In philosophy, reality is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or might be imagined. In a wider definition, reality includes everything that is and has been, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible. A still more broad definition includes everything that has existed, exists, or will exist.

Sometimes in our hopes or dreams, our reality can become so blurred and even forgotten. In the last week I have been contemplating many, many things. With the impending appointment with my surgeon fast approaching, and my desire to "get this done", I am hit with the reality of it all.

For many years of neglecting my health, ignoring the "signs", I got myself to where I was... no doubt about it.  Along this journey I have learned so much and I must stop and realize things cannot be rushed because of "want". Yes, for sure I do NEED my hernia fixed, that is a given. But in all reality, when I really think of my situation, I now know in all honesty that come in 3 weeks I will not be having my hernia repair. I will be having the VSG; a wonderful tool that I know will help me immensely along my journey to get me to my goal and keep me there.

With the extreme of my hernia repair, I know it will be  major surgery; one that cannot be rushed into and I would be a fool to assume or push for it to be. I know tests and scans need to be done, plastic surgeons to confer, as well as my surgeon needs to be well prepped going in to know the best course of action not to mention my weight to be down  to the point there will be absolute no doubt of breaking out the repair. Having total faith in my surgeon and he doing what's best for me, I truly feel without even hearing it from him, that his plan on wed will be VSG in Dec and hernia repair by the end of Jan/Feb which I will totally agree with.

Living with this hernia, I want to do what is best and safe for me... not rush it.... and do this proper. I know I will feel more secure in a repair at a lower weight  than what I am now. Having a repair and living with the fear of my size pushing it out is something I don't need and would rather have confidence going in for full recovery without any complications. This is my reality today, and I am happy with it.

Another reality check was in the last week showing some of my family and friends my hernia. A big step for me. I guess in showing it, made it more real, "a coming out of the closet" so to speak. Having been super morbidly obese, having my guts hang fully outside my abdominal wall is a sight... but it is my reality and something I live with daily. ( Click HERE to see a picture of my present reality; be forewarned, it is not pretty and may be offensive to some) A reminder how I once neglected my health and allowed it to happen over a fear of doctors and lack of esteem that "I didn't matter".

Never has it become more evident to me in the past 2 years that one's health is so important, and we must do whatever it takes to gain every ounce we can. If I can in my life inspire others to get healthy I will. I feel all that I have gone through and am going through is for a purpose. There is always a reason for the things that happen in our lives. If we open our hearts to learn, we become richer for it... n hey...I am the richest woman alive and will gladly share.... "HEALTH IS WEALTH"!!!

It is nearly 8 months ago when Dr Ellsmere asked those words “Are you committed to this”. I was taken aback when asked that, for I had already lost 120 pounds, surely that must show commitment? I hesitated in answering him and gave a very weak “yes”. But after going home, reading and seeing that there was a lot more I could do… the word commitment took on a whole new different meaning.

“Commitment is what transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak, boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak, louder than the words.
It is making the time, when there is none.
Coming through, time after time after time, year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff character is made of;
The power to change the face of things.
It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.”

It is said, “There is a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.”

I needed to be committed to me. I dug in, did what needed to be done, stuck with it even when things were real hard... and today as a result in learning what I did, I continue on this journey stronger. Losing weight is hard work, and many do not see that part, or hear the conflict within…. they see the weight loss, not the doubt, sweat, tears, uncertainty and aloneness one can feel on this journey at times.

8 months later and with 155 more pounds gone, I can say with no hesitation or doubt, yes I am committed. Of all the times I have dieted, lost then gained again and then some…. those days are gone. I realized I never changed my lifestyle or my behaviors; I just followed a diet only to return to the way I once was. I was not committed. I can say, without a doubt the pounds gone are gone forever…. I did not lose them, I will not be trying to find them EVER AGAIN.

For those of you struggling with a lifestyle change, I ask you “Are you committed to this?” I hope for your own health you will examine yourself honestly and make those changes.

