This is the second week that i've really been trying hard to stay on track. i've made a couple mistakes but nothing too bad. i've been exercising every day, although the weekend i basically cleaned, which for me is exercise! I walked the dog a couple times too. This week I can tell is going to be a little bit harder so my focus is going to be needed. Last night I ate two kaiser rolls and one of them had peanut butter and jelly. Mind you my dog helped me eat them but still. Oh yeah, I drank an alcoholic beverage. luckily it was the last one. I gained a pound but I think that's because I keep weighing myself and my scale is trying to fuck with my head. So I'm putt the scale away and I'm not getting on it until Monday. Yikes, Monday. Can I do it? I sure hope so. I have to keep challenging myself to become stronger mentally and physically. It's important to keep moving forward in my life. I can't keep holding on to the past and the mistakes that lay there.

I think today is going to be a bit tough because I'm feeling bad about my husband. He just told me he will be away for four days and it's bothering me. I am worried that I will be lonely and emotional. Isn't that weird? Luckily thursday I see my psychiatrist. Hopefully things will go well and she will change my prescription.

I am so proud of myself right now. I finally got back on track and am eating right and exercising every day. It feels good though I am sore! But I feel so much better about myself. It goes to show that most of my unhappiness comes from my own actions. So I have control over my happiness. I'm losing weight again, too. I am finally at 270. I've been stuck at 275 for a month. It was great to see the scale move. I found these indian breads that have 30 carbs and 14 grams of protein. they are called onion nan. I am so happy. Now I have something to use when I need that carb taste plus it has all that protein. It's so awesome! Now the weekend is coming so it's go time. The weekends are the hardest for me to stay on track. I tend to be very lazy and get depressed. So keep your fingers crossed I stay on track.

Well, I've been off the last four days and it was nice but I didn't take advantage of it. I was supposed to go to Florida but cancelled the trip because my hubby was sick. I was partly relieved because I wasn't feeling up to doing much. Unfortunately, I've been sleeping too much and my back is killing me right now. I wish I had my oxycodone! This back thing sucks. Today should be an ok day for food. not perfect but not a total disaster either. That is all I can ask for anyway, right? I'm looking forward to the day I'm not in back pain. That will be great.

I think i'm going to start charting my moods for a month to see if there is a pattern. This rollercoaster is hard to be on. It's hard to accept that this is how my life will be, continually battling myself to limit the damage i do to myself, getting a short reprieve then starting over again. I am going to see some new doctors in hopes that they can help w/ the binge eating thoughts. i know i have to get off the carbs but i only stay off them if i am not crushed by desire to eat them. I can't lock myself up. i have to continue living my life. I hope i find the strength to overcome this. I stretched today and haven't eaten anything bad so far. i know, it's only 7:40 am but still! Anyway, i'm actually going to try to work today. Imagine that.