Post Date: 5/5/08 4:52 pm
I am so aggravated with myself.  I feel that i will never be a thin person.  I have officiially beaten the odds......I am still fat after WLS........
I eat until I am sick.  I stuff my feelings.....I hate feeling like this.
Tomorrow morning I am joining weight watchers.  I am not telling people, except of course alll of you.....I just want to lose 20 or so lbs.....before summer.  I have to get some control over this....I am slowly gaining....I am up about 7 lbs right now from my low and I feel like crap.
I miss my mom terribly and I know all of this is tied in.......
Anyway, thanks for listening.......

I  had my PS done 2/15....he did

Mini tummy tuck
medial thighs
back rolls
mons repair
lipo to outer thighs and buttocks.

I feel good. I have 2 seromas that are bringing me down, ( my legs ) but its weird not to see back rolls.  I have never not had back rolls.  Doc said he took off about 12 lbs....i still am so swollen its very hard to tell what it will look like. Overall i am happy.
My dad paid for my thighs, it was so nice of him.  My dh paid for the rest....i am appreciative of that as well.

So  many people rallied to help me out..friends and family.  Dana ( best friend  ) flew in from chicago for one week to help me around house and with kids....I cant say enough good about all.
Now if only these 2 leg seromas will leave already!!!!!

Thats all for now, i am quiet...i am still disgusted with my food....but mostly i am still missing my mama.

Livvy's bday is approaching Feb 1.  She is having a sleepover with about 10 girlfriends.  We will paint, do makeup, bake and do alot of fun things.  We are surprising her and taking her to the Hannah Montana movie.  She will be thrilled.
I am having PS Feb 15.  I am so blessed that my best friend Dana is coming from Chicago to take care of me and my girls.  I am relieved.  
I am very nervous but i am excited.  I will be having my thighs, back, mons repair and lipo to my buttocks.  Today i bought some sweat pants to bum around in after surgery....I will have nothing to wear after surgery!
I am still very depressed.  I have been on Zoloft but my PS wants me off all meds before surgery.  I am off it now and wow, I cry often.  I can cry when the wind blows. I still cant believe that my best best best friend of all is not here. I would do anything to hear her voice before my surgery, to get her words of encouragment.  I can hear her say " pussy cat, I am so proud of you" " Pussy cat, you will be a knockout!! ". My mom was always so positive about me.  In her eyes I was perfect.  Not that she did not see my faults, but wow, did she adore me.  No one loved me like her.
Everyday is a stuggle.  A daily struggle.  I pray for strenght. I pray that one day I will be with her.  Not now, my work here is not done, my kids need me, But one day, I hope to be with her, my best friend, sharing a snickers ( our joke ).
I love you my mommy.
As far as my food is concerned. I still struggle daily.  I can eat. I cant eat alot, I cant eat a whole sandwhich, but i can eat more than i wish i could.  I have very little willpower. I am disgusted with myself.
I do however, work out almost every day.  I run/jog for 40 min atleast 5 times per week. It helps with my brain...i am not sure what else, but i sleep better.

One year tomorrow that my best friend went to heaven.  Wow, lonelier than i thought it would be. Harder than i ever imagined.  Worse than i could have dreamed about.  A large part of me died this time last year. My mom, was the greatest love of all. My confidant, my hero.  I am empty and sad.  I long to see her. I ache for my mom.
Tomorrow i will go to her gravesite to put fresh flowers, read a special poems and the girls have made her cards.  Each day is long without her.  I had more than most.  I lost more than most.  I lost alot when she passed away. 
I have decided to have some PS. I am not at goal, but my body is loose and ugly.  I feel that it will give me a boost.  I am nervous and excited.  I will have my back, mons reduction, minnie tummy tuck and medial thighs.  I was not going to  have the thighs done, but my father wants to pay for it, he says my mom would want that.  I am thrilled because we could not afford to do it all.   I was balling my eyes out when he told me.  He also said i was a great kid and he wanted to do this for me.  I feel lucky in that respect.
My mom never, ever saw me fat, but i still wish that she could see that i have lost weight.  
I have been working out and i feel committed to continuing this. I need to for my kids, for me.  My mom had terrible health, for a muriad of reasons, but i know had she been thinner and excersized then maybe, just maybe she would be here today.  Never the less, i must stay with it.  I have to go into surgery being in the best health and that includes daily work outs....I feel better about it.  I have not lost any more weight, but its go to be helping me be heart friendly.
Livvy and Maki are growing so much.  How I wish my mom " pop" was here to see them.  She loved them as much as i love them....she adored them.  She adored me.
Life is hard.  Mom told me it was not going to be easy, infact she told me on her death bed " it will be hardest on you"...boy, she was not kidding.
For today, thats all.  I love you mom and I miss you terribly.
I am thankful for my dh, kids and father....they keep me going.

Still plugging, still struggling. Still eating carbs.  I have had a tough year.  I am still responsible for my actions, but food is still my drug of choice.  My mom, my cat and now my aunt sis ( moms sister ).  Wow, alot in one year.
I am down 80 lbs...wish it was more.  I need plastic surgery and I know this will help take off some, tighten some and help me mentally feel good.
I dont really work out as i should......but no complaints, this is who i am at the moment.  I am maintaining.  I miss my mom terribly.  So many things i want to share with her, my best friend,
Thats all for now.