Some people are just completely and ridiculously retarded. And yes, this is another story about work. =)

So my store closes at 8pm. We happened to be super busy that particular day. It was about 7:45. We close at 8pm. We had 5 people walk in the store at 7:30 in addition to the other customers we were already working with.
No fucking problem. Happens all the time. Luckily, I have really great people that I work with. Everyone stayed a minimum of an hour after their shift. So we it gets to be about 8:45. One of my reps started counting down his register. ONE crazy customer (who by the way came in and asked to speak with a manager very loudly during a phone call to customer care)started trying to rally the customers. Told my representative ,"where are you going...you still have people to help." Speaking to the other customers she says, " I can't believe he is trying to leave and you haven't even been helped."
The other customer takes the bait and starts complaining about how long she has hat to wait and blah blah blah.  MIND YOU.... the facts of it is... at 7:45 all but two reps are left because most idiots to back in to a store at 15min still. Again, it happens thats not my complaint. with these nut jobs. 
My complaint is that they were talking so bad to my rep that he had to come and get me because he felt uncomfortable with them talking about him while he was right there. I was freaking livid. 
I walked out and aske "crazy" what the problem was. She says, "well, he is trying to go home and everyone hasn't been helped yet." I inormed crazy that he was going home because his shift was over at 7pm(its 9pm by now). I continued that we only had to representatives that were scheduled to be in the store and that the other 3 were going about and beyone to assist our late coming customers and that my team goes about and beyond every day and might like to get home to see their families. 
Guess what "crazy" said........ "Oh". It took everything in me to not kick her out of the store. I don't mind people getting crazy with me. Thats what I get paid for... but when they try to disrespect my team.... I get fucking pissed. 
THE SHEER AUDACITY OF THIS WOMAN KILLED ME.

Remember i said she was on the phone talking loud and wanted to speak with a manager when she came in. So i talked to her. She went on and on about how she was so glad to finally talk to someone competent and how the people on the phone never know what they are talking about and how she always comes into the store to get stuff done (which i asked her if that was the case, why was she on the phone in the first place?) of course that question was never answered. She blah blahed to me about went to sit at a counter in front of like 5 customers.  I let her sit. then I walked about and put her name at the bottom of the list. I got smiles from the other customers in the store. That crazy woman thought she was sneaky. Stupid broad. Then she tried to drop my bosses name in different places i guess to make her seem more important to me. ALL OF THIS SHE IS DOING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS. I SWEAR SHE WAS ON SOME COKE.  Luckily I have the ability to turn her ass out  until i called her on "this lie" or "that lie". The woman tells me all about the phone she has researched and how she gets special pricing, and how she has a friend that works for SAMSUNG and blah blah blah. So she is about to leave when i over hear her discussing with one of my reps about the features. Of course all the research she does and the people she knows she still picked a phone that didnt have all the feature she wanted.  DUMBASS broad. Shes the kind of female that makes me dislike women in general. 

MORAL OF THE STORY...... If you walk into my store at 10 minutes til, talk down to my people, drop names, and try to rally the other customers. I will be forced to provide you with a mirror that shows you what a huge ass you are. The worse part about that is..... I do it so well, that when you try to complain to my supervior, the best you can come up with is , "well, I guess she didn't say anything wrong, and yes I got everything done, I guess it was just the "way" she told me.  Yeah, thats how 7 year olds act. "So and so was mean to me." blah blah blah. fucking retards. You  want to act like an ass, i will do my best to make you realize your the ass. And damn, Im good at that.

