Alright, I went and had the EKG. It was not done by a Cardiologist. It was done by a tech (who was so cute and sweet) I am sure you all know how it feels to not get an immediate answer. He stated that; “He can not play Doctor”. I guess that it takes around 48 hours to get the information and the doctor to report to my PCP. I wanted the answer today. I am never this impatient but, the rest of my, quality of life depends on these results. I hope that they get it done faster. It still has to go to the insurance co. as well. I am probably looking at another week or slightly longer to get an answer and surgery booked. Life has been on my side lately, filled with many blessings that I never take for granted. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I am going to be happy and not give into self wallowing. This process may be long; I keep trying to keep the rest of my life on my mind so I do not get discouraged over the wait. I am lucky to be where I am. Everyone has been so kind to me lately.

Here is the update. I got a call from the wonderful, Alta at Dr. Oakley’s office yesterday. She had just spoken to my insurance Co. I was given approval for the surgery provided; I get a pre-surgery cardiac evaluation with an EKG. I have the best PCP and his nurse is awesome. They got me into have this done tomorrow morning. I called, Alta back to tell her and ask about the results. Where they need to go after I am done, my PCP or their office. While talking to her, I reconfirmed that they are really 100% positively going to approve me provided I pass the EKG? SHE SAID YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAID! So that means that I should have a surgery date by next week. Unfortunately Dr. Oakley is booked out until mid August as of yesterday, so I may not be getting surgery until Sept. 

I feel a bit sad that I have to wait, yet at the same time realize that in the big picture, one extra month is really not going to matter. I am going to get healthier it will just take me awhile longer to get there. I am going to start using the treadmill everyday leading up to my surgery. I know that if I do, it will be much easier to acclimate after the surgery. I know that I am going to be tired after surgery and if I built up to a higher level of tolerance to exercise, the transition with be easier. I have time to form a new routine, an exercise habit; if you will.

I feel really confident that the EKG will be fine. They are making me do it because I took Phen- Phen for a month 10+ years ago. Seems like a waist of money to me. But, if it is necessary to get the surgery then that is what I must due. After I have a surgery date finally set, I will be able to relax. My mind has been so focused on how this surgery is going to affect my life; less pain, more energy. I held up a size 6 pair of pants last night while out shopping. I have spent so much of my time focusing on being free of pain that I wasn’t thinking about how much better I will look. To be able to go out in public and not have people looking at me like I must be a pig. Plus to be able to feel pretty again, that is a big bonus!

My former in-laws came to my house on Monday for the first time since, I left Oregon almost 4 years ago. It was really hard to see them in some ways and in other ways a relief that it was done and over with. My ex-father in law is a very simple minded, prejudice person. We were sitting down to dinner and he just started going off about how my 13 year old daughter would never find a young man that would want to be with her because she is a bit chubby. I piped up and said; that is not true I am very heavy and found someone to love me and my children. Needless to say, I was happy to see them leave!!!

I still have some family here this week until Monday. They are great and we are going to have a good time today.

I will keep you posted on the EKG and the surgery date. I hope you all are well, happy and loosing.

Physical pain that requires prescription pain meds that can be addictive and make me feel spacey and grumpy.

Loss of quality of life due to the pain and my girth in general. I have bladder control problems at 35. I have a hard time wiping my bum after I go to the bathroom. This is raw truth, I am sorry I had to add it.

Inability to work because of pain and fatigue. I miss working. I do not want to be supported by government or state benefits. If I am able to get healthy, I can go back to work and be a productive member of society again. I have been an Optician for 12 years and managed a private practice.

All the little things that is routine such as putting on my shoes, take a lot of effort and loss of breath. Buckling my seatbelt because all my weight, for the most part in the center of my body, I am afraid if I keep gaining, I will no longer fit into a normal seatbelt.

Unable to do things that are active and healthy, because I get tired and winded and in pain.

All of life’s necessary routines, such as housework and yard work, etc.… I get it done; it is just much harder, time consuming and painful!

Fear of being in a wheelchair soon. I have extreme hip pain at times; I can hardly walk. It is defeating and emotionally hard to deal with.

I am sure that I have sleep apnea. My snoring starts before, I am fully asleep and at times I wake up feeling out of breath. I am always very tired.

