I don't know what is wrong with me. I couldn't stop crying today. I'm 4 days away from surgery and I'm so scared. I keep doubting my decision. I feel like I have to do everything for the last time. It's like I'm saying goodbye to my life. I'm not sure if I'm afraid something is going to happen during the surgery or if I'm afraid of life after the surgery. I'm doing this because my weight has ruled my life and is the one thing I can't get to go right, but I also think what will I be like without food. I'm not even a drinker, but I was upset when my friend canceled on me to go out partying for the last time. It's so ironic because I currently never go out because I'm too fat. The one thing I like is food and yet food is what makes me miserable, but I'm afraid to say goodbye to it. I think the food funerals were a bad idea. Deep down I know this is what I need to do for myself to have a real life again. One that involves other people and other events besides having a date with food and the television. Goodbye old life and hello new life. I took my pre-op pics today. Don't plan on looking at them until a few months from now. No need to start crying again.