ObesityHelp

Tuesday was my wls anniversary, a day that is very important to me, one where I decided to take control of my life, my health and my future.  I was 40 years old, MO, diabetic and had debilitating arthritis, I couldn't even sleep in my bed because I couldnt raise my arms up due to the pain and sleeping the way I normally would was impossible.  For a few years prior to wls I slept on the couch, every inch of my body hurt, I was dying slowly and painfully and I was at the end of my rope, I had absolutely no hope of having any quality of life into the future.  When a co-worker had a very successful wls with Dr Aranow I decided to go try his informational seminar and see if I could qualify for surgery.  I was so thrilled when I found out I would have no problem qualifying based on the fact I was diabetic and had a bmi of 45, what didn't make me so happy was the fact my weight had ballooned to a staggering 283.5lbs, I was mortified to see that number on the scale.  In my minds eye, in my dreams in any way I thought of myself I was never MO, I was just average, just like I had been as a teenager, my twenty years of MO never caught up with how I saw myself in my mind.  No one hated being fat more then me, everything about it repulsed me, that my body was covered in hideous stretch marks, that I felt deformed and freakish and I was completely embarassed to show my naked body to anyone.  I never let my ex husband see me naked, not completely and not ever.  I never took off a bra, I even slept in them, turns out that was a good thing since I think it saved my breasts from being really saggy once I lost weight.  I spent so many years in my own private hell, hiding myself from everyone, never going to the beach or wearing shorts.  I remember all the years we went to Florida when my son was little and I was sweating my ass off because I had on long stretch pants, because if I wore dresses my thighs would rub together so badly I would get a rash.  It was such a truly horrible existance, married to a man I didn't love, who mentally tried to keep me even when he knew I wanted to leave, with a small child and a body that embarassed me.  When I finally divorced I felt free to finally live my life, but I was trapped in this body, I started dating and went on the pill, in the first few months of being on the pill I developed chronic yeast infections which they said were not from the pill but from everything else including of course my excess weight.  For two years I suffered, until finally I stopped the pill myself because I couldnt take it anymore.  I wanted a life, not just an existance and I still didn't have it.  After my mother died I was diagnosed with diabetes and then I knew I had to do something or I was going to end up in the same boat she was taking 5 shots a day and still being out of control.  I watched the paramedics work on my mother so many times, I was afraid I would find her dead for years before it finally happened.  I knew she would never live to be very old, her goal was to make it until my son graduated from high school, and maybe if she had lived he might have graduated but sadly he quit.  My mother died nearly 9 years ago next week, my son was only 12 years old at the time.  When I finally got to the point I was ready for wls, I wanted it done and over with as quickly as possible but it took 6 months to make happen.  It was such a long draw out process and it seemed to take forever for the insurance approval, but once I had the surgery it was truly the beginning for me.  I swore that very day I came home from the hospital I wasn't going to fuck this up, I had pretty much fucked up everything else in my life and this was one thing I was going to succeed at.  I know that there are people just sitting back waiting for us to fail, to either never make goal or re-gain our weight and I for one refuse to give those people even one word to talk about me, if I never eat again I will do it just so I can keep them quiet.  I can only imagine what my ex husband would say if I got fat again, no fucking way on earth would I give him that satisfaction, never fucking ever.  So for me this date on the calender is one of the most important of the year, and yes I know that no one else really gets it, but to me its the day I celebrate my life.  Not the day I was born, to a father who didn't care, who never wanted me, and a mother who did everything she could to try to make my life better.  This anniversary is all about life and living and I am happy to report I had a terrific day.  I won't talk about the two days since.  lol  Happy Anniversary to Me!