Finally Arrived.....it only took 50 miles on May 31, 2011 9:54 pm
I have been obsessed for the past month with watching a swan nest down by the river where the swans over-winter, I found the nest by accident one day walking down the rail road tracks taking pictures and I have hiked down those tracks nearly daily for weeks until finally they have arrived. I had a migraine last week and I didn't go the following morning (Thursday the 26th) because I was feeling crappy, so I went after work and the nest was abandoned with two unhatched eggs remaining and the momma and other babies no where to be found. I was sad that the two eggs didn't hatch and even sadder that I looked everywhere and I couldn't find mom and the babies. So Friday morning I set out on an adventure to find my cygnets and when I walked the small island I was thrilled to see them in all their glory, mom and dad and four babies. Totally beautiful and perfect. I spent the day photographing them at 1 days old. It was magical. Of course the magic was short lived because of a tragic motorcycle accident with Doug's cousin, but I have tried to go to the river in between visits to the hospital. I walked atleast 50 miles in the weeks leading up to their birth, and they were worth every single step. I am adding a picture I took of my one day old cygnet.
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Migraine... on May 25, 2011 6:45 pm
I haven't had a migraine since I was a teenager and today at Stop and Shop I started seeing these weird lights in my eyes, like lasso's of bright colours that I could see through yet rolled around, the more I would try to look toward the lights the more they would move. It was really bizarre, it lasted for atleast 20 minutes, I thought for sure it was a blood sugar issue so I ate a protein bar but I felt absolutely fine. Usually when my blood sugar is crashing I get sweaty and my head gets fuzzy and my arms get heavy, none of those things happened, it was completely unrelated. I googled migraines when I got home because the second I walked in the door and sat down my head started throbbing and hasn't let up since. I even took Tylenol something I rarely do as I hate the way drugs make me feel even over the counter drugs seems to have a strange effect on me. Thankfully I can still take my Xanax when needed and it doesn't screw with me, everything else is another story, the one time I took Benedryl I thought someone gave me roofies or something I was so out of it. I had myself convinced I was going through menopause because my periods are getting closer together and I have been an emotional mess, so I never know if its panic attacks or something else. I probably should back away from the web md. lol lol What drives me insane is right before my period I get so bloated I feel like a beached whale and my clothes get tight and I am so miserable, when its over I go back to normal but before I get my period and I am bloated and I don't know I am getting my period I think omg I have gained 20 lbs in a week, yes I know thats an exageration but I feel awful. Another thing I notice is when I wake up I am the thinnest I am for the entire day, the second I get up and get dressed and start moving around I get more bloated. I can actually start off with my jeans loose and end up with them fitting snug all in one day. I know I am not dehydrated because no one drinks more water then me, so I am not sure of the cause of the bloat, but it super duper worse during the pre-period time. Yeah I am pretty much a mess, but atleast now that my period is pretty much over I am not a super bloated migraine head. lol Okay onto another subject, no swan babies yet, I did go to the river to look this morning and I will go every day now no matter what until they come. I am adding a picture of my baby canada goose eating a flower, I just thought this was too cute.
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So It's Monday.... on May 23, 2011 4:43 pm
I spent the weekend focusing on my photography, all birds all the time basically. I even took a drive Beardsley Park zoo to photograph the peacocks they have wandering around. I guess you can pretty much say photography is my obsession, I rarely go on OH at all, I spend all my time on Flickr or researching more locations to shoot. I am adding one of my peacock photos.
I figured out today that my biggest problem is I eat too much, big revelation ehhh, well to that end I have decided to not eat while I am at work and start my eating with dinner and then have my protein bars as a snack. It has merit as a diet plan, I drink tea with lemon at work and I don't even miss eating at all, but I need my protein so my bars will just move until night time. Perfect. If I can lose ten pounds I would be thrilled and I won't feel like I am missing out on anything.
Oh yeah about my weight.... on May 18, 2011 7:00 pm
I don't spend much time talking about my weight or diet anymore, I guess its because I have nothing to say. I want to lose weight but I have never been good at dieting, hmmm maybe why I needed wls in the first place. lol I have been taking just three protein bars with me to work so I can't eat too many. I eat a normal dinner and then I watch tv and want to snack. I think snacking is the work of the devil. I try to avoid it the best I can, if I only ate when I was hungry I would be a size 2, but because I like to eat I am a fat 6. lol lol So thats that about my weight. As for the one thing I lovel, my photography, its been on hold during this excruciating rain. I am adding a pic of momma swan that I have been waiting to see her babies hatch, but I haven't gone in a couple of days because of the rain, I hope tomorrow for a break. Isn't she beautiful?