I am afraid that I will get type 2 diabetes because I had gestational diabetes and was told by my OB/GYN that I had a 85% chance of developing it and maybe higher due to my weight. I have been overweight for a long time.

I have a family history of heart problems, diabetes, cancer and obesity from both sides.

I have Hepatitis C; I went on interferon (chemo therapy) and an anti-virus medication that I was unable to stay on, due to obesity related pain and inability to pay for the medical bills. I need to get healthier, so that I can tolerate the meds and go back on that treatment before it causes serious medical complications.

I have liver disease already and am afraid that the fat around my liver is going to cause more rapid onset of liver problems and need a liver transplant or cause me to die before it is my time.

Fear of obesity related cancer. I have already had to fight cancer in my teenage years.I have a polycystic ovary currently.

Fear of not being around for my children. I have no person in my life that could take all five; this is my greatest fear and greatest motivation. I do not want my children to be cheated out of all I have to offer them in life, not just as children but as adults. I love them more then is humanly possible to put into words. I am very sad to think that they might never get me back and be stuck with a sick, handicapped mother. I want to know my grandchildren someday. I want to be able to help with them and be a loving entity in their lives. My very fist example of what creates happiness was from my own grandmother (see picture of us together, in my photos). I am only 35 and feel like I am much older. The quality of time that we can spend together doing healthy activities is limited. I am afraid that they will suffer from obesity as well. I want to set a better example.

Anxiety and depression due to all of the above. Having to be dependant on medications related.

This is my Chinese horoscope for the day of my appointment with Dr. Oakley! I am the sign of the OX, I never take this stuff to heart, but..

These are not the exact words from that deleted blog; however the same train of thought. I deleted it because I was here on this site to document my personal weight loss and felt like I was off track. I am going to let myself write as freely as I want; this is now my diary in general. I feel much more connected to the people on this site then any other. I changed a couple of my prior blog's as well and added another poem that I wrote to one.

I woke up this morning and received an email message from a kind and equally concerned person. She stated that she thought that "I should keep on keeping on". If I made just a few think about this then that is a few more that are closer to change. So, here are some of my thoughts...

Quote by: Kahlil Gibran
Where is the justice of political power if it executes the murderer and jails the plunderer, and then itself marches upon neighboring lands, killing thousands and pillaging the very hills? 

I have been upset about the cost of the war, $500,000 per minute, not calculating in all the loss of life (no currency can equate those losses), Politics contributes billions times more on other ridiculous practices, Religious manipulation, that can not be calculated but, I am sure many more billions per year. This list could keep growing, you get the idea.

I wrote; that I wondered how many doctors and patients are requesting unnecessary medical testing, when it was simple obesity related issues that through education, surgery, etc… Could solve, before they become out of control causing the serious, money consuming and painful loss of quality and quantity of life.

I used myself as an example; I personally requested costly medical testing that was unnecessary, because I failed to see my own obesity as the cause of my own personal weight related pain and some (not all) of my health problems. It was not all my fault read on!

I have had every medical test done that you can imagine to the tune of over $65,000.00 in the past few years. You know, not once did any doctor that I saw and there were several if you take into account the visits to the E.R. make any mention that my chief complaints could be due to my weight! That is an eye opener! I have done my homework on obesity related issues, ALL of my chief complaints fit into that diagnosis. Instead, I was treated as if I was suffering from anxiety or something else. What a waste of money! Why is it so hard to come right out and say; I think that it may be caused by your weight? Did they think that telling me that I was having an anxiety attack was a better diagnosis? Yah, make me feel crazy instead of helping me get better. It was that or we cant find a reason; here are some more meds. I imagine that there are millions of other people out there that can relate. That is a lot of misused money, time and agony! BTW... My Hep. C, came to light only after I had hundreds of other tests done. I have hundreds after and was told that it was not the cause of my extreme pain and fatigue. 

