Second Post on March 17, 2005 10:05 pm
Okay, yes, it's been a while since I posted. I had my initial consult with Dr. Chastanet at NMCP and he's a nice man. He was very up front and honest and grounded. I like that. He took my initial weight as 370 lbs, but I went crazy a bit and gained back up to 380 lbs as of yesterday. :( Yes, yes, I know, I know.
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I was supposed to have my Nutrition Eval on 3/7 and my Psych Eval on 3/10, but my 1 yr old had the stomach flu and we ended up at the ER with her after she had such bad diahhrea and vomiting that she was hungry, but couldn't hold anything down. Her poor eyes were sunken in and she was very unhappy, but luckily, she's fine.
I rescheduled and had my Psych Eval on Tuesday, 3/15. My Nutrition Eval is set for Monday, 3/21. I passed the Psych Eval, with the provision that I get therapy set up before surgery and continue with it afterwards.
I have been overweight as far back as I can remember. I remember breaking my arm at age 11 and the doctor telling my mother that as long as I didn't gain any more weight, I'd be fine as an adult. I was 11 and already weight 150 lbs. Within the next year, I had ballooned to 180 and when I finally graduated high school, I was 260 lbs. I really don't remember ever wearing jeans under a size 18. And I don't wear jeans at all now, because I can't find them to fit and not cost a right arm and left leg.
The psychologist, Dr. Hain, agrees with me that my being molested at age 9-10 led to my initial weight gain as a defense mechanism that ballooned out of control.
When I told my mother about what had happened to me, she was shocked and upset, blaming herself that she had not seen any signs and stopped it. I told her it wasn't her fault. It had been the babysitter's husband, a dirty old man who threatened me as a child that if I told anyone, he'd do it to my 4 yr old sister as well. I pushed it down mentally and only finally remembered it at age 16. Even now I don't remember if it went "all the way" because everytime I try to think about it, my brain shuts down and I get an anxiety attack. I think it did happen, but I can't remember the final act. He's dead now and I think God let him off too easy by giving him prostate cancer.
It turns out though, that my mother had been molested by her mother's brother when she was a child. I was truly shocked. She said she had never told anyone except me. Now, she is afraid for my daughter, that the pattern will be repeated. I swear to God, I may go to Hell, I may go to jail, but anyone harms my daughter, any man touches my child like that, and I'll castrate him and make him eat it until he chokes and dies.
Okay, calming down.
I'm closer to my goal and have a weight lifted off me with the sharing of the secret, but I'm still afraid I have so much left to go. I fear that I may be pregnant again and I'm afraid that if I am pregnant again and have to put off the surgery for another 2 years to have the child, I may end up resenting the child. I pray that I'm not pregnant and that after I've come so far, waited so long, that this will happen for me.
Yes, I'm being selfish. All my life I've done for others, I've given everything I have for other's comfort and wellbeing. This is for ME! This is truly the first thing I'm doing solely for my benefit. I'm praying, begging God to let this happen. Please, please God, let this happen for me.
Amen, for now.