I think i'm going to start charting my moods for a month to see if there is a pattern. This rollercoaster is hard to be on. It's hard to accept that this is how my life will be, continually battling myself to limit the damage i do to myself, getting a short reprieve then starting over again. I am going to see some new doctors in hopes that they can help w/ the binge eating thoughts. i know i have to get off the carbs but i only stay off them if i am not crushed by desire to eat them. I can't lock myself up. i have to continue living my life. I hope i find the strength to overcome this. I stretched today and haven't eaten anything bad so far. i know, it's only 7:40 am but still! Anyway, i'm actually going to try to work today. Imagine that.

Apparently the part of me that controls what is put in my mouth wants nothing to do with the right thing. It wants all the things that make me feel sick and throw up. It wants the things that keep me at the same weight for over a month. At least I haven't gained! It's weird. Life is so weird. I guess I am still addicted to drama, cuz I'm the only thing causing that in my life right now. It was embarrassing this weekend when i ate two pieces of sicilian pizza and had to throw it up. I went upstairs and closed the door to the bathroom, hoping my husband would not hear me. But if you've every thrown up after RNY, it sounds like you are dying. So eventually he came up and opened to door, asking me if I was throwing up. I said yeah and he left. I guess he doesn't know what to do with me. he watches me eat the pizza and then go upstairs and throw up. That must be hard to witness. He has never been addicted or afflicted with such a irrational behavior so it's hard for him to understand. I am living it and it's hard for me too. I'm actually a rational, intelligent person. But my actions do not reflect this. I am ruining an opportunity to lose weight and be healthy. I am ruining an opportunity to have a child with my husband. I am wasting the time I have in this lifetime. I have so much to offer and so many things I could be doing rather than sitting in bed all day, eating, sleepng and watching movies. There is so much more of life out there. But I continue to hide away. Sticking my head in the sand. What would I do if I found out tomorrow that I had only a short time to live? I would be flooded with regret. But I would live my life. I tend to wait to the last minute to do stuff but I didn't realize i was doing that with life. 

I feel sick right now cuz i've been eating badly all day. I even threw up a little after drinking coffe with sugar and eating cheetos. WTF!!!
I wish I could beat my own ass in shape!!! I want to not feel separate anymore. I want to merge and be one. One desire, one action, one life. One Nicole.

The last two days i've been eating badly, at least trying to, cuz of anxiety i guess. i don't really need to have an excuse, do i? it's weird that i am so unwilling to stop trying to eat badly. i'll feel sick, puke, whatever i have to do. why is that? it doesn't make any sense. i have a great life, i don't have an excuse. so why do i do this to myself. it's like i'm possessed by a demon. it fucking sucks people. it really does. this is making it impossible for me to move on and be happy. i just want to be happy. but you can not be happy feeling sick or puking every day. that is just not right. i'm going to pray, even though i don't believe in god, that tomorrow i wake up cured from my addiction. i want it gone. i can't live w/ this. what do other people do? do they just die young? that fucking sucks.

I guess when my hair started to fall out, I figured I had to stop eating like an idiot and start eating my protein again. Just one day of doing that and the hair has slowed down. So i am happy about that. tomorrow i start my new job. i can't wait. it will be cool. hopefully once that starts, my mind will settle and it won't be such a struggle for me.  

I am back listening to my eckhart so i am gaining my perspective again. I keep cycling between misery and happiness. it's hard to deal with but i think i just need to accept that is how things are and to better handle the bad times. war against anything begets more war. so i can't fight and win against my desire to eat. i just have to accept it and maybe make better decisions so that if i can't stop myself from eating something, i can at least only eat a small amount or not enough to feel sick. that is what i did this morning. i got a bagel sandwich and didn't eat the whole thing and feel ok. i had my coffee this morning but used the fake sweetener. and didn't eat the danish. so i am just going to have to work through these times without throwing my hands up in the air and eating til i get sick. i did that last night with ice cream. i even knew when i was eating it i would feel sick. my mistake wasn't eating it but how much of it i ate. next time i am going to eat enough to satisfy my desire for it but throw the rest out when i'm finished. so i've decided to stop fighting and just live my life the best i can. i won't spend as much time on the boards because most people will say what i am doing is wrong. but i just want to be happy. if that means not being thin, that's ok. i'm going to exercise and take care of myself the best i can. when i feel good, i'll maximize those times. and when i feel bad, i'll minimize the damage. so today i plan on eating what i want, just a small amount so i don't feel sick. so since i'm not fighting it, i allow myself to be in the right mindset to not hurt myself.