After years of being obese, my frame is tired, worn out and I can no longer let it get the best of me. I will fight if I have to, in order to get this surgery. I am angry sometimes when I think about that fact that; I could have paid for this, years ago and would be where I am today poor and beat down (but not for long)!! I do believe that this may have happened this way for a reason. Maybe I can be a voice for others that have been in my spot an advocate of sorts (after I win my own fight), so they don't have to fight alone. At least that is how I think to keep from succumbing to extreme frustration and anger! I think that had my current Doctor (bless his heart) not sent me those test results and not listened to me when I spoke of my own body, I may not have been any closer to getting healthy. I would gained more weight and sunk into a deep hole of depression. I don't know how to thank him enough for that.

If only there was not such a prejudice and ideal in regards to what is beautiful and who we are told we are if we are obese (lazy pigs) through direct personal insult and through the media. Americans are spending 40+ billion dollars per year on diets alone, which never work long term. It is a never-ending cycle of manipulation through marketing. I could just keep adding to my list but do not want to focus my energy on this. It is a sorrowful truth. If all the misused, worlds resources were used together in a positive ways, such as education and research, I believe most, if not all of the worlds biggest issues could be solved. No more poverty and hunger, no more diseases (including obesity), our environment (earth) would be enabled to become balanced so no further damage is done. I am a mother and want my children and their children’s, children to live in a world that is headed in a healthy direction. CHILDREN ARE EVRYTHING THAT WE HAVE EVER BEEN AND EVERYTHING THAT WE WILL EVER BECOME! Quote By: Yours truly (me)

I have wished for years that everyone will wake up one day and unite for the greater good. One world community. I know, that I sound like a hippie that is just another label, given to someone that expresses their concerns. 

A peace is of the nature of a conquest; for then both parties nobly are subdued, and neither party loser.
William Shakespeare

I hope that you are all well and happy! Good luck in your venture to loose weight and regain your lives!

I was yet again late to Dr. Oakley’s seminar tonight. There was an accident near where I live in, Meridian. I got stuck in traffic. I just missed the first few minutes. I really liked everything that I heard and feel even more confident in my decision to see him and hopefully get WLS. I had a couple of questions and because I have been so tired today, I had a hard time articulating them. I did not sleep well last night, my hips hurt and I tossed and turned all night. I am counting down the days until my consult with him. I got my weight history going back 5 years in the mail today, so I am really anticipating a good outcome. I have been overweight for a really long time and I am excited to get on with the rest of my life.

I went to see my PCP today, just a check in. I gave him this web site information. I encouraged him to give it to his obese patients, as it is not only a good resource for information but, a network of thousands of other people that are experiencing obesity as well. I told him that in general this site has made me feel more comfortable in my own body due, to the knowledge that there are so many others like me out there. He made a few very good points during our visit. I questioned why no doctor had brought up my obesity as a potential cause of my pain and fatigue, not only him but all doc‘s that I saw before him? He explained it in terms of human to human conversation. It is a sensitive subject, how do you say it without seeming callus or insensitive? If I had been a long term patient, it may have been an easy conversation. I imagine that is a tough situation to be in. I wondered how many people walk in and are not ready to see their weight as an issue, because that would mean lifestyle change? 
 
He spoke of the “biggest looser” he said; “that it opened his eyes to just how hard and time consuming weight loss can be “. He also said; “Who can maintain a normal life while loosing weight the way they were, they had round the clock support and personal trainers”? I do not watch network television and have never watched more then a minute or two, so I am not exactly sure what all it includes. I will have to watch it at least once so that I can relate to what they are saying, as it has been mentioned by several people. I am happy that I have found a doctor that is so willing to listen to me. Look me in the eye and have straight forward, gut level, communication with me. He and his MA, Lena are both very supportive of my choice to have WLS. Not to mention that, not one time have I walked into his office and been treated as if I were less of a person, because I have Medicaid.  KUDO's to you Dr. E, if you read this! You rock!

Ok, in regards to the book that I am reading. I had a meeting at my 6 year olds school today. When I walked up to the front counter, the school secretary buzzed the person whom, I had the meeting with. I guess that they had set up a meeting without checking with me first and sent a note home with him, sometime back. I never got it and we had to reschedule it for today. She said; “Ms. Heather is here, yes she showed up this time, ha, ha” She knew that I heard her as I was standing directly in front of her. She sent me over to sign in. As I walked to the waiting area, I was upset thinking how rude; they are the ones that sent it home with a six year old! Then I was able to apply what I have learned from the book. I realized that was her “ego” speaking and I should not let my “ego” give it anymore thought, just let it roll off. It was a huge moment for me. I can totally see where that is perfect advice to live a happier life. You do not let the thought go any further. No holding onto or giving into negativity. It was refreshing!

