Ok, before Bible Study this evening I was reading the documents I got today during my PAT's.  So my assistant pastor comes in and she asked me about a comment and I asked her didn't she know I was getting the surgery, and she was like YES.

And I was like, never mind, I don't want to talk about it since mom doesn't want me to have it.  And she walked by and was like, "I don't want you to either!" and kept walking towards the kitchen.

WTH?  Is it not painfully obvious that ALL of my health issues are because I am a fat, overweight, OBESE woman?  I mean come on...I am not changing my plans for anyone because of their fears and ignorance about the surgery.
Now I know I am writing letters to my family and friend which will explain my choice this weekend. 

They need to understand their opinions are just that, THEIR OPINIONS and will not be a part of my decision making.  I've made up in my mind and determined in my heart that I was going to get healthy, and by the grace of the living God that I serve, my surgery will be successful and without complications.

I am so sick to death of people fearing things of the natural when we should be much more concerned about the spiritual entities that wear us down, threaten us and kick out butts everyday when we are trying to live holy and righteously.

I have peace about my decision, and God has given me and AWESOME blessing today that could only come from him....my surgery, the hospital fees, the surgeon's fees, etc etc are 100% covered.
I HAVE NOOOOTTTTHHHIIIIINNNNNNGGG to pay out of pocket.
THANK YOU KEYSTONE HEALTH PLAN EAST.

Ok...anyway.  I just talked to my sister on the phone and I understand her point that everyone is concerned about me failing because my mom's friend failed at her stomach stapling surgery from the 80's, but still.  No matter how many times I've reiterated to my mom the surgery is not the same...she is not hearing it.  SHE EVEN WENT TO MY CONSULTATION...and the surgeon point blank told everyone the failure rate of the original surgeries (my mom's friend) from the 70's and 80's and how this process has been perfected and is totall different.

I think I'm gonna have to get out the big guns and have Dr P call me mom.  I'm going to email her tomorrow at work.  This is starting to really piss me off and it's hurting my feelings.  I am to the point I don't even want them to come the day of surgery.  That is how angry I am right now.  I don't want them to come at all.

I'm sitting her watcing Entertainment Tonight and I just burst into tears for no reason.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????

Ok, I am TOTALLY miserable right now.  I know better.  I have lost a total of 15 pounds (11 since my consultation) since December, but a total of 25.5 since November...and I thought I would get the hoagie I've been craving since the end of the year.

Well, I wish I would have just ate that and not the dang cheese fries too.

It feels like some stuffed a bowling ball down my throat and it's sitting in my stomach and won't move.  Now I know why I want this surgery...so I can stop making stupid food choices I know are going to kill me.

I only wanted to treat myself for losing the weight, but I TOTALLY regret it now.  I had to drink a bottle of magnesium citrate and that is making me feel WORSE.  But at least I will be cleaned out.

Until then, I will have to deal with being miserable.  My fault, I know.  I totally regret eating BOTH the fries and the hoagie, TOGETHER.  I should have just settled for the hoagie.  That would have been sufficent enough.

Uggghhhh...MY TUMMY HURTS!!!!!

Whoever said it, said it best...I am in for a rollercoaster ride before my surgery date.
Today was a trying day for me.  I hate my job (I love it, but I hate the mess going on with the restructuring) and I had to work and I just wish people who say they are Christian and saved would act like it.  Working for a Christian university has it's perks and it has its devils and demons.  So sad, because I never thought working for a so-called university would have behaviors worse then some that occur with the unregenerated.
Anyway...that's for another day and another post.

I sat here pondering if I wanted to get on my treadmill to get off the 10 lbs I need to before surgery and I started comtemplating if this was what I wanted (I know this is what I want and NEED) and maybe I shoulg give this one more try...but then I realized something...Devil you are really trying to keep my from my destiny.  I will not allow you to steal what God has appointed for me in this season.  I will hold my head up high and not be ashamed or embarassed that I am doing something that will save my life.

I am sitting her watching my favorite Indian actor Shah Rukh Khan (I will try and post his picture) and it's making me realize how shallow the world is and how we have been programmed to believe you have to be skinny and white to be desirable.  I know I am a size 28 and I am of mixed race, but I have a wonderful heart, I am SAVED, SANCTIFIED, HOLY GHOST FILLED and live what the Word tells me I should be living.  So why oh why am I still single? lol

Uggghhh I am going through so many emotions right now.  I had a good day at work even though I didn't want to be there.  Spent over an hour speaking with a co worker who works in the Events and Conferences department and I swear for the life of me this white boy likes me.  I SWEAR HE DOES.
He would not leave, he just kept talking and talking to me and whenever he sees me on campus he somehow always finds a way to gravitate to my desk...hmmmm

So we were talking about the fact that I hate recruiting and that our leadership need to not promote butt kissers because they are YES people, but promote people who have the God given gifts that are needed.  We talked about that and I commented on that was how I am feeling because I love doing administrative behind the scenes things and don't like going out presenting and dealing with people face to face...unless it's a small group.
And he was like..."but it's such a pretty face!'  
I almost fell out of my chair.  Here is this cute, 24 year old tall drink of water (that is what he called himself today LOL LOL) flirting with me and paying me a compliment.  I was really shocked.  I smiled and he kept trying to push the issue and I had to change the subject.

Uggghhhh when I don't want attention I get it and from the wrong person.  When I want attention I don't get it.  Needless to say, I thought about his comments all afternoon while trying to take a nap and man...I set myself for torture...why do we let our minds play games on us like this?  B. is a great guy, I would date him...but race and age are an issue for some, not for me.

*sighs*
Lord, stop playing with me...I want and I NEED a husband.  I want to have children before 40 gets here....can you move faster LOL LOL
I'm sick of lying in bed alone, crying wishing the man I loved was lying there next to me, holding me and telling me he loves me.
*stops now before she starts crying*

Ok, now I am really frustrated lol

Shah Rukh Khan is at the bottom of my profile.