heehee

I love my life. I have a job. I have an apartment I love. I have my basic health. I have my nieces. and i havent really thought about the ex with the pregnant girlfriend too, too much. 
I went to papadeauxs(busy seafood restaurant in houston) on a friday night.  Which is amazing for me. I usually avoid busy spots like the plague. I walked in not feeling mortified at how horrible I looked and how great everyone else looked. I felt pretty good. its a new day for me. 
Im watching a "sex n the city" episode. So old, carries still talking into the camera. hahahaah. I already bought our tickets. we are going may 30th to the anjelikan at 2:30 pm to have cosmos and ladies time. I can't fucking wait!!!! every preview shows a little more than the first. they are such assholes. sheesh. I am soooooooo fucking excited. sex and the city the movie!!!!!!! god is so fucking good.
I am suppose to be shopping right now for tonight. i just shipped back some crap i got on line. and when i say crap. i mean crap. yuck.  but i did get a pair of nine west pumps from macys online. i have been looking for those shoes forever. score!!!!
my place is ofically a pigpen. im gonna clean it tomorrow and monday. somewhere around drinks tonight...tomorrow night and hopefully monday night. and i have a meeting to go to on tuesday ...even though im techinically on vacation. pray fo rme people.

It's my 2nd day in my new apartment. I teared up last night on my balcony. I am feeling more at home now than I have felt in the past 2 years.  I have actually unpacked two boxes already. I moved boxes with me from that last 3 moves... so this is a huge deal for me.

My apartment in goregous! I know its not a house... i am simply not ready for a house. I want to hold on to this young adult feel for a little bit longer. Its a midrise.. on the fucking 3rd floor ... so that part sucks. I need to invest in a rolling cart. It was a bitch carrying 3 bottles of wine and hair appliances this evening.  ha! I have a shit load of cabinet space and granite counter space. too bad i dont cook anymore. I havent cook ed in over a year. Sometimes I miss it. My bedrooms too bright so I am gonna have to put curtains up.

I love this area. I went to the liquor store(no giggling please) and there was  ghetto folk, foreigners, hicks, uppity folk, grungers, preps, .... i fucking love the mix of people.  It fits me so fucking well. 

And somehow I am broke. Don't know where all my money went. i suppose all the shopping and boozing i been doing did it. But i have to do something while I am celibate right? lord, I miss sex. You didnt think I was gonna post without mentioning sex did you? lol.

anywho.... i have been walking around smoking and doing laundry in the fucking nude!!! and i love it!!!!!

I am home!!!!

I am sharing my letter with you all because i am literally have no clue how it sounds. do i sound like a psycho? most of it references things that only he and i can understand. but i tried to write it so that if anyone else ever read it that they could only guess as to exactly what im talking about. for example he bought me a pink texas hat when we visited dallas. princes greatest hits was a present he gave me.csap is what he called courtyney. pleas give me your opinions.

I remember how we began.I remember how we played and loved.. I remember the tub, I remember the late nights… stretched out on the carpet.  I sleep at night and dream of kisses on my shoulders and kisses on my neck.  I found a peaceful sleep in your arms.  I try to forget you.. with he, him, and they. So  I wear my pink hat to hid the shame, I listen to the hits, the greatest,  by prince, a little Jamaica funk, to help me forget about… they, him, and he. I remember our trip and how at peace we were.  It was just you, me, and he or was it she?  I secretly prayed that 3^rd day to be shown the door again. And that you would say, “Baby ­­­insert name of choice here, let’s go get back in bed.”My love for you was so selfish. I just wanted you to be happy. I knew you loved me at some point. I remember it like it was yesterday. So I guess you can say ..u used to love me, but just commonly. You said I didn’t understand cause I had no passion.  The truth is, I used to have a passion. Now I just dream about my passion.

I have been really missing my ex this last month or so. Not the most recent ex but the one before last. And by "ex" i do not mean most recent bedmate. Those are two different kinds of people in my book..