In regards to WLS progress...
I am attending the seminar in, Meridian tomorrow night. This time I will not be late! I have just over a week until my consult with Dr. Oakley.

I got to read more of the book I spoke of in my last blog. It is really is amazing. I think that every obese person should read it, for sure. He talks about the human ego. Do not make assumptions; he refers to ego in a way that encourages you realize that you are far more the body you inhabit. It is a giver of hope, viability and a new way to look at life and every situation you face. We are all on this website because of a common connection, obesity (one stage of it or another). He speaks of letting go of all that a person feels about their physical body. Like “I am fat” or “I am ugly” for example we have all said it or felt it. You, your essence is something far more wonderful, beautiful and amazing then you give your self credit for. I am not quoting his exact words, as I do not have the book in front of me, this is summary of what I read. 

We are on a mission to loose weight and to become healthy, right? I think that healing our soul is just as important. Whether or not our self esteem has been affected by our osese body. It has affected us in many other ways. I can testify that it has me. For example will we still be afraid to take the stairs after we loose weight, because we will continue to associate them with pain and loss of breath? Will we see a person that we find attractive and interesting, yet still feel like we are not worthy because we have held onto the weight in your mind even if it is no longer on our body? We need to be willing to actively seek out and journey through our souls to find that negativity and let go of it. I started this journey before I ever heard about this book not related to my weight, but my life in general. After I loose my weight I have a plan to write out the all negative misery that it caused, then set that paper on fire and blow away the ashes.

My own personal quest (other then weight loss and living free of physical pain and cured of my other illness), I have not fully blogged about on this site, is to find an inner peace. Through kindness, forgiving and making a conscious effort to love everyone.I had a tragic event happen in my life (3+ years ago). I will not go into details as there is no point in reliving that event through words. Let’s just say that I was married to a really bad man (I have forgiven him, I will never speak to him, I had to so that I could move past it). The author wrote about the various ways people deal with loss. He said; that after a tragedy some will become more spiritual, while others go down a self-destructive path. This really hit home with me because I have become far more spiritual, after that event. 

Unconsciously this happened. Consciously, I realized that I can not rationalize the irrational. This is another poem that I wrote, words help me find my perspective...


To a Man of day’s past… You spun a eloquent tangled web of words, that I became trapped in, like a butterfly. Temporarily fallen victim to your sweet venom. Paralyzed by your charm…Mesmerized by your beauty… Weakened by your touch… Until I realized the strength of my wings and flew away. With new found freedom the haze clouding my vision is gone. I see so clearly where I need to fly to next. Though the mountains of life may make my journey tough at times. My prior entanglement has taught me much. Another spot on my map guiding my course to enlightenment and true love. 

I have always been very philological and deep thinking about life and the cosmos. Everything and everyone in the universe are composed of the same elements, just different combinations. I have known this for a very long time I have writen about it and think about it everyday. The author suggests that we let our selves feel that connection by letting go of the label, A.K.A, the "word" attached to every living thing. I think that we need, to focus on everything that we like even love about ourselves. Think beyond our physical body. Who makes us who we are and why? No beating you’re self up over anything. 

Anyway… before I write other hundred words, I will sign off.

 
I signed up for the seminar on bypass surgery, held last night; I thought that it started at 7:00pm. It started at 6:00. I thought that I was early and I actually missed the first forty five minutes! 

We met Jennifer (his office coordinator), helping out in the lobby and asked her where the meeting was, she so kindly directed us in. As we walked through the door Dr.Oakley spoke of; there being a genetic element to obesity. I really believe that. I can not tell you how many people there are, that literally think that they are the authority on you and your body and think that they have the right to say so. Any how: I knew that I liked him right off! I am a not only a lover of words, but a lover of straight forward facts. I see no sense in wasting time, sugar coating anything (unless it is to shelter my children from the harsh realities of life).

