be sexually attractive to anyone. I am horrid writer and I wish I could express myself more eloquently.

I just feel like everything is changing. I am mad as hell. I cry like an idiot all the time. I can’t concentrate on anything. I sleep constantly when I am not at work. I haven’t been excercising or doing anything for myself. This surgery has left me in financial hell. I am on anti-depressants and have been for some time. Have they stopped working since the surgery? Or am I just seeing things more clearly now? Will I ever be happy again? Will anyone ever truly love me? Am I worthy of being loved or respected? I feel like such a bad person. I feel guilty all the time. I just want to curl up in a ball.