Anyways... I have been having these super vivid dreams about him. Not in the least sexual. But they were so vivid i woke up a couple of times crying.. just because i woke up and realized it was a dream. I miss him soooo much.  we were soooo in love. when i started dating him, Courtney said something changed in me. and it did. I remember thinking about death, and no longer fearing it. I remember being tired and exhausted from work and pregnant and having the energy to go to the store and going home to make his favorite foods. i remember us stealing our time together.. we would turn off the tv, the celll phones, light candles, and get in the bath tub together and just talk and drink, or smoke cigs and just be. we would put on marvin gaye and  just lay together naked on the carpet an talk about life. i remember his son and how much it made me happy to see the two of them happy together.
I know in my heart that he was troubled with himself and his direction in life. he had an artistic soul... could play multiple instruments and do lots of things musically, he knew how to tinker with different shit. he was always planning out his future. he never wanted to be famous but to be rememberd for doing something special if you can understand the difference. 
i use to have lots of trouble sleeping...hell sometimes i still do. but whenever i layed with him, i was at peace. he made me comfortable. he would put a hand on my stomach and i would cringe and try to move away. but he eventually made me understand that he didnt care about my stomach. i know he loved me genuinly.but something changed in him that made him want to leave me.  he never disrespected me or cheated on me that i know of. he moved away to pursue his music. and he is doing it and meeting people and doing lots more artistically. he seems to be happier. i just wish he could have been happier with me.  i was crushed when he left me. i stayed in bed for weeks except going to work. i didnt even eat. i would just go to work and come home and sleep and cry and work and sleep and cry. tomorrow is his birthday. and in a few days will be the anniversary of when we lost the baby we made. i think that was the last straw. when that happened i knew it was the end of us. our baby died inside of me and we died the same day.  he use to say that he was too happy with me and if he stayed with me he would just be happy with basic life and wouldnt pursue his dreams. god forbid if your happy with basic life.
but i truly believe there is still real love between us. i just found out that hes been in town... about since the time i started having the dreams.   there has to be something connecting us, right? how else could my brain know that he was here. 
i sent him an email . a poem really. about my thoughts , about our love, about our past. at the end i begged him not to respond and to delete it.  of couse i want him to respond back that he loves me still. but i know that he is with someone else and that i am no longer his number one lady. i dont want to fuck with his head but me not telling him how i was feeling was fucking with mine.
i really hope he is happy because he deserves happiness. i just still hold on to maybe one day his happiness may include me again.
sometimes i understand about him saying he was to content. we were both too happy in our own little world. both piseces and constant dreamers. 

i am now coming to terms with the fact that everyone i have had a relationship with after him has been in an attempt to forget him. and i just cant. i try really really hard but  it hasnt happened for me yet. 

i just pray that he still has a connection to me like i obviously do to him.  

i fucking hate this feeling. i hate being helpless. how could someone who loved me so dearly move on and away from me like that? i have never been unrealistic and i know what love "actions" are like. all of his actions except leaving me were love. i cant hate him for wanting to satisfy his soul. *sigh*

12. I bought two pairs of size 12's at the Gap yesterday. Jeans and a pair of slacks.

No joke, I havent worn a 12 since probably high school. Granted, Ive got a bit of a muffin top but I cant help that. I carry , my weight on top so until I loose some more weight it will be there. its not too too bad. But if anyone knows a great pair of jeans for an upside down triangle shape please let me know. My lower half is the first to loose the weight and my upper half is the last. My waist unfortunately is bigger than my hips and butt but not bigger than my breasts. Sheesh.

standing in front of the mirror.  My body is looking more familiar everyday. My hips and butt are no longer completely covered by fat stomach rolls.  Dont get me wrong... the rolls are still there but barely anymore.  My legs have their definition back.  I can see muscle definition in my thighs  and calves again. Watch out Halle! Here comes natalie.  hahahahahhaah totally kidding.    But I am loving the changes I am seeing in my body. Now just if someone else could love the changes. ha!

I hope everyone is having a great day! I am not a big Christmas person...I really think Christmas is for kids... I absolutely hate the way Christmas is ll about the excess of gifts and presents. I think that is fun for the kids but it added unnecessary stress to my life. the last thing i need is another reson to spend money. my ideal christmas is rest and relaxation with the one i love. but no one to love this chistmas.  i am spending christmas like i usually do... home alone sleeping and watching tv... which is alll i wanna do.... except maybe prove to someone what i naught girl i can really be.ha!

