ObesityHelp

so this month has been completely insane because i took a winter class which means fitting an entire semester into 11 days. I went to the gym for a week straight the first week of january, then i got overloaded with homework and havent gone in a week. I weigh myself about every 2 days and the scale is either not moving or going up 2-3lbs. but i have to keep telling myself that the actual number doesnt matter, its how i look and feel that is the important part. i think i have this unrealistic goal for myself because i forget that with my 6 foot frame, being 150 lbs isnt even a healthy goal. Right now i am gonna focus on losing 20 lbs by march. than another 20 by the end of the school year. that would put me at 200. i think that is reasonable. i just need to put in the effort.  

wow i cannot believe that  a year ago today i ad my surgery. it's bittersweet because i am still so far from where i need to be, that i get these overwhelming waves of depression and i just want to give up. i still have to lose 100 lbs to even be near my goal and not to mention the skin removal surgery i am going to need. i feel like i am right back where i started minus 130 lbs from my highest weight in 2009. there are weeks when i hit the gym every day and then i find myself not going for an entire month. i keep thinking to myself, what if, what if. what if i did what i was supposed and stuck to the diet, what would i look like now? it is so frustrating to be in this body. i look decent in clothes, but when I'm naked i look like a melted candle and i want nothing more than to crawl under the covers and not come out until I'm at my goal weight. i hate to sound depressing in all my blog entries, but this is what I'm feeling and i am sick of it.  I'm sick of the fat on my body being the one thing my life has always been all about. i have so many things i want to do and the fact that i am letting what i look like stop me, is mind blowing to me. i told myself that today, being the anniversary, i am going to lose the hundred pounds by the end of this year and have my skin removal by the end of next year. i am going away to college in the fall and i am going to be living on my own, with roommates of course, but it will be my first time doing this so i don't know how I'm going to workout or buy my food. so basically for the next two years i am supposed to be finishing college and be on my way to my goal weight. just typing that overwhelmed me. i want to do this in a healthy way and not starve myself on a ridiculous diet for a month then binge for twice as long like i am used to doing. so i started taking my vitamins again today and went for a walk. baby steps is where I'm at now, but eventually, I'm gonna get there.

 every month the 15th creeps up on me. i always remember at a random point during the day that another month has gone by and i am no where near where i should be. i am so disappointed in myself and i feel as though i have let everyone down. when i think about my diet now i am disgusted in myself. i havent seen my doctor or surgeon since september and i havent taken vitamins since october.  i wouldnt take back having this surgery at all, i would do it twenty more times, in fact i may have to. i dont know how much i weigh today, probably around 300, i was 368 on my surgery day on june 15th. i wonder what i would look like if i actually stuck to the proper post op diet and went to the gym everyday. guess i'll never know.

i was so busy today i did not even realize that today marks two months since i had RNY. I think the past two months have been like a trial and error time period for me, and now i am ready to kick things into high gear. With school starting in two weeks, i want to have a daily routine that includes the gym 6 days a week. i might try the whole going to the gym at 5 am thing. but only two days during the week. I also want to start eating organic but not vegetarian. Also, since i healed so fast and have not had any problems whatsoever, i have been able to eat more, which is actually not a good thing for me. i am not going to write down some of the things i tried, but they are the things that got me to 428 lbs. Old habits die hard. more like a slow, slow, painful death. I will never be back to where i was, and this coming year i am going to kick my own ass into the shape i was meant to be in. I just spent a bunch of money on new clothes, not necessarily smaller, but it feels so good to be able to go to a store and be able to pick out a size (albeit still a plus size) and hav eit fit comfortably. Target has this amazing new plus size line called pure plus and everything is so cute and i look really adorable in all the stuff! i am starting to realize the error of my ways and the future is looking brighter every day!

BTW: last august of 2009 i was 428, as of last friday, i am 100 lbs lighter!!!!!!!