Food sort of seems like a distant memory, now.  As does chewing.  Hunger has given way to resignation.  The desire to eat has given way to abject fear of what solid food would do to my stomach now that it's been empty for so long.  Jello is WONDERFUL!  Thank the heavens for liquids that can't be poured from a cup.  If it weren't for Jello, I think I might forget how to use a spoon.

I forgot to mention that by the... wait... I see shirtless roofers on the house next door..................

.......

Ok... back. 

Anyway, I forgot to mention in an earlier post that by the third day of the pre-op liquid diet, I struggled to swallow anything.  Every time I took a sip, it was like my body was screaming, "NO, YOU IDIOT!  I'm HUNGRY, not THIRSTY!" and I'd sort of gag.  It was a strange experience.  Honestly, I would hold the sip in my mouth and my throat was just NOT about to swallow it.  Finally it would relent, and the process would start all over again with the next sip.  But, clearly, I'm over that.

It has been sort of fascinating.  This is the longest I think I've ever gone without solid food.  My belly is shrinking a bit.  I noticed today that I have more range of motion in my midsection when I bend over.  I guess that could be from both losing some belly fat and from my liver shrinking. 

The thought of my liver shrinking is what really keeps me going.  I want my surgeon to get in there and go, "HOLY COW!  Her liver is perfect!  She must have really stuck to that two week liquid diet!"  Is it weird to want that sort of affirmation from your doctor?  *shrugs*

So, I fly out on Monday.  This coming Monday.  How did it get here so fast?!  I'm afraid that at this speed, Mexico will seem like a blink and I'll be back home!  I'm ready, though.  I'll be happiest when I'm on the ground there.  It's supposed to be a balmy 90 degrees when we land.  Woohoo!!  I can't wait.  Some of my walking laps are going to be around the pool at the hotel.  You can count on that!

To anyone who has to do the liquid diet and is afraid they won't make it the whole way, relax, breathe, and think about how much more smoothly your surgery is going to go with your liver out of the surgeon's way.  Know that even if you're hungry before the surgery, you won't be hungry when you wake up.  I'm really looking forward to that!

Oh!  Another observation... food is EVERYWHERE!  I mean, I think it takes something like the liquid diet to really make you see how saturated everything is with food.  It's a huge business (no pun intended).  It's on the radio, billboards, tv, magazines, and of course, you pass a zillion restaurants anytime you drive anywhere.  When you're not eating,  you notice how often the people around you are putting things in their mouths.  It's mindless.  They don't even think about it.  You know they aren't thinking about the fact that they're eating because you used to be just like them!  They'll graze all day long and then say "Wow, I'm hungry.  Well no wonder!  I haven't had a thing to eat all day!"  I'm grateful for this wake up call.  Now I really do know what an empty stomach feels like.  I know that there's a difference between being hungry and simply not being stuffed.  I think I used to eat until I was absolutely stuffed and then, when I wasn't miserably stuffed, I'd eat again thinking I was hungry. 

Last observation for this entry... you'll notice that my thoughts are all over the place.  I think it's due to a lack of carbs.  I figure I average about 9 grams of carbs each day.  My protein shake is very low carb... 3 grams per serving.  My Jello has one gram, i think.  Broth=0.  Crystal Light=0.  I usually have two shakes a day (that's 100 grams of protein) and two large servings of Jello.  I have broth once a day and everything else is Crystal Light.  By bedtime, I'm absolutely exhausted and I sleep like a rock.  

Between today and tomorrow, I have to write a paper for school.  Lord help me.  It could be a jumbled mess by the time it filters through this carb hungry brain! 

I'm still bored, but not really hungry.  I've learned that the secret to not being so hungry that you want to eat your arm is making sure you're drinking enough.  I slept in today and by the time I got up, I was starving.  There are so many things in this house that were tempting to eat.  Tempting isn't the right word.  I don't know what the right word is.  

I think I'd rather be addicted to crack cocaine.  There's no reason to have crack cocaine in your house.  If I were addicted to crack, I could at least get all of the crack out of my house.  Imagine a crack addict having huge bags and boxes of crack in every cupboard, in every cabinet, on every shelf, in the refridgerator... And that's just at home.  Imagine a crack addict having to drive past building after building selling cheap and legal crack.  They could buy it in broad daylight.  Half of those crack dealers even have drive through windows!  Every single person around them does crack several times a day.  Every time they go out socially, everyone at their table does crack right in front on them.  As a matter of fact, in order to survive, the crack addict has to do crack on a regular basis... just, not as much as he'd like.  Just a tiny amount of crack several times a day. 