When will it stop...... on May 17, 2011 6:07 pm
The rain is really depressing, it kills my arthritis and makes it impossible for me to go visit my swan nest and see if my baby swans are born. I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I spend every free minute taking pictures and on Sunday I went to an all day photography seminar with Arthur Morris who is a world renowned bird photographer. I actually met and exchanged Flickr accounts with another lady who passionately photographs birds also. Of course I pulled away when she suggested shooting together, I guess my anti-social behaviour is alive and well, I wish it wasn't so because it would be nice to have friends with the same interests but for me thats too stressful so I avoid it. For me photography is an escape, something I like to do alone with absolutely no stress at all, going anywhere I want to go, not having to do what anyone else wants to do. So alas that means I cannot join any photography clubs or make friends with any other shooters. But I do enjoy going to seminars, as long as no one talks to me. lol lol I did get a nice autograph from Arthur Morris and got to chat with him for a few minutes, amazing. I took quite a few pictures over the weekend, enjoyed taking off Friday the 13th and took this picture I am adding with really kewl looking bokeh.
Better Day.... on May 11, 2011 5:40 pm
Yesterday wasn't such a good day, I went out early to take pictures down by the river of the swan nest hoping the baby swans had been born, it was a glorious morning and I took a few pictures, but no babies. I went to my usual pond and took more pictures of the geese and their babies and some mallard ducks. When I was getting ready to leave all of a sudden all the birds started going nuts and flying and running and diving into the water, I looked all around and there was nothing I could see that would cause this reaction, I looked high in the sky and saw the problem. I jumped out of my car and took a few quick pictures when I looked at them I realized it was a bald eagle pair far over head that cause all my birds to panic. It truly was an amazing sight to behold. When I got to work I was super busy, had three back to back corporate calls and during the last one I could feel myself crashing, hard and fast, my back was covered in sweat I was panicking how I was going to get off the phone while my brain turned to mush. I quickly ate a protein bar and regained some brain function. I even asked my son to bring me down something to eat because I was afraid I would crash again. So today I have been super careful, eating protein bars well spaced out and no crashes. I even looked the demon DD donuts in the eye and said no, someone brought them in and in a fit of being pissy I went downstairs to get one, when I got there I talked myself off the ledge so to speak. Really if I am going to get sick let it be for something good not crappy donuts. We had Mexican food for dinner, I had a beef empanada and some chips and salsa, I had a few bites of fried ice cream. I did well, not too much food or dessert and I am even. If only I could make each day this way maybe my panic would recede. I honestly can never tell if my panic is causing me to get sick or feeling sick is making me panic. I hate having the same stupid problems I had years ago, I feel like I am going backwards sometimes. But I seriously am trying to forge ahead. I took off Friday to focus on my photography and have a photography seminar all day on Sunday. I am adding a picture of one half of a cute mallard duck couple that was following me around the pond.
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Heroin and WLS..... on May 9, 2011 4:08 pm
It's not like I have ever actually done heroin, or any illegal drugs for that matter, but from what I have read it seems that people who become addicted to Heroin are always chasing that first high and to that end I think wls brings some of us to that same place, the lowest weight we have been as adults ever. Yup that would be me, I weighed 135 when I was in high school, that was the last time I saw that weight. When I had wls my goal was to get to a size 10, but as I lost weight and hit my goals I kept lowering them until I settled on 138 as my ultimate goal. When I made it I was thrilled, when I surpassed it thrilled even more. The first four years of my surgery were easy and the last two is me chasing that high I felt when I weighed 135. The more I chase the further away I feel like I am getting, I have a fat mentality and feel I look like I did at 283.5 (my beginning weight). I don't know what I weigh now, I avoid the scale completely and my jeans feel snug and I am not happy. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again, I start diets constantly, keep changing what I will allow myself to eat trying to find the right combination of stuff that will let me see that magic number again. Sadly I think my protein bars are making me fat, yeah because I love them and tend to abuse them. Isn't there some irony there, the one thing I found that is supposably healthy and helps me meet my protein quota and I now think I might be addicted to them. They are pretty much the only thing I eat every single day regularly. Oh well, I guess when I am naked soon I will lose weight because I refuse to buy one item of clothes bigger then a 6. lol Yesterday was Mothers Day, I took this beautiful picture I am posting, its the only good part of the day, the rest was shit.
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Starting Over.... on May 7, 2011 5:23 pm
I decided today to do a cleansing diet, its pretty simple, no meat or cheese just protein bars and greek yogurt and fruit. I want to lose some weight and I haven't been feeling very well lately and I am thinking a change to my diet might help. I have a hard time eating meat, I know I need protein but its hard on my conscience, so I think this might help. I have been having panic attacks lately and some of my old symptoms of my problems from the past are recurring, which frightens me on so many levels, my biggest fear is the return of my diabetes, that is the only reason I had wls so if it returns it really will be for nothing. I have to work tomorrow for Mother's Day but I already talked to Will and hes going to take me out next week after he gets his first real paycheck from his job. I plan to get up early and take pictures before work, I am adding a picture I took yesterday that I thought was cute, I had seen it a few weeks ago, up in a tree someone had hung some old stuffed animals. I waited until the trees started to bloom to take a picture. I call it Monkey Business.