I am going to finish packing up my clothes today and tomorrow. i havent unpacked any of my boxes i just need to get my clothes together. I will be able to celebrate new years eve in my new apartment. i cant wait... but the sucky thing is.... i have 3 dates potentionally... the most recent ex..... the new dick... and an oldy but goody friend. I usually spend my new years eve with a "sure good thing". I like to start the new year on the good foot if you know what I mean. ha. 

i am so thankfully for my band and my return back to my old life... my job had a christmas party and it was one of the first time in a couple of months that everyone has seen me in non-work clothes... my male coworkers were giving me nice compliments all night at dinner..... then after a few drinks I was getting "those looks" from them. I just enjoyed the appreciation for the return to the "old me". It felt super good.  and did I say I looked hella good. .. cause I did. fabulous boots and an A-line skirt..

but i am feeling like a nap so i will talk to you guys later!

I am using this post to help bring me back to reality about what is important to me. I got this band a few short months ago. My inital weight loss was great. But i have noticed the scale a little slower to move now. I was given a very simple wake up call by a perfect stranger. 
I went to waffle house a few days ago... early morning around 7. And this big burley guy went to pay his check. He was having small talk with a waitress that commented that he didnt sit to eat long. He told her it was because he had had gastric bypass. I was feeling extra friendly that morning after enjoying a morning romp with the new lover(see below posts). I volunteered that I had been recently banded. The guy look at me and said great... just don't forget not to eat and drink. 
When I tell you his words hit me like a ton of bricks....  try 2 tons. ha! I could hear Spivak in my head telling me... don't eat and drink. Which makes perfect sense. He said it would strech my pouch... which is probably why even though I have been having regular fills, i wasnt noticing the same weight loss. der! so I have stopped eating and drinking. I feel full a lot faster. 
So I say this to hopefully, give to someone else, what the big burley guy at waffle house gave me. A swift kick in the ass. ha!

And with all of this said... I have gotten back on "the pill"... So that could have  a lot to do with the scale as well.... and my eating habits.

Eating- I am eating more than I should be at this point I feel. I am going to request to see Dr.Spivak personally this month.  Don't get me wrong.... I am not throwing back double quarter pounders anymore.  But I am not just sticking to soups anymore. And my stressful workload hasn't given me a lot of time to grocery shop. But people keep telling me I am looking smaller everyday. So... *shrugs*

On a much brighter note, I told you guys last post about a new gentlemen friend. I have never  experienced intimacy like this with someone so "new". Its like the man can read my brain. And I am not an easy person to read. I have confused the shit out of people all of my life. I am a genius at manipulating people into thinking what I want them to think. (wow did i really just say that out loud). And I feel like I can read his brain. We make love for hours. I feel like we were made for each other. I am not foolish enough to believe in forever...... but I will savor this "here and now" as long as I can.He is dedicated to learning me and I am dedicated to learning him. He knows whats in my heart without me having to tell him. He knows things about me that I have never shared with another person before. I guess that isn't what makes him to special.... but what he will do with this "knowledge" of me is the thing I long to see. Will he appreciate  the "Beautifully Fucked Up" me? He has been trying to get me to use my "words" instead of my body to communicate with him. And for him.... I will try

I went to Spivaks office on this past Tuesday. According to the doctors records I have lost 11.5 lbs since my August visit which is probably pretty good. I for some reason want 10lbs to fall off of me per month. 

I was pretty disappointed... The same fill nurse that I had last time filled me again. (ARGHHHHH). To refresh your memory... I didn't care for her because she seemed to think that I didn't need a fill and I was loosing fine and she didnt want to do floro cause "I am in my child bearing years and I don't need unnecessary exposure to radiation or whatever." 

Same damned scenario.... this time.."I don't think you need a fill.... you have been loosin fine." blah blah blah.  

I mean I  know she is a nurse who has done her job for a long time. I know she is also banded. But I also know when my stomach is allowing me to eat more than I am used to.  Maybe my loosing has to do with me making really tough but good decisions. Maybe im about to try and eat everything in sight... and would like to have the secuity that the band that I PAID FOR... wont allow me to eat any longer. If I could do this shit, on my own.... I would never have gotten the band. Right? I mean ... am I the fucking IDIOT that spent 13000 so that someone could tell me not to maximize of my free fills for the first fill.