Today seems like one of those days that my mind is thinking back on many, many things. Not that reflection doesn’t happen any other day but today is a bit different. Today I am finally out of the 300's. I was 299.0lbs this morning. I don't think it really has sunk in yet, probably will take a bit to sink in. 50 more pounds and I will be able to get this hernia fixed... man things are happening!! 

This weekend will also mark two years since I started to get healthy. Two years, WOW, so much has transpired; when I think of everything it is hard to believe.I guess first starting off on my journey, I really wasn't focused on me. Sure I needed a health change as much as my husband and knew it, but in helping him... he helped me.... and I helped myself. I miss having that companionship but I truely feel love is eternal...and it's that love that keeps me going and pressing me forward. One thing Curtis taught me is health is so important and life is precious...we need to fight for every single breath.... this is my fight against obesity.... towards being healthy.

Life has changed so much for me, sometimes it's hard to grasp. Still there are days when a “down feeling” comes over me and doubts slip in, discouragement seeps through, and for short times I do struggle. I think I always will have those moments; I just don’t talk of them much or don’t share when I have them. I have found ways to muddle through them n keep going… you have to when alone.

Changes, lol wow....just the other day while walking in the mall, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrored glass; I had to take a double look… I guess it rather shocked me. WOW, is that me? I had to take another look lol. Sometimes I have to pinch myself at the physical changes going on. It is in these time your "fat" brain has to assimulate to it all lol. Perhaps I finally need a full length mirror at home eh lol. A few people have used the term "skinny" when describing me.. I really have to chuckle because that is just not a term associated with me LOL. but I guess compared to how I use to be, I guess one might use that term to describe as in comparison to what I was.

Walking daily on the 289 for the last 6 months I have had many vehicles “beep” their horn or “wave”… not having a clue as to the “who”  of many of them, I give a “nod” or “wave” going by.  I have had two occasions where two vehicles have slowed down to quickly give me praise on my progress then quickly speed off… still not knowing who exactly they are. It makes me smile that just a stranger in passing who happens to see a difference in me over the months as they travel by, would stop and acknowledge it. How one life can touch another without even speaking... guess I am having wow moments along this journey.  

There are sections of the road where Curtis & I first started walking together; they hold special memories. I often talk to him on my walks, feel like he is there with me listening to my ramblings. From laughter to tears while walking, if one looked close enough they surely would think a mad woman’s loose from Dartmouth lol.   When I think how walking from the car to the grocery store or from the door of the hospital to the elevator was a big task for me, and now here I can walk almost 4mph and not tire, and walk to Eric Sandeson’s  or Bea Kennedy’s!! LOL Colin always teased me asking if I made it to Brookield yet LOL I figure I could in a little over 2 hours praps if I wanted lol.  

I looked at my BMI this morning, 42.93. WOW 6 months ago in Dr Ellsmere’s office I was 61.6 and am down 131.1 lbs since. I wonder if that’s commitment for him lol.  

I walk into stores now looking at the clothes...actually seeing clothes that fit me!! Being able to fit into xl & 2x clothes from once wearing 8x and upwards. Had to make my clothes for nothing in the stores fit me. Seems different to go into a store n be able to pick over clothes that fit. Even to try on other people clothes is cool;  had tried on my sisters gee (sp?) the other day, not to mention I now can wear Curtis’ jean shirt and fall jacket.  Everything is just sooo different.

Another thing in my life which amazes me..I am now on one injection of 3u of insulin a day!! WOOO HOOOO!!! I was on 2 injections of 90u & 80u 2 years ago…. And  I DID IT!!  When I think  of it all it really blows my mind... I am nearly off insulin and I got myself off my blood pressure meds too...definitely everything is changing for the good and I feel great!!! and I know I am healthier that I have ever been in years. 

Well I have 251 pounds gone.. WOW!! I now stop myself from using the term “lost” because usually when losing something, you try and find it LOL well, I definitely do not want to ever find 251lbs ever again!!

Well here's to the next 110lbs to go.... watch out!! here I come!!

