...and I'm STILL losing!!

how could "GOD" have a plan for a good man to live his life broken and in pain?!...
Grant's prognosis was discussed yesterday with a few of us and his family in a conference call...
He is a "complete, C4 SCI, quadrapalegic, vent dependent" so the medical community feels that he will not only never walk or use his hands and arms, but he will most likely never be able to breathe or eat or even handle his bowel and bladder functions without 24 hour assistance...

WHAT THE HELL WAS GOD THINKING?!
There is a fate worse than death and it is what Grant is living now....since they told him this, all of his hope has gone...he has been withdrawn and lifeless and every time he looks at me it's with tears in his eyes...His time awake is a nightmare...worse than anything he could imagine...the drugs send him to sleep so he can dream of being whole again...but he always wakes up and cries when he realizes where he is...

He is such a good man...my dearest friend...an amazing lover...an inspiring artist...and loyal beyond words...but full paralysis is the best he gets out of  "god's plan" after the life he had begun for himself...I don't know what to think anymore...I question my faith every minute I sit here in the hospital watching him in a restless, drug induced sleep...

His father is a minister...and his family has so much love and faith...they have offered so much optimism and hope and love to us......a prayer every night before laying down to sleep in recliners next to his bed...and a new prayer of hope and healing every morning...
...and here we are...
Grant told me last night that he "wasn't supposed to survive the accident"...I wonder if he meant that, or if he is wishing he hadn't survived it...wishing he weren't doomed to live trapped in a broken, limp, useless, and scarred body...

I watch the state of California rescue and rehabilitate gang members...who walk out of the hospital "recovered" from their bullet wounds...with enough life left to go out on the streets and shoot someone else...they are given second chances at life....and don't even care...go out to ruin someone elses life...

yet, a good man...loved by so many people, will never know what his life was meant to become...

dear god,
this is a very sad and ironic plan of yours...
if not faith and love and charity, WHAT exactly does it take to get on your good side?
-me

It feels like forever since I've updated here...it's been a lot harder to find time to just sit down and get my thoughts together the last two months...BUT, since next Thursday will be my ONE YEAR surgiversary, I really need to get my numbers and before pics together for my "reveal"...lol...
I'm still spending multiple days and nights each week with Grant in the hospital...and i'm happy to say that every day brings a new "wow" to wear down the edges of the heartbreak little by little...
I'm so grateful that my surgery has given me the energy to be an attentive bedside companion to my friend in his time of need...I dont think 120+ pounds ago I'd be able to be on my feet as much...I wouldnt be able to squeeze around the room to help the nurses with moving and dressing and lifting him like i can now...Grant says he's so happy when I'm there and misses me helping out when I'm not...
so, DAILY,  I thank my RNY for letting me be this new person who can now give so much more...
I'm going to try to gather my thoughts about the last year...all of them, good and bad, and really, HONESTLY define life as it is for me now ONE YEAR after RNY surgery...I'm really not the same anymore...
...and I wouldn't have it any other way...

My dearest friend Grant is paralyzed from the neck down...nobody can tell us anything more than "his spine was not severed, so anything is possible....we will know the extent of the damage once the swelling is gone"...I feel like I've been kicked in the chest...the swelling could take up to two years to clear.

He's a musician, painter and writer...and cannot use those amazingly gifted hands for anything right now....he is so brave and realistic about his situation...he only cries because his dog "Dez" was killed in the accident and he misses her terribly...
We used to hold hands....and now he can't feel my touch...
We would walk around the park...now his legs are a map of scars from broken bones he can't feel...
I want to burst into tears and just fall into his chest...he still smiles and jokes about all the good times yet to be had...
He has no feeling from his neck down...but he still complements my new body  when I walk into his room for a visit...
How can I ever know how to be as good to him as he is to me?...I don't know how to comfort him or make him feel as loved as he makes me feel...
I don't understand why someone so amazing had to have this happen to him...

well, its been a couple crazy weeks since I last updated...

*I'm still losing weight, although very slow now...it still drops a few pounds right before my period...so that's awesome!
*Onederland is an amazing place...everything here fits and looks and feels so much better than before!!
*I still get pissed about the attention from people who ignored me when I was fat....but I love the shocked looks from "new" people when I tell them I had WLS..priceless
*I tolerate all foods very well and am doing much better at incorporating all the food groups into my day.
*I am tracking my calories and exercise every day
*I bought an eliptical machine that rocks (I will exercise at least five days a week!!)
*I dropped some painful baggage from my life and I feel amazing now
*I have noticed very little loose skin or icky spots and Im about 25# from goal!
*I am still holding firm to my NY resolutions:
     1. The Pouch Rules are gospel ...keep it that way, follow them    like religion and do not stray from the good word.
     2. I will be gracious to all the bitches who enjoyed me being fat, and thought they were better than me. No matter what I really want to say to them, I will be a lady.
     3. I will learn to take compliments..I have worked hard and earned every one of them. 
     4. I will continue to be the best wife, friend, lover, sister, aunt, daughter I can be... My new found life has made this so much easier, so I will enjoy this blessing to the fullest!
     5. I will continue to live every day like a rockstar!...that's my always promise to myself!
     6. I will not begin any new flesh projects until my current tattoos are finished... I will be making my artist very comfortable this year!
     7. I will make an entrance everywhere I go...I will not be easily forgotten...I will not ever blend into a crowd...I will never be mistaken for someone else...I wont ever wish I could be someone else...ever!

well...this weekend was amazing...
I'm making a point to have Saturdays as my "me" day from now on...
I couldn't have asked for a better time...and am looking forward to many more...
I truly was the belle of the ball...
i feel amazing

This weekend is something new for me
i'm nervous
and excited
and so so giddy...

It's been a few weeks since i really terrified myself,
tomorrow will make up for lost time...

as long as I remember to breathe...

ok...the numbers are still moving in the right direction, although much slower now...I am so so happy to report that I think my "loose skin" is going to be minimal after all is said and done here...

I have been buying sun dresses recently ( a lot!)...I'm just so stunned when I slide one on and look at myself...I LOVE how long my legs look...I was told yesterday, by a total stranger, that I have a very sexy back and shoulders...amazing...i was so shocked that i just smiled and walked away, kinda shell-shocked...

so now I have to really get down to making my dress for G's wedding...I'm so not thrilled by his decision to do this, but I am secretly really excited for the first REAL reason for me to get all dressed up...Im gonna look better for his wedding than i did at my own...lol
oh well...I just gotta make sure we take tons of pics...it occurred to me that if i were to die, theres no "pretty" pictures of me for the funeral...gotta get all over that!