Wow!  I hadn't read my post or visited my profile in a while and found I just couldn't leave the most recent as something so icky! Clearly not my best day.

But every morning is an opportunity to start again... so here I am.  Things are going well - I have maintained 140 (+ or minus 2 lbs) for around 6 months now and am really interested in plastics.  I feel really good physically and am coming along on the mental journey that comes along with the surgery.  It certainly isn't an everyday thing (for those of you wondering) - just a sometimey thing... and again, happy as ever I made this choice.

I lurk more than post these days.  I miss the "crew" but haven't engaged as much as I would like.  LB Coffee's are my reality check once a month - and having missed the last one am thrilled Naomi called for a impromptu this weekend! (Thanks Naomi). 

Still in school...have decided I may be a career student as I consider the next steps and the years that lie ahead to get to the goal.  But - education for education sake right? I am just pleased I have the opportunity to go back and the support from my family.  I am a lucky girl. :)

More substantial info later - - - I am off for now!
Hugs and Kises to all!
Shelley

It's 1:30 am and I am trying to complete my final projects for two graduate level courses - am running myself ragged between my "real" job, my school work, my family, and trying to start a nonprofit.  I ask myself why?  Why do I set myself up for such stress...I KEEP telling myself for the greater good and it is a transition - not forever - right? 

I have been told I surround myself with "projects" - a purpose at all times - something other than just being.   SO - I wonder...was food part of my self medication?  A reason to sit still and do nothing?  It was active - "eating" but inactive.  It filled my need to be busy but allowed me to be lazy - if just for a moment.  My focus on food was a distraction from my crazy mind - reeling at 100 miles per hour.  Then it came to the point that my eating resulted in me being able to do less - I had an excuse... right?

Now - without food (as a drug I mean) - I am busier than ever and miss my old friend.  I watch my family eat a meal (really enjoy a meal) and think - I remember when...I wish I could do that just one more time... I know I sound crazy - but it is late and I am tired, and if I eat one more protein bar I am going to SCREAM!! I try to diversify my diet - but often end up over the toilette.  I seem to have issue with ENJOYING something and eating it at a pace that is acceptable to my pouch.  So...Shelley is sad tonight. 

For those of you reading this who have not had surgery - know that I don't regret it and would do it over again today - - some days are just harder to deal with than others and old habits (developed over 38 years) die hard.
Time to shut this mind off and try to rest before another day run run running.... Off I go. Love to you all! ME

One year ago today, I was scared, excited and twice the person I am today (atleast in pounds).  After being sent off with the wonderful support of my two angels, Carla and Stacie, I was prepared with all the goodies for my post-op life and was reaching the culmination of months of research and efforts to get approval.  

How has my life changed since that day? - 
1 year ago, I didn't care what I wore because it all looked like crap in my eyes...now I am a clothes whore who would like nothing better than a limitless credit card to shop and shop and shop... Rather than dreading the dressing room (and the lights I blamed for everything looking so poorly) - I am regularly pleasantly suprised and how I like almost everything I try on.  I have watched my clothes size go from 24/26 in pants to size 8  - From 3x to mediums in tops and have enjoyed the ride all along the way.  I can shop in regular stores now.  I can wear the latest trends, I can find a dress for an event and feel good about it - not just finding the least offensive choice.

That is the physical...now lets touch on the mental.  WOW! There is no preparing for the changes that come with this surgery.  My emotions have run the spectrum.  From "what the hell did I do?" shortly post-op, to "why did I wait so long?"  My confidence level has shot through the roof.  The comfort in my own skin (though there is a lot of extra) is something I don't think I have experienced in my LIFETIME! - I don't shy away from social gatherings.  I am not embarassed to be introduced to new people.  I am not ashamed.  I am proud of me, my appearance, my ability to take care of myself, and the me I put out there for the world to see.  A huge burden has been lifted.  At the same time - I still struggle.  When I smell pizza or see something I used to enjoy eating and know I cannot enjoy food the way I used to.  Eating is still a chore somedays and, despite the cliche', I must say I have literally made the transition from living to eat to eating to live.  I must work to get in my protien, my veggies, my vitamins, my water.  I get hungry, but still - 3 crackers and 1 ounce of cheese and I'm satisfied.  

Along with this surgery, I have been blessed with a fantastic support system in OH.  I have enjoyed and benefited from the "old-timers" knowledge, the newcomers excitement, watching the progress of my angelettes, and love every minute of it.  My LB Coffees keep me centered, remind me there are many others in the same boat, and remind me that there is still more work to be done.  

What does the next year bring for me? I am going to challenge myself to get more physically active (like my amazing brothers and sisters who are running 5Ks, 10Ks, and OH MY GOSH - marathons).  I am going to challenge myself to diversify my diet.  I am going to challenge myself to connect more and be a resource for the newbies who need support.  I am going to remain aware of my desire to transfer my addiction from food to other vices. There is still a need to commit to and take care of me.  The work is not over.  A goal has been met - but this is an ongoing process of changing your thinking - of committing to be healthy - and to giving back to the community that held your hand along the way. 

This is a year I will be forever thankful for.  One that has changed my life and my perspective... thank you all for taking this journey with me. - - - 

  Before 1/07 (285)After - 1/08 (138)
 

I've seen it written on here that some of you celebrate your RE-birthday.  Prior to this year, I thought it was a bit odd - but here I am... thinking about it myself.  My birthday was this past Wednesday and I couldn't help thinking a few things - - 
1) This is the first time in over 17 years I have felt good about me on my Birthday.  
2) I look better now than I looked when I was 27 before my 2nd child was born.  
3) Dang it feels good 
AND - - back on track here - - 
4) My  RE-BIRTHDAY is right around the corner!!! 

FEBRUARY 5TH  WILL FOREVER BE A DAY THAT I WAS GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE IN MY LIFE - a chance to be free from the shackles of my weight, the self conciousness and self loathing that brought to me, and the complete disregard for how I presented myself (after all - why did it matter?)
My partner said she had no idea how unhappy I was until I started losing and the "old Shelley" returned to the surface.  Silly, happy, and fun.  I had lost her - but she has been reborn and for that I am eternally greatful.

So biological or surgical - I celebrate this life - this chance - and all those who made it possible.  That's right - even my insurance company! :) 

TTFN! ME :)