I must say, to those who are struggling on your weightloss journeys... hang on, keep at it... YOU CAN MAKE IT!! Look at me.. if I can do it...anyone can... YOU & YOUR HEALTH are SO WORTH IT!!

1. Make sure you drink your MINIMUM 8 cups of water daily. I now drink 9 cups a day, when I add the liquid from my food I can add 2 1/2 more cups. A total of 11 ½ cups daily.
2. My caloric intake is NO MORE than 1200 a day. I choose WISELY with those 1200 calories. I have 3 meals a day as well as 3 healthy snacks a day to keep my blood sugars level as well as to feed my metabolism. You can see my food logs on myfitnesspal.com.
3. I plan my meals AHEAD. “fail to plan…plan to fail” It’s best to plan so you can choose wisely and not be grabbing in a last moment … which sometimes can lead to poor choices.
4. My sugar content I keep LOW. I try to keep 8grams of sugar per 100 calories. Some fruits are higher in sugar and that is OK. I keep sugar content in mind and choose wisely. I usually have two fruits a day which helps keep my bowl movement regular. If for any reason I do not have a bowl movement, and the fruit or veggies I eat does not work, I get out the benefiber.
5. I eat a lot of salads and vegetables
6. My sodium I keep an eye on. I use no salt. Sometime the choices I have may have higher sodium content but I moderate them. Salt retains fluid, affects blood pressure and too much can create weight gain, not a friend if trying to lose weight. One day I decided to treat myself to a 4oz strip loin with steak spice… my treats are far and few between, but I enjoyed it immensely… so did my scales the next morning with a 1 ½ pound gain LOL not to worry, it came off in a day, but sure was interesting to see salt at work.
7. My protein must be 60-80 grams a day. I actually strive for 80 grams a day. Protein keeps the lean muscle mass not to mention it is a healer.
8. I make sure to take a muli-vitamin daily. Whatever I do not get from my food, I feel I will get from my vitamin. My doctor checks my blood every 3 months so I do not become deficient on anything.
9. I do not eat after 7pm.
10. I have divorced potato chips, bars, candy, sweets etc. Potato chips were always a downfall and one is never enough for me, so for me it is best I stay away.
11. I absolutely have NO pop NO caffeine NO alcohol NO gum.
12. I make sure to eat slow, savor and enjoy what I eat, on smaller plates/dishes.. Making new “comfort” foods is my plan.
13. I limit my carbs. Although my carb intake is not as low as some call “low”, for me to limit is best. I still have an occasional small baked potato, or ½ cup of rice, once in a blue moon pasta. Bread I have stayed away from by choice. I use a snackbread with my tuna salad etc. that I find very satisfying.
14. I keep my fats low. I use skim milk, low fat cottage cheese, low fat cheese, extra lean hamburg, becel, calorie wise dressings. Olive oil IF I happen to use any oil in cooking.
15. I still have occasional slice of bacon or one slice of pizza but I fit it into my diet plan or not have it. Even for my birthday I had baked a sugar free banana cake. Who said you can’t have your cake and eat it too LOL. One small calculated piece though fit into my diet plan and it was very satisfying.
16. I walk DAILY. For 45 minutes I walk briskly with 2 ½ lb weights on each wrist, lifting my arms up every 100 steps for 60 then repeat. It is my cardio time you could say…a time where a light sweat is made. I then go for another walk but times vary. Dependant on my pedometer is how long of a walk I take. My goal is to always get at least 10000 steps in a day. Lately I have been getting 11000 to 18000, which I log. I walk RAIN or SHINE no excuses.
17. I lift weights daily. To help tone my arms.
18. I weigh regularly. Usually every morning as soon as I get up but after I have used the washroom. Some may go crazy doing this, but for me I can stay on top of my progress and react.
19. Work on my behavioral changes. I examine myself regularly and pin point those behaviors, which are not doing so good and figure what plan I have to re-adjust to help change them
20.  I make sure I get my sleep. At least 7 hours for me.Our bodies while sleeping restores and in fact burns calories while it rests. Therefore, sleep is very important in weight loss.