The defining moment for me was and I cannot quote him verbatim but he basically said; that he thinks that Oprah is full of it! I guess that she did a show on “transfer addiction” indicating that if you are fat, you are a food addict and if you cannot eat away at your problems any longer you will become an addict of another kind. I think that her loyal following is strange. Oprah is almost god like in our country, why? This is one of the great mysteries to me. When he spoke out about how asinine her comments were, I thought that it was brave. It is almost blasphemous in the USA to speak negatively about her. 

That is not to say that; I do not realize how great it is that a black women in America, came to be such an icon. Ethnic prejudice or any prejudice for that matter is the worst form of ignorance! We are all on the same planet in the same universe and composed off the same elements. Ok, I could write for hours on that subject and have so, I will move on…

I watched him as he spoke. I could tell that he is very dedicated and passionate about his work. He and Jennifer have an unspoken connection between each other. I was told that they have worked together for a long time. That indicates a good team. If I have to pick a team that is going to literally change my life, for good. I am happy that I chosen a team that has it together.

Towards the end Dr. O, asked if anyone had any questions. There was a man, who in my mind was some what condescending in his questioning. Dr. Oakley handled it wonderfully, making sure that his answer was satisfying. He was this way with all questions. Some I am sure were redundant, he did not show any sign of frustration. I am even more excited about my appointment with him, next month.

After he was done speaking, he turned the meeting over to, Jennifer. She does really know her stuff and cares. She was in a situation with who I assume to be the grandfather and primary caretaker of a young person that is suffering with obesity. He asked her about age requirements or guidelines in regards to age. He indicated that the child he is caring for and providing for would not be able to qualify due to his age. I think he was 14? The man directed his heart aching question back at her. Stating; “what if he dies, before he reaches the age of 18”? She handled it with grace and compassion and volunteered to stay late to try to help him. Wow, that was a big slap of reality. I hope that because he has insurance, that they can appeal, and with his PCP and Jennifer working together that can get him the help that he needs.

 I have mentioned and understand the health care crisis in America due to my own situation. Healthcare should be a basic human right! It blows me away, if you are poor and need heat in the winter your source of heat cannot be terminated, for obvious reasons. Why is a person not entitled to medical treatment, if they cannot afford it! I am sure that there were several people at the seminar that do not and will not have coverage for it, or the funds to pay for it.  

Who knew I could get so much out of an hour? Blah, Blah, Blah.

Oh, after the meeting I met, Amy. She had her surgery on the 20th. She looked good and seemed comfortable. That was encouraging. I think that she is very nice.This site is a great support network! I am happy that I found it.

The sound of your voice took me back to the sacred place where all memories of you reside…

We were starving for acceptance…

And fed each other.

We were thirsty for passion…

And drank together.

We were both wounded…

And bandaged each other.

Then the shackles of life,

Tore kindred from kindred.

I am again starving for…

A recipe that only you possess.

And thirsty for …

A drink from a cup that only you hold.

My wounds are now painful scars…

And the remedy is found only within your sweet lips.

Last night I went grocery shopping. Big deal…right. Well like I said before; I am really working hard to change my bad habits, with food and lack of exercise, before surgery. I am a mother of five so I am at the market a few times a week? I have been really good at working on every thing that I have already mentioned below (previous blog‘s). I have been obsessively trying to prepare myself for this change, because common sense tells me that it is better to start now and go slow so that the transition will be easy. I get that this is a, for life, lifestyle change. I just want to say that; it is hard. I was in the market for two hours! I am a label reader or thought that I was. I was just a skimmer. I really spent a lot of time completely reading the labels. Oh my, the things I have been putting into my mouth and most importantly my children’s mouth. I felt kind of angry that every item that was the healthier choice (less chemicals, calories, sugar, fat, carbs, ex…) cost so much more. I am glad that I am going to be only drinking protein shakes for awhile, so I can afford to buy the healthier foods, while I am off work healing and getting healthier, for my children. I have yet to even meet the surgeon and this process has already inspired me. The other thing that is frustrating me is; I have not lost one pound! I have actually gained some weight. I keep telling myself that it is probably normal because, I am home all day. I have always worked out of the house. I spent all my time on the go. I hope and pray every minute that this is r