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Mother's Day is Coming... on May 5, 2011 5:57 pm
Sunday is Mother's Day, I am not particuarly fond this holiday because my mother and grandmother are both gone. I generally go to the cemetary and place flowers on their grave that they share with my grandfather. My son will be 22 this year, where on earth has the time gone. I was driving in my car today thinking I don't really know how you are supposed to feel and act at 46 because I don't feel old but yet I know I am old because my memory is shot. I get so pissed off at myself when I lose something and I can't find it, like the cap to my expensive lens that I lost last week while taking pictures of my son, I asked him if I gave it to him to hold and he said no but who knows his memory is worse then mine when it comes to remembering things that don't concern him directly. He is the only reason I will consider celebrating at all on Mother's Day, now lets sit back and see if he remembers on Sunday.
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Smart and Beautiful.... on May 4, 2011 8:25 pm
Those two words were used to describe me. My coworker was conducting a class for the staff at my company and I sat in for a few minutes just to give him a hard time, I made a couple of quick suggestions and one of my coworkers taking the class said that she was so impressed she didn't know I was smart and beautiful. lol Really, seriously, so you just thought I was beautiful, and now you are just figuring out I am a computer geek and pretty smart too. I have always prided myself on my intelligence, its something that no one can take away from you when you don't feel good about yourself or how you look, atleast you can fall back on your brains. I have a very analytical mind and have been a database programmer/analyst for many years, I love my job because it is ever changing and evolving and I like new challenges. I know there are people I work with who have gotten by based on their looks, I know I have always been one to get by based on my brains, but I thought it was extremely sweet to hear the beautiful comment. Honestly I could have reached over and kissed Elise for making it. Kind of made my day. I am adding the beautiful baby Canada goose picture of the day I took before I went to work. I have taken off Friday as a gift to myself to focus on my photography, I have to work on Mothers days so Friday I can spend the day actually doing something I like. Perhaps I will drag my son along for the ride. lol Unlikely after the last time I took him to Maine but we shall see.
Fat Day.... on May 3, 2011 6:17 pm
I had a fat day today, not sure why exactly, but I felt very fat and that doesn't make me feel very good. I have to really try harder to lose weight again even though I am still wearing the same clothes and they fit the same I just feel uncomfortable. Maybe I am bloated or whatever but it sucks. I see myself like I did when I was MO, I knew it was really effecting me mentally when we went to the grocery store today and I really didn't want to buy anything. Seriously the cliche is pretty much true, nothing tastes as good as thin feels, it really is true. I have to get out my spring clothes and hopefully that will make me feel better. The only thing that does make me happy is going to photograph my baby geese, I have gone every single morning since they were born. I am adding a photo I took this morning before I went to work.
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Do you really know who you are? on May 1, 2011 6:08 pm
How do you represent yourself? Who are you really? I remember years ago reading personal ads and everyone loves long walks on the beach, that always made me laugh because I guess I like long walks on the beach but I haven't been on one in about 5 years. So how do you describe who you really are, because really most of my life is spent at work, so realistically I guess I am more analyst then anything else, my free time is spent on my photography. Basically I spend my days alone in my office working and my weekends alone stalking birds and wildlife. So who am I? Am I fun loving? Passionate? Sexy? Funny? Or am I something totally different? Do I even know? Can you choose to be whoever you want to be? Does losing weight and being a stranger in your own body make you a different person. I never thought I had changed after I lost weight, but realistically everything has changed, I will never be that person I was before, whoever she was she is gone now. Who am I now, well I guess that remains to be seen. I spend the weekend at the park taking pictures. My camera rig is big and obvious and today a lady came up to me with her young daughter and told me I just had to walk around the trail to see a billion turtles and take their picture. I found the comment sweet and reminded me of my son at that age who I convinced to wear a turtle costume for Halloween by fibbing and telling him it was a Ninja Turtle. He didn't know the difference at 5 years old, this little girl was about the same age, sadly when I looked into her eyes I didn't see my young son but I saw myself, a chubby little girl, she said she was going to feed the baby geese french fries and she wanted to eat some herself. I wanted to scream NOOOOOOO, I didn't want her to eat them and I certainly didn't want the baby geese to eat them. But I didn't because I didn't want to be mean or rude but I did go take pictures of her billion turtles. I didn't feel good about saying nothing, but sometimes its all we can say.
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