What other addict has to partake in the thing they're addicted to while they're trying to recover from their addiction?  None!  Not one. 

So, yes.  This is difficult.  It's not impossible.  But no one should ever tell you that it's easy.  I expect the surgery will make it easier, but not easy.  It's said all the time, but it's worth repeating.  They do surgery on our stomachs, not our brains.  My brain would really like a big fat juicy burger.  My brain tries to reason that ONE burger isn't and wouldn't be responsible for my obesity or continued obesity.  It tells me that my surgeon probably wouldn't have any idea that I ate that burger.  I could eat it and then be reeeeeally good for the next 9 days and my liver would still shrink.

Luckily, there's another part of my brain that's on my side and it tells me that that sort of stinkin' thinkin' is what got me here in the first place.  There's no ONE bite of food that made me fat.  It was a cumulative thing.  Collectively, all of those food choices I rationalized brought me to where I am.  Rationalizing another bad food choice is just another link in the chain.  If you want to get poetic about it, we can talk about how being morbidly obese is like being in chains and imprisoned... but really, the bottom line is that I'm tired of being fat.  I'm more tired of being fat than I am in love with bad food choices.  So, here I am... knee deep in liquid forms of weak crack.  It's temporary, baby!

Cheers!

Remember how I said in my last post that this liquid diet was easy?  I wasn't lying.... at the time.

Gawd I'm bored.  I don't have a huge sweet tooth but most of what I get to drink/eat is sweet.  Protein shakes, flavored water, Jello, yogurt, cream of wheat... basically everything but pureed low fat soups and broth.  Argh! 

I want to chew on something.  I want something crunchy.

But, I'll tell you what.  I've learned a lot in these few days.  As I walk around my kitchen looking for a new acceptable liquid and failing to find one, I see all kinds of food that I'd have already eaten today if I weren't on the liquid diet.  I'm getting a feel for the massive quantities of food I'm used to eating.  Funny how it never seemed to be that much.  But, it really was. 

Oh, and so you know, I'm a foodie.  One of my foodie habits is watching Food Network shows.  I've very carefully avoided the Food Network lately because it always makes me hungry.  So, when I saw "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern" on the Travel network, I figured it would be a safe alternative.  Not so much.  So far, I've just learned that at this level of hunger, octopus suction cups and teriyaki giant roaches actually look edible... and, dare I say it, tasty.  

Oh look!  Cantonese chicken feet.

I'm actually having a hard time conceptualizing just how soon I'll be having my surgery.  It's now less than two weeks away.  My problem is that I know how short two weeks are and yet I know that having my surgery should feel like it's ages away.  My brain can't wrap itself around this short/long distance thing. 

Oh, and I started my liquid diet.  The surgeon originally told me I'd have to be on it for two weeks.  Then, when he sent me the diet sheet, he told me to be on it for ten days.  I'm a bit of an overacheiver, so I started at two weeks out.  I'm on day two.  It's surprisingly easy.  I mean, really easy.  I was afraid my stomach was going to be on fire with hunger for the entire time.  Not so.  I had my first hungry moment today.  I thought, "Oh no, here it comes... I'm going to be hungry for the next 12 days!" and then I realized that I was so engrossed in my work that I hadn't been drinking as much as I should have and I hadn't had my yogurt yet.  I get to have full liquids for the first half of my liquid diet.  So, I stopped, ate my yogurt, drank my water and marveled at how satisfied I felt. 

Last night, when I got home from work, my mother had made macaroni and cheese with tuna... sort of a poor man's tuna casserole.  It's one of my favorite things to eat.  I looked longingly at it for about a minute and then went to the fridge and got out the chicken stock I made earlier this week.  I heated some up, poured it into a Thermos, mixed up a protein shake, drank some water, rounded up my kids and headed to the boxing gym.  I'm not currently boxing.  I tried it a few times last month and made myself wheezy.  I went too hard, too fast.  Not wanting to compromise my breathing before surgery, I vowed to come back to it when I get the all clear.  And I will... because it was FUN.

After boxing, as we were coming back into town, the boys saw that the local Sonic was back open for the season and asked if we could stop in.  I want to see that I can be around food and it not be a big deal.  So, I said sure and we swung in.  They got ice cream Sonic Blasts and as there was nothing sugar free on the menu (except this thing they call the Sonic Wave... what is it, you ask?  A bottle of water.  For $1.29... No thanks!), I didn't order anything for myself.  But I ordered a Java Chiller for my mom... caramel.... to DIE for.  They brought out the three cups of ice cream goodness and I gave the boys theirs, stuck my mom's in the cup holder beside me and drove home.  When I got home, I handed her's to her and secretly patted myself on the back for not even being tempted to taste any of them.

I think I'm going to survive this.  I really do.  It feels like food is already losing its grip on me.  I went shopping earlier this week and bought everything I'd need for the liquid preop diet.  As I'll be in Mexico for 10 days, I figured I'd save the postop diet shopping for later.  Anyway, I breezed through the store, wasn't attacked by a single box or bag of cookies, didn't trip over any carbs, and I wasn't eaten by the ice cream.  I bought my Crystal Light, some juice to mix with water (even the juice was sweetened with Splenda), a bunch of sugar free Jello, and some produce to go into my stock and I checked out and went home.  One of my sons was with me.  He didn't ask for a single junk item.  So, guess what.  I think we're ALL going to survive this.

And to top it off, I had a dream last night that I was thin and wearing a super cute dress.  I even felt light on my feet.  Ah, things to come.  :)

I paid my surgical fee on Wednesday.  I wasn't required to make a down payment and they weren't asking for the money until about a week before surgery (my date is 5/5/10), but as soon as I had it, I wanted it out of my hands.  There is, of course, a record of the transaction and I've been in touch with the international office at the hospital, so I'm comfortable having sent the money.  Now I don't have to worry about some unexpected expense coming up and pulling money out of my surgery savings.

Speaking of which, I was able to save all but $1000 of the money I needed.  I took out a loan for that last $1000.  I'm so happy that I'm not putting myself in major debt for this surgery.  Thank you, Mexico!  I'll have that $1000 paid off before the summer is up. 

So, here it is.  My surgery is paid for, the passport is in my purse, the flights have been booked (Thank you my Angel, Stephanie!  She bought the plane tickets.  How cool is she?!), the hotel is booked (again a huge thank you to my Angel, Stephanie, for going halfsies on the hotel when she didn't have to.), and if you haven't figured out yet that my ANGEL STEPHANIE is the best angel EVER, she also rented a limo to take us from her house to the airport in Indianapolis, which is normally over an hour drive.  But we'll be comfortable and stylin' the whole way there.  This girl knows how to get and be pampered.  She has mapped out where the closest grocery store to our hotel in Monterrey is so we can stock up on sugar free popsicles.  She's even put together a sort of surgery care package for me with a bariatric cookbook (I love, love, love to cook), and bariatric chewable vitamins.  Oh, and tomorrow, we're going to Indianapolis to a health food store there that allows you to try before you buy their protein mixes.  Best angel ever?  Oh yes, she is!

I'm a little nervous, of course.  We fly out a month from tomorrow.  The past 5 months since I booked the surgery have absolutely flown by.  I find myself at that point now where I need to make all the little arrangements.  I need to buy the groceries I'll need for my pre-op and post-op diets.  I need to figure out what exactly I'm taking with me.  I need to download skype on my home computers and my iPod so I can talk to my family.  I need to decide how I want to handle the spending money situation (take cash? exchange for pesos? call my Visa company and tell them I'll be using my card out of country?  all of the above?).  And, because it's the responsible thing to do, I need to set up the legal paperwork that would give my mother temporary legal custody of my kids while I'm in Mexico and permanent custody should the worst happen.  I don't anticipate the worst happening, but it should be planned for.

I ask my coordinator and surgeon a lot of questions these days.  Thankfully, they patiently answer all of them.  I can't help but wonder if they see my name in their inbox and think "Oh geez, it's her again!".  I google as much as I can when a question pops up, or I ask people here on OH, but there's just SO much information out there that I think it creates more questions than I originally had.  In all honesty, I think I know everything I need to know, I'm just nitpicking now.  I'm so preoccupied with the surgery.  It's all I think about now.  I'll be glad to be on the other side where I can let my brain relax... a